Archive for May, 2008

NASCAR says no more crab walking

That’s bullshit.  Admin0 Loves the crab walk.  And NASCAR can’t stop me from doing nothing.

Let me tell you.  You haven’t lived until you’ve tried to crab walk up a set of stairs. It is virtually impossible.  Your body does not allow you to be in the crab position and go up stairs.  Argue with me and you will be wrong.  Bomber and I tried for a good solid hour in this pool shown above.

Oh yeah and here’s a cute (read ridiculously gay) picture of me from that day. 

I chose that title because it was my favorite episode of Real World since Real World San Diego. 

1) Since I didn’t blog the last episode, I’m going to preface this one with the fact that I think Reva is a whore.  And without her bitchassness none of this would have happened.

2) Haha, Greg broke the punching bag.  Nothing like another unnecessary confidence booster. 

3) Greg just wrote a note.

Kim & Sarah,

Fuck You!

This is going to start some drama.  Then Dave cleans the place in frustration and puts the dishes outside.  I love how this episode has started.

4) Will is using the palm tree like a punching bag, which is extremely bad ass.

5) Greg is an asshole.  Watching him lie gets old.

6) Dave just threatened to bring hurricane Dave out.  I can’t wait to see HurricaneDave, which is officially his name from now on.  Speaking of names, we haven’t seen The$2Hooker yet this episode.

7) Greg to Will, “you are the short guy with no muscles.”  Then Will punches a whole in the wall.

Greg to Dave, “little white boy.”  Then HurricanDave emerges.

9) Greg to Will, “punk ass token black guy.”  Then HurricaneWill emerges.

10) Will to Greg, “Your dad passed away because you’re gay.”

11) Wow, that was so much to take in, both HurricaneDave and HurricaneWill just appeared.  That was hands down my favorite 5 minutes in Real World history.  I’m speechless right now, but I have an enormous smile on my face.  Can’t wait for the commercials to end.  PussyDabbler sent me this text after that scene: “Wowowowowooq.  I’m shaking right now after the last scene.”  Couldn’t agree more.

12) I do think Greg is gay though.  And by gay I mean the one where the man likes to play with another man’s penis.

13) Just removing Will from the situation for the night means he is not kicked out.  YES. 

14) Dave’s moms advice to Dave, “just come home.”  Horrible advice mom, he’s a guy, he’s not just going to leave.

15) Will is coming back.  I’m right.  If he is getting kicked out of the house, he better at least jack him in the face like that guy from A Shot at Love 2 did.

16) Greg and Will are never going to get along.  For once Greg was the one trying to be civil.

17) Can’t wait until Joey gets filled in on this whole situation. 

18) Dave and Will are going to anger management classes.  That will do them nothing.  Dave then compares himself to the old cowboys back in the western days.  That was hilarious.

19) They go to visit Joey and don’t tell him any of the stories.  Weak.  Joey’s not gonna party when he gets back.  Interesting.  We will see how long that lasts. 

20) The$2Hooker now wants Joey again because he is sober. 

21) Everyone is naked in the hot tub.  Everyone making out with everyone.  That was awesome.  Kimberley and The$2Hooker both made out with Greg.  Will makes out with Reva again.  Kimberley is sitting in the confessional naked.  I think that is a first for any Real World season and hopefully not a last.  Another amazing scene.

22) Greg forgiving Will right now is hilarious.  He is hammered and his penis is hanging outside the towel. 

23) Will at anger management class, boring.  This was the first time in 50 minutes, which speaks volumes to how great this episode was. 

24) I’m sorry, I’m going to be honest, I feel bad for Joey, but if I was his roommate I wouldn’t be able to stop drinking or going out to bars.  Dr. Gilman is a little too intense for me.

25) I think they will make slight changes for Joey.  But, not as much as stuff as they believe they are going to. 

26) Sarah wasn’t worth mentioning even once this episode.  She is so boring and obnoxious.

Previews: Joey is coming back, that is all that matters.

These were the two favorite would you rather questions referenced in the wedding article.

Would you rather fuck Cindy Crawford with one arm or Nancy Reagon?

If you chose Cindy Crawford, then would you rather fuck Cindy Crawford armless or Nancy Reagon? 

If you still chose Crwford, then it was Crawford as a chicken nugget (armless and legless) or Nancy Reagon? 

Everyone buckled by the last one.  I buckled on the first one, my phobia of people with missing limbs made me immediately pick Reagon. 

 OR  (Essentially with one arm)

Next Question: Would you rather have one testicle the size of a coconut or 17 testicles? And for women, which man would you rather fuck? 

I forget who but someone brought up an interesting point, I think it depends on what shape the testicles are in.  BergTurd thought if he could make a pyramid out of them he’d opt for 17.  HogginBoy wanted a ring of them.  Regardless, most people still chose one. 

Give your answers and your reasons on these questions.

It was the first time all of my good friends have all been reunited since we’ve graduated.  To say it was great to see them all would be a huge understatement.  BergTurd texted me earlier in the week and asked me on a 1 to 10 scale how excited was I?  I responded 11.   It was everything I had hoped for.

PussyDabbler, Wife, D and myself made the 9 hour drive to St. Louis early Friday morning.  We decided to drive because we waited too long to book plane tickets and they were upwards of five or six hundred.  Plus, we had driven to Shortney’s wedding a few weeks back and that 5 hour drive was a piece of cake with this road trip crew.  Last road trip we decided to play a would you rather fuck this girl or that girl game and vice versa for the vaginas.  Eventually it turned into a middle school esque top 3 of people we know that we wanted to fuck.  This roadtrip we decided to buy some of those would you rather books.  One was decent, but quite assinine at times. The other was excellent and we actually learned a lot about each other.   Tomorrow’s article is going to be an interactive would you rather article.  And if that’s a hit, it may become a daily or weekly type thing. 

On the drive down I learned an interesting fact, that men’s skin is thicker than woman’s.  No wonder bitches bruise so easily.  Also, while driving PussyDabbler saw two cops in the middle of the road while speeding.  Instead of swearing or saying cops he started yelling, “Aids, Aids, Aids, Aids.”  Then when we asked him why he said that, he replied, “that was the first bad thought that came to mind.”  Hilarious.  We got this obnoxious prototypical rap song stuck in our head.  Tip toe it to the left, tip toe it to the right.

Night 1, KrautyMcKrautFace had a great line at the bar.  “My birthday is in a week and I’m turning 25.  I don’t know what to do with myself, I’m having a quarter life crisis.”  Speaking of that bar, if you ever go to St. Louis, I highly recommend Harry’s, it’s an awesome inside/outside bar with live music.  Don’t do drugs before going there though as it is located next door to an FBI building.

That night ended with Pdabs and myself returning to the hotel and deciding we weren’t done drinking.  We went to the hotel bar and got some of the worst stares ever. 

We were just chat chitting at the bar with the bartender.  She told us it had been a weird night in there, there had been a fight and they were looking for someone who had just walked out on there $50 tab.  Within 20 minutes,

HogginBoy texted Pdabs: “have you and McHale visisted the downstairs bar tonight?”

Then Pdabs texted back, “we are here now. “

Hoggin: Well supposedly, you guys didn’t pay your tab because we got a phone call from the front desk, claiming they have you on video camera walking out of your tab.  They said if we don’t figure it out in 10 minutes, they are going to call the cops.

10 minutes go by and then security shows up at HogginBoy’s door looking for this kid and then realized they had the wrong room.  Long story short, after harassing us, they ended up comping Pdabs and Hoggin’s room.  The great part is we didn’t have to deal with any of it, we just drank through the whole debacle.   

Zippies lighting up like a lightbulb when he got drunk at the reception.  He also ended up taking a hammered half hour shit in the bathroom during the party.  Pdabs and myself both talked to him while pissing, he was beyond drunk and just having a blast sitting on the pot. 

I was able to steal KenDiesel from T-Ball a couple times during the night.  Twice we successfully took shots with him.  I think I’m going to start doing this more often at weddings. 

Fortunately for us, the wedding was an open bar.  Unfortunately for Tracy’s parents they didn’t know how much KenDiesel’s friends liked to drink.  At one point an old guy actually told us we had received a 10 minute violation (his version of an NBA 3 second violation) for standing by the bar too long.  Because as per usual we took round after round of shots.  The bartender loved us and made a fortune off us.  Honestly, how do you get that job?  He makes bank.  He easily went home with over $500 of our money for just a couple hours of work.  Plus, I’m sure he gets a hefty tip from Mr. Ball as well.  That’s probably a $50,000 a year job paid in cash in which you can claim whatever you want for taxes.  Think about it, this guy just has to work two weddings a weekend, 10 hours max to pull in a grand (if anything I’m understating right here).  Do the math, 52 weekends and that’s 50 grand.  How do I get that job? 

HogginBoy during the wedding actually yelled KenDiesel’s name and then started waving at him as he was walking down the aisle.  It was rivagulous.  I felt awkward for him.

A random guy asked Wife if he could escort her at some point during the wedding.  She told him no because her boyfriend is the jealous type.  Then he comes over to us with D and Wife and asked us where we were going later.  I quickly responded wherever the fuck you aren’t.  He then became scared of me and apologized(eventhough he didn’t knowing wrong to me) approximately 12 times the rest of the night.

Two years later and I finally got to meet Fagpheus’ girlfriend, Pretzel.  I was quite impressed, Pretzel was a down to earth girl who played water polo in college.  Talk about a sport I respect.  It’s like my Danish handball I’m obsessed with just played in water.  That sport would be so exhausting, people trying to drown you the entire game.  I also met Rasmus’s girlfriend, who is also extremely nice and friendly.  She looks just like Kelly Kapowski (misspelled, go ahead and correct me JackBauer’sGirl) from Saved By the Bell.  These new girlfriend additions are good ones.  Oh yeah, and JesseH’s girlfriend, was infinitely tall and was a good little slam bam, thank you mam for JesseH for the evening. 

Rasmus was so drunk early in the night, that he started swaying back and forth whenever he would try to stand still.  He decided to start drinking water at one point to save himself, which was a good decision because he toughed it out and was one of the few, himself, Jesse and myself that lasted until bar close at 3 a.m. 

A random old guy at the party honestly tried to explain to PussyDabbler, BergTurd and myself that every professional sport is fixed except for professional wrestling.  The sad part is he was dead serious.  I decided to just ignore the comment because I would have gotten angry and it probably would have resulted in me fighting this old man and praying his old man strength wasn’t too much for me.

Weak performance on the website this week.  I’m linking again because I’ve been way too busy at work and drinking to actually write an article.  Next week will be the best articles this website has seen in months.  I guarantee it.

Kermit thinks this is me in 10 years.  He clearly has no understanding of sports betting.  I think I’ll let MoneyLine handle this article if he feels like it.

The assumption song

This is awesome.  A polar bear and husky just playing around.

TurdBurglar sent me this bizarre story.

Fucking Disturbing Story.  This woman should be in a psych ward. 

Holy Shit.  This was caught by a traffic camera.