Archive for July, 2008

I was in Vegas for the past 5 days for business and pleasure.  I have some ridiculous stories to tell, but just wanted to let you know why you hadn’t seen anything yet.  At some point today or late tonight some sort of story will be posted and beginning Monday I will be rededicating myself to this website.

The pictures have been added to the last two articles.  Enjoy.

Sometimes the most unexpected things happen when you are working. On Sunday I worked at our downtown Minneapolis store (the only location where something like this could happen) from noon to 6. A lady came in around 2:15 in hysterics. She ran from the entrance door to the front desk where I was sitting. Then she started speaking 3000 miles per hour and I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. Here’s our conversation to the best of my memory:

LadyInHysterics: “fklbahg hbakhkgh abhaklbhgh bhabklhbahfgkh djfiweoupt vhgeytoiwv yhtoahv tyobvhahhty chaotyeo”

Me: “Ma’am, I want to help you, but I can’t understand what you are saying.”

LadyInHysterics: “giawoyptuyio vyauipwuyrio yavuiopyetioyta hvyaxoitpyt vayoptiyaop sytpiosytotyasop caioyptptat y”

Me: “Please, just tell me what I can do for you.”

LadyInHysterics: “aklfuyetpyatasjkl yapiowytiopue ayeioetuy aioptyvhkl;jtk tyuiopycato;j yvapytkljtk lkjds”

Awkward silence as she calms down.

LadyInHysterics: “I’m lost103. I came from blah blah blah blah (as she literally recites every street she just took). Until I spaced off on one road and then ended up on a highway and then got off the highway and ended up here.”

Me: “It’s okay. Do you have the address of the place where you are trying to get so I can get you directions on-line?”

LadyInHysterics: “No.”

And then she starts crying.

Me: Trying to stop her from crying I ask if she has a phone number to the place, so we can get the address or directions.

LadyInHysterics: “No.” As she continues to ball her eyes out.

Me: Sitting there silent confused as to what the fuck is going on for what felt like an eternity.

LadyInHysterics: After finally calming down asks me, “do you have a phone book?”

Me: “Yes, let me get it.” I bring it back to her.

LadyInHysterics: “Is that all you have? You don’t have the white pages!!!” She screams in a very angry tone.

Me: “Um, no, this is all we got, but whoever it is I’m sure I can find them online for you.”

LadyInHysterics: “No, you can’t! Can I use your phone and dial 411, I’ll pay you for it.”

Me: “Sure.”

LadyInHysterics: Slowly pulls two crumpled singles out of her disheveled wallet and places them on the counter while dialing 411 on the phone.

Me: I decide at this point, I have to write an article on this lady, so let’s take a picture of her. Act like I’m texting, grab the right angle and boom I’ve got the visual evidence.

LadyInHysterics: Calls the place and asks if she is now too late to make her appointment104. They tell her no, so she gets the address.

Me: I check it up on mapquest, print her off directions and she is on her way. She leaves a note behind which shows her notes to herself to get to this place.

H to 3^rd? What the hell does that mean? And where is final destination address?

And without further ado her is the picture of the lady:

Notes on Picture:

-The sheet in front of me would be a detailed breakdown of all of my golf bets from the British Open and U.S. Bank Championships.

-I’m so glad that her v-neck didn’t come down any farther because she did have big tits and I would have kept trying to sneak a peak and would have been even more confused with how to handle the situation.

-Ethernet cord leading to where I am illegally downloading music.

-Gatorade bottle filled with Vitamin C to help me fight off this cold due to all the birthday week partying.

-The phone book she acted like a bitch about.

Side Note 105: I could think of 100 worse ways to describe you right now.

Side Note 106: Appointment? Really? Is there any chance she isn’t going to see a psychiatrist?

P.S. The pictures aren’t working right now, I’ll try to have them up at some point today.

7/11 Friday Night - Three of my friends from college came up for the weekend, ModelSister, Dibo and Cody (quite creative, I know).  That’s two years in a row for Dibo and ModelSister. Which would be one more year in a row PussyDabbler has attended because he decided to go to his cabin with Wife for the weekend knowing full well that it was my birthday weekend and we had Iowa friends coming up.  I was quite disappointed, but whatever I guess.  They arrived around 11 and we brought Dibo into the prebar party in a shopping cart.  Pretty standard.  NonBloodBro brought a bunch of his college friends that were already drunk to D’s new place, which will now be replaced by my new place as the pre party very soon.  With all of these people in an apartment, the key word before the bar was SHHHH.  As a group of 20 drunk people just want to see who can be the loudest one and continue to try and scream over each other.

We go to a new bar called the 508 bar.  It was plenty fun since we were in a such a huge group, ran into random friends, and got a sweet waitress.  Speaking of running into friends, I ran into a friend of mine that is a Packer fan(BooYaKaShaw).  We had the obligatory Brett Favre as a Viking discussion that I have no recollection of how he stood on the issue103 (poor grammar, I know, too lazy to correct).  After that discussion I entered another interesting one.  Supposedly one of NonBloodBro’s college friends was hitting on my girl and all of my boys from Iowa wanted to kill him.  I hadn’t noticed it at all, but just didn’t want my friends to hurt this friend of a friend, so when I confronted him, he apologized and bought me a shot, setttled perfectly, if it was only always that easy.  Back to the 508 bar, I really didn’t like it as a whole.  The basemant was a trashy version of an 18+ dance club and the upstairs was solid, but too small to ever be a spot I would consider going to on a regular basis.  Surprisingly the night ended without a fight, since I pretty much expect that every time they come in town.  That is until we got back to D’s.  I guess ModelSister and myself got into an altercation about god knows what.  But, they were unable to seperate us or make us stop until a random 50 year old woman came out of her apartment and broke us up.  Absolutely no recollection of that.  Dibo and ModelSister end the night by sleeping on the balcony.

7/12 Saturday Night - The celebration of my birthday. Was planning on going into work for a few hours, but woke up in horrible shape and I didn’t make it out of bed until 2. The best part of the morning after talk (you know the one where you discuss all of the events of the past evening) was when ModelSister decided to whip out his penis and give everyone the whirlybird104 show in exchange for seeing K-Bex’s tits.   After that point we went down to D’s pool; swam, grilled (ate my favorite food, that 20 layered chip dip, so delicious) and hung out for a few hours.   We get back upstairs and NonBloodBro whacked TwinKidMan as hard as he could on the ass, creating a welt.  Then, I ask to see it and give him a matching welt one on the other side.

TKM vows to punch us both in the nuts at some point during the evening.  Knowing how painful that will be NonBloodBro offers for each of us to rub lotion on his ass in exchange for him not retaliating.  Thankfully he agrees and I end up rubbing lotion into his ass.  Not my finest moment.  Bomber then shaved his ass with my shaver and eventually I pissed him off enough later that he informed me of that.  Strange how that works I insult him and in return he gives away his ploy to piss me off.  Shower a million people up and head over to ToadCock’s house for a preparty since D’s neighbors wanted to shoot us after last night.  Since, we were in such a large group we needed to find a game that everyone could play.  Someone suggested this horse race game I’d never played and it was a huge success as everyone was quite engaged and you wagered drinks and shots with people.  The cops even showed up because we were having too much fun with the game and being too loud.  Always a good omen to the night when you see the cops before 11.  A couple of us passed a handle around until it was finished before we left.  Standard operating procedure, no wounded soldiers, including handles.

On the way to the bar ModelSister threw my unsuspecting body into the bushes, absolutely smothering them.  I did nothing at the time and then when he didn’t see it coming I wound up and punched him in the balls at the bar.  It’s my birthday, I’m coming out on top bitch.  Anyway, the reason we were walking for once is because ToadCock’s new house is a few blocks from the subway station.  We get on the subway and somehow we get onto the topic of a buttsex.  I bring it up to my girlfriend about how we should try it already and NonBloodBro takes it one step farther and offers her $500.  She declines immediately.   TKM says < “Fuck, I’ll let you put it in my ass for $500.”  Oh TKM, you always did want to be a pornstar when we were younger.  I then offer to match his payment and she declines again.  Much discussion occurs until NonBloodBro offers $1,000 and then I match it and we offer her $2,000  to let me put it in her ass for my birthday and we were DEAD SERIOUS.  She declines and we all can’t believe it.  This starts up a whole trainwide discussion for the rest of the trip downtown where NonBloodBro is asking all the girls around our age if they would let their boyfriend fuck them in the ass for $2,000.  Most decline, a few accept.  Ultimately, most of them were lying as you know they either have or sure as fuck would for $2,000 knowing the guy is your boyfriend.  The funniest part of this exchange is after all of the negotiationg, Bomber’s girlfriend, Boobies walks up to Bomber and puts her hand out.

Get to the bar and do something new, it’s called drinking until you forget what happens.  Oh yeah, we do that every time.  We get this crazy yet intriguing waitress who is a lesbian.  All the guys hit on her and she shoots them all down, especially ToadCock who she was being kind of evil to.  So, since she shot them all down I offered up K-Bex like she was just some piece of meat and one of the two parties declines.  Which leads to K-Bex and I calling her phone from her phone and leaving an evil message wto her.  Sounds really weird, don’t remember it.  I do remember playing that damn bags video game and getting worked by a girl.  My drunk ass couldn’t push that damn ball straight if my life depended on it.  P.S. That bags game is really dumb. A black man bought me a tequilla shot.  That is not a racist sentence either, it was just surprising, figuring I don’t know many and this guy had just met me 2 minutes earlier.  The night ended with most people going back to ToadCock’s except for D, NonBloodBro and myself who were all hungry.  We try all these places that for some reason were closed that night, which leads us into some random alley where there were about a hundred people gathered around a fire watching each other ride around the fire on bicycles.  It was an interesting site to say the least.  We end going back to our store downtown because we could then order the food to a place.  Get a little too cozy and end up passing out on the showroom floor beds.  Next day my coworker from downtown calls me and tells me I forgot to lock up and set the alarm and left all the beds in a mess.  Congrats me, too drunk to figure out how to lock a door and set an alarm the next fucking morning.

Side Note 103: Going to write an article on this, this week so people understand where I stand.  But, this is not the place for that rant.

Side Note 104: I took a picture of him doing the whirlybird and with his permission, will definately posted it so you can see what it is.  Essentially it’s him playing with his penis in the other room for 5 minutes so he gets his hard length without a full erection and that throws his body in a motion that makes his penis start doing spins around his junk.

Black Out returned last week.  My altar ego decided to consume my body during my birthday week.  Lets rehash the first two stories out of four from last week.

7/8 Tuesday Night - It was a friend of mine, Murph’s birthday.  He lived with TwinKidMan and Bomber in college and is probably my favorite out of their college group of friends.  I go out assuming it was just going to be a casual Tuesday night out.  NonBloodBro shows up later in the night and everything changed.  NonBloodBro was in town for the past 10 days while changing jobs, meaning any invitation to party like rockstars was accepted by us.  The last thing I remember taking was a bearfight.  This is when you order an Irish Car Bomb and a Jaegger Bomb.  Then chase one with the other and then the drinks fight it out inside your stomach.  Don’t know which bear one, but my body was sure as hell the loser.  I ended up puking out the cab window on the drive home while the cab was moving.  I didn’t do that good of a job because I woke up with puke all over my shorts and no idea why it was there.  Also, the next morning my friend’s apartment complex called my friend to tell him that they have video of 3 guys playing with a jug of creatine in the hallway and throwing the powder everywhere.  I have no recollection of the night, so I’m not sure if I can even take credit for it.

7/10 Thursday Night - Our standard Thursday night procedure during the summer is to head out to Canterbury Park for the night.  But this Thursday ended a little differently.  We did the standard college frat guy thing by forcing each other to chug beers.  You see before the race we each pick a horse and then based on the order of the horses, you are ranked, similar to P & A.  Then, I get drunk and bet exorbitant amounts of money on horses I know nothing about.  For once I won on the horses.  Then, I lost it all on 3 hands of blackjack like a drunken clown.  ScottyMac even put me to shame, as he was betting 4 times my amount on top of my bet, meaning he lost all 3 as well.  I guess being a bookie and taking people’s money allows you to bet like an even bigger clown than myself.  Eventually we head home as most people had to work the following day.  On the way home I get the hiccups.  When I’ve been drinking I do not have the ability to shake the hiccups, meaning at some point I end up getting angry enough and shoving some fingers down my throat.  For those keeping track that would be two nights in a row puking.  Anway, D, NonBloodBro and myself decided we weren’t done when we got home.  So, we headed to Williams in Uptown for the rest of the night.  NonBloodBro and D decided Tequila was a good choice. D never takes shots with us, so there was no turning this down.  Standard nonsensicalness the rest of the bar time, which included myself befriending the bartender.  Which allowed me to call him whatever I wanted the rest of the night to get his attention. I.E. “Asshole get over here, I’m fucking thirsty.”  Don’t worry I’m not that cool, I ended up getting his name and number on a cocktail napkin.  Didn’t remember doing that until my girlfriend handed me the napkin the next day.  She claimed that last night I wanted it in case we ever needed extra guys for our pickup basketball games on Wednesdays.  Right, that makes sense.

Back on Monday with the other two nights.  It only gets better.