Archive for April, 2008

I have been a huge Bill Simmons fan for years now.  This is not new news. I know, I’ve been referencing him for as long as my blog has existed.  For some reason I had never taken the time to figure out his e-mail address or ever join in any of his chats to try to contact him.  I had always seen people complaining during chats about how many times they had to try before he answered something and got discouraged before even giving it a shot.  But today, I was messing around at work and saw he was already 3 hours into his chat and decided to try submitting a question.  What do you know, 10 minutes later and my question is posted and Bill Simmons is responding to it.  Here’s the part from his article:

Michael Moller (Eagan, MN): It’s a miracle, a Minnesota sports team finally traded for an impact player. What do you think of the new look Vikings now that they have Jared Allen in the fold? More importantly, are you excited to get him for 20 cents on the dollar in two years (as you do with all of our star Minnesota athletes)?

 Bill Simmons: Loved the trade for them and he’s already gotten his 2 DUI’s out of the way, nornally that happens after the guy gets to Minnesota. I thought he was one of the best 5 defensive players in the league last year. But that contract… I mean… holy schnikes! Couldn’t they have saved some of that cash to find a mediocre veteran QB?

 Bill Simmons: By the way, I was thinking about it… can you imagine if Favre returned in Week 6 and signed with the Vikings? Would that be the most polarizing story in the history of sports? ESPN could just have 24-hour programming centered around sportswriters angrily arguing about whether he stabbed Green Bay in the back or not. Also, I think the entire state of Wisconsin would go into crisis mode … work productivity would drop, alcoholism would rise, it would be complete chaos.

 Bill Simmons: Everyone in Wisconsin just threw up on their computer keyboards. Sorry about that. 

I loved his analysis.  Quite pumped he thought Jared Allen was a top 5 defensive player in the league, that’s high praise.  I’m proud I was able to elicit “holy schnikes” out of him, if only to mock the fact that he is a little out of the loop with trendy phrases.  I haven’t heard that one in 10 years.  I really enjoyed how he spun off my question to come up with the ridiculous idea of Brett Favre in purple and the chaos it would cause in Wisconsin.  It’s amazing how many people read Bill Simmons. Within the hour after it happened I had about 10 different people contact me to congratulate me, as if I had won some kind of medal or something.  One person even admitted he had already asked him something like 10 questions during the chat without getting one answered.

Also, unlike any other question, my question had a direct effect on the rest of his article/chat.  If you read the rest of it, people are creating questions based on the answers he provided to me and random angry Favre readers are astonished that he could suggest such an idea.  I feel proud to of pissed off Packers fans with my question.  Here were the follow up points and questions:

Jack (St. Paul): I think the entire state of Wisconsin would go into crisis mode … work productivity would drop, alcoholism would rise, it would be complete chaos. You ever been to Wisconsin, not sure it can get much worse

 Bill Simmons: Come on, that’s a cheap shot! I love Wisconsin!

John Madden : What’s the over under on how many times I blow my nose on Al Michaels blazer during the Brett Favre Retirement ceremony?

Jeff B Madison, WI: There is nothing worse than the prospect of Favre in purple. It is unfathomable. My brain does not let me picture that. That’s an unspeakable offense and I might just be done reading the Sports Guy.

 Bill Simmons: I apologize - should have given you more warning. but if Favre came back, wouldn’t he come back to an NFC North team? I just don’t see him leaving the division under any circumstances. it would be too weird.

Rex (Chicago): You think the Bears not drafting a QB was not a clear sign they are banking on Favre coming out of retirement to play for them in Week 6?

 Bill Simmons: I have to admit… it was a little fishy. What’s the deal with Favre’s contract though? Can he just switch teams? Is he still “owned” by Green Bay? How does that work? Somebody send me the answer

Austin T (Madison, WI): Enough talk about Favre and returning to rival NFC North teams. People are going to start rioting outside soon.

Joe, Denver: Green Bay still owns his rights as a retired player. The same thing happened when Denver traded Plummer to TB last summer. He proptly retired but they still controlled his rights and he couldn’t come back for another team.

 Bill Simmons: Good call. But what if the Bears or Vikes offered GB a conditional No. 1 pick in Week 6 for Favre?

 Bill Simmons: That could work.

Jeremy (DC): Remind Austin T that rioting usually requires some sprinting, not exactly a Wisconsin specialty…

Here’s the link to the entire article: http://proxy.espn.go.com/chat/chatESPN?event_id=20425

1) LC is buying her first home (at age 21?) and it is ridiculous.  No person who is barely old enough to drink should be buying a house that also features a guest house.  Unless you’re taking in Ryan from the O.C., then it’s okay.

2) Hold on, LC just told Audrina she is staying in the guest house.  What the hell? My only experience with guest houses was watching the O.C., which is where they put a kid from the streets of Chino because they were scared to have him in their house.  Now Audrina is being treated the same way.  I’m pretty sure she should have told LC to fuck off.

3) Just googled her house.  Turns out she paid $2.36 million for it.  Nice work LC.

4) What isn’t so nice LC, is that I started digging deeper into your house.  Turns out your main house has 3 bedrooms in it, which makes it even worse.  Audrina should clearly be staying in the main house.  Why would you do that to her?

5) Lo, “that melts my little black heart.” Are you implying you’re the devil? Am I missing something here?

6) ShePratt and Spencer have the same conversation every episode. 

7) The part from the preview where LC says “wait rewind” concerning JustinBobby was made to look like it was in other context.  In LC’s defense I think she was just wondering what was up with Audrina and JustinBobby.  She wasn’t trying to start any drama.

Danity Kane’s Damaged is being played by MTV during LC’s house party. Respek

9) Heidi you can’t just get mad at ShePratt for hanging out with LC.  You’re trying your hardest to become friends with LC again through Audrina.  So, that’s completely unfair to give ShePratt shit.

10) But, I do respect ShePratt for finally picking a side (for at least one episode) and being nice to lonely Heidi.  Next episode though ShePratt will be back in limbo between them again.

11) Lo, “Brody’s girlfriend is very pretty with very large breasts.”  Good stuff.

12) Stephen makes his first appearance.  And that man hasn’t lost a step, he carries himself perfectly.  He can have LC whenever he wants her. 

13) LC to Stephen, “I don’t believe we’re allowed back there (referring to the guest house).”  Of course you’re allowed back there, it’s your house.  But, this wouldn’t be so awkward if you hadn’t banished her back there in the first place.

14) JustinBobby talking in circles as per usual.  At least he has a new haircut, which looks surprisingly normal on him. 

15) Stephen already secured a date with LC. 

16) Those $5 footlong commercials by Subway are brilliant.

17) ShePratt didn’t even wait until the next episode.  She’s already hanging out with LC again. 

18) LC asked ShePratt if she knew who Stephen, her friend from high school was.  And ShePratt said no.  BULLSHIT.  ShePratt has been watching you on T.V. from day one and has been jealous of your superstardom. 

19) LC’s outfit for the date within Stephen was interesting.  A couple months from now all the girls will be wearing it because of her.  But, still that big blue think looked like an enormous bed sheet draped over her body.

20) Stephen called Lo, Schmo when he arrived at the house.  What does that stand for? Hopefully some revolting nickname they gave her in high school.  From now on Lo will be referred to as Schmo on my blog. 

21) Stephen keeps bringing up the guest house.  I think he is with me and thinks it is awkward as well. 

22) Stephen just dropped the money line from the preview.  “Lo is kind of like everyone else, that is wishing something would have happened between you and I.”  Lauren nods agreeingly (if that’s even a word) because she is part of that everyone else group.

23) And then the date gets silent as Stephen tells her “it seems to work that way” in regards to them being just friends.  You could literally see how crushed Lauren was. 

24) Stephen just won LC back over by referring to her as “precious cargo.”  Now she will be confused. 

25) Now that Schmo has LC all to herself in the main house she is coming around on me.  I was always down on her because she was constantly battling for LC’s attention.  Now that she has it all the time, she can be quite funny.  That hand gesture thing to LC was pretty funny.

26) MTV should zoom in on LC’s food more often.  I enjoyed how most of the last scene was LC’s tit while trying to show her eating yogurt.

All in all this was the best episode of the season.  They all deserved their 20 grand a piece for this episode.  It had everything including the Brody cameo. 

Previews: They got a new puppy.  Sweet. But then Lo (trying to hog LC as per usual) said the puppy has two mommies, which really pissed Audrina off.  And deservedly so, you three live together.  Mark it down, Audrina will be moving out soon. 

I am obsessed with the NFL draft.  It’s right up there with my birthday, the Super Bowl and the Kentucky Derby as one of my favorite days of the year.  For the first time in my life I am working during the draft.  I would never allow this on any draft day in which we had a first round pick.  But, since we decided to trade for Jared Allen we don’t have a 1st rounder.  The Vikings won’t be on the clock until I’m drunk this evening .  But, lets blog for a little while. 

2:17: Is it just me or is it slightly odd the first two picks have the same last name.  How has no one mentioned this?

2:24: I bet the Falcons wish they wouldn’t have traded Matt Schaub right about now.  Time for a few years of pain with a young quarterback. 

2:30: McFadden.  I can’t wait to see how much he goes for in my two keeper league auctions next year.  That’s going to be fun to watch.  That jersey is going to be tight, love the Raiders colors.

2:43: Dorsey eh? I’m surprised they didn’t draft a DE to replace Jared Allen.

2:50: Vernon Gholston.  That guy is going to be a stud based on his name alone.  I really wish my 2nd favorite team the Patriots would have got him.  I wonder if the Pats reach a little and nab one of the cornerbacks.

2:55: And this is why I wish I was watching it on T.V. I can’t figure out what the trade was.  I think it was brilliant if they slid down 3 slots and picked up some picks because then they can still get one of the corners they are targeting.

2:58: A big DT for the Saints.  I remember a few years back when they took Sullivan over, my boy Kevin Williams.  That was a mistake.  Let’s hope this DT works out for them.

2:59: Fuck, these trades are killing me.  I can’t find out fast enough.  Jacksonville probably had to give up a ton to move this far up in the draft.  I wonder who they really love.

3:06: Reader Paul in the Jared Allen article pointed out the three picks we traded for had the value of the 9th pick in this draft.  Which means we didn’t even have enough ammonition to even get Derrick Harvey now that Jacksonville took him at #8.  Wow.  So happy we got #69. 

3:09: Both corners and the LB are still on the board for New England.  That trade is looking great, whatever it was.

3:12: Kermit just informed me Jacksonville swapped first round picks and gave up 2 3rds and a fourth.  Essentially, they gave up an extra fourth more than we did for Harvey.  Wow.  Again, so pumped about Jared Allen.

3:13: Cincinnati takes Keith Rivers.  I like that pick, I think he’s going to be a stud.

3:14: New Englad takes Mayo.  That wasn’t even the LB I was talking about before.  Interesting. 

3:22: For the record, I’m doing this blog pretty much for myself.  I know no one will see this until Monday because I never post on weekends.  I’m quasi drunk and don’t feel like working hard and this is providing lots of entertainment.

3:25: Leodis McKelvin.  Another guy who should be good based on name alone.  This is the guy I wanted my Pats to get.  Let’s see if he comes back to haunt them now that he is playing in the same division.

3:27: The Boise State offensive lineman just went to the Broncos.  He’s going to help make no name running backs household fantasy names.

3:42: Took a lunch break real fast, so lets get back up to speed.

3:43: Carolina took Jonathon Stewart.  Didn’t see that one coming at all.  Very happy I don’t have DeAngelo Williams in either keeper league.  I was very high on Williams and somehow didn’t get him in either league.  Happy about that now.  This will be a frustrating time share for at least the first year.

3:44: Chicago takes an offensive lineman.  Boring.  No matter how good he is, Cedric Benson still sucks.

3:45: Only a few picks away to see who would have been on the board for the Vikes. 

3:46: Just realized the Lions are on the clock.  Please Lord, do me one favor here, and have the Lions pick another wideout.  You know you can’t resist Sweed or Thomas right now.  Pull the trigger you failure of a franchise known as the Lions.

3:50: Kansas City moves up two spots to grab a guard.  This isn’t basketball, guards aren’t fun picks.  I hope Kansas City gave away one of those third rounders like idiots. 

3:51: The Lions will be back on the clock at the Vikings pick.  The Lions moved down so they would feel better about wasting this pick on a wideout again.

3:52: I can’t wait any longer, I’m doing this pick assuming the Cardinals screw this one up. 

3:53: The Vikes would be on the clock right now with a lot of options.  Let’s do this as if we didn’t make that trade.  Then, my choice would be Domique Rodgers-Cromartie.  Now that’s a tight name.  And, if he’s anything like his cousin Antonio, he’s going to be amazing.  But, my second option would be to trade down and acquire more picks because Otah, Cromartie and Merling are all still on the board.

3:59: I knew that would happen as soon as I started writing that paragraph.  Cromartie is going to be a stud and take over for the bust of a cornerback draft pick, Mr. Injury Prone Antrel Rolle they took a few years ago. 

4:02: The Lions take an offensive lineman with one of the most difficult names to pronounce ever.  This is where I would enjoy watching the announcers take stabs at it.  Gosder Cherilus.  He sounds like a Gladiator, at least he’s got that going for him.

4:05: The Ravens trade back up.  That makes sense, they are too bad to wait until the end of the first round to pick someon.  I’m sure it’s going to be a QB.

4:07: I’m right, as always.  Joe Flaco are you the next Kyle Boller?

4:15: Carolina traded up to this spot.  Wow, they must have given up a ton to now have two first round picks.  Really intrigued with who they want this bad.

4:16: Carolina wanted Jeff Otah badly.  I don’t blame them.  I liked him a lot as well and he had really slipped.  That’s great value at #19.  Plus, he’ll pave the way for their new workhouse running back.  My guess is they gave up this year’s second round pick and next year’s first.  If so, hopefully it doesn’t end up like the San Francisco/New England pick this year.

4:24: Tampa takes Aqib.  Aqib sounds like a noun.  I was fucking Aqibbed last night.  In that sentence Aqib means trashed. 

4:34: Can we not go 2 picks without a trade? This is killing me, the internet is way too slow at updating the trades.  Atlanta uses the pick they traded for to select an offensive lineman.  Is it just me or have there been way too many offensive lineman taken in the first 21 picks.  Just looked, 7 out of 21 picks.  For you non math majors out there that’s 1/3rd of the picks.  That means their is some solid value out there on position players right now.

4:41: America’s hometeam the Cowboys take Felix Jones, one of the Arkansas running backs.  I’m right now laughing at the owner’s in my keeper leagues who were so pumped Marion Barber was going to get the full share this year.  Not so fast boys. 

4:42: Speaking of running backs, how is Rashard Mendenhall still on the board?  He’s this years Brady Quinn.

4:46: What the hell, that’s the second time that has happened.  I bring up a guy and then he gets picked.  I like that pick.  Speed running backs like Willie Parker tend to get hurt quite often.  Good insurance pick here and change of pace back as well.

4:55: And Tennessee takes the first guy I haven’t heard of.  Chris Johnson.  I don’t get that pick.  You know you guys have now drafted a running back in the first two rounds three years straight.  LenDale White (fuck me, who I have in one keeper league) Chris Henry and now this guy.  I see ESPN’s SportsNation has already rated this pick an F.  Now I feel good about not knowing him.  Maybe LenDale’s spot isn’t really in jeopardy.

5:09: It’s going a lot slower now.  Dallas traded back into the first round to grab a cornerback.  Didn’t they just trade for PacMan Jones? 

5:13: Houston takes another offensive lineman.  That’s 8 now.  That’s got to be some kind of record.  Speaking of records, there still hasn’t been a wideout drafted.  Could one not be taken in the first round?  I know one will go with the next pick, now that I brought it up. 

5:15: San Diego took a corner.  Didn’t know they were in the market for one.  Since they clearly were, they should have traded up and landed Cromartie to play opposite his cousin Antonio Cromartie.  That would have been bad bass.  They could have become the best CB pairing in the NFL.

5:35: Sorry, had to do some work.  Pretty uneventful picks anway.  Seattle and San Fran take d-lineman that could be complete busts.  The Jets snag the best tight end in the draft, who will help them immediately. 

5:37: The Giants take Phillips.  That wasn’t obvious or anything.  Everyone knew they liked him and they still got him.  I wish they would have taken Brohm to say fuck you to Elisha Manning.  That would have been funny.

5:38: The first round is complete without a single wideout being taken.  That has to be a record.  The Vikes are only 16 picks away now.  I can’t believe the number of guys that are out there that I still like.  In no particular order I like, Merling, Sweed, Brohm, Devin Thomas, DeSean Jackson, Malcolm Kelly and Brandon Flowers.  I expect them all to be gone, but if one slips I would be ecstatic.

5:45: Of course Merling went first.  Great value in the second round.  Then, St. Louis shocked me by going with a wideout who wasn’t even in Scout.com’s top 10 available.  And this guy went before all the big name guys.  I’m shocked.  Only 14 picks to go. 

5:46: I’m leaving here immediately at 6 to make sure I’m by a T.V. by the time the Vikes pick.  Might not be back on here until the pick.  Let’s hope one of those guys I mentioned above stays.

7:25: A bunch of those widouts were still on the board when the Vikes picked.  But, we passed on them to select a new safety.  I like this guy.  Everything I read says he was probably the best safety in the draft.  He’s a big mother fucker.  He’s going to hurt people.  Hopefully, he turns into our version of Bob Sanders.  He probably won’t play much this year except for nickel or dime formations.  But, the following year he’s probably going to take over for Darren Sharper when he becomes a free agent.  I love this pick.  We moved up a few spots and gave up our fourth round pick to make sure we got him, meaning we were very high on him. 

This article is going to stay up through Monday as I know most people won’t see it until then. 

1) Rock of Love producers getting sued.     

1) The bar stools in their kitchen are called the Bombo Stool. It’s a famous Italian design. They are $600 plus bar stools, they are bad ass.

2) Sarah’s boyfriend is crying on the phone. Buckle up buddy, it’s only going to get worse.

3) I take it Subway is an advertiser. I don’t remember them ever showing them at restaurants in the past.

4) Those boobs on the blonde were amazing. Seriously amazing.

5) Another Real World line to remember. Dave to the girls, “You are our #1 squeezes.” First kindergarten crush, now #1 squeezes. That’s back to back episodes of sadly pathetic lines.

6) The guys hiding when huge tits came over was pretty solid.

7) The two black guys looked like such tools at that bar. And yet I could see myself wearing something ridiculous like that.

Joey coming to the gate was good. He’s more intimidating than any Dad I’ve ever seen waiting at the door.

9) Can someone please explain that chocolate Skittle commercial to me. Why is that guy wearing that stuff?

10) Will’s breakdown of Sarah was good. Will was proud she brought another guy home because that gives him hope that she will cheat on her boyfriend.

11) Joey is swimming with his wife beater on again. I don’t get that.

12) Did anyone see that random fat girl with the enormous legs in the background during that one scene? Jesus, that’s one that only my boy ‘Fucks1’sOr10’s’ would touch. 36 minutes into the episode, if people want to see that creature I saw.

13) Dave, “you guys are like my sisters that I would have sex with.” Good stuff.

14) Joey and Dave at the bar were awesome. They are just like my core group of friends in terms of drinking. Drink insane amounts and drink it quickly. That is so us it’s unbelievable. That reminded me of MiniMiz, PussyDabbler, Version4.0, NonBloodBro, Bomber, AllAmerican and MYSELF. Plus Dave forcing that beer upon Joey was so similar to my style it was almost eery. I belong on this show.

15) Kimberley to The$2Hooker (Brianna’s new name) “Lets not get ghetto.” That is a mistake. Wow, that was just a debacle.

16) The only reason Joey lost that arm wrestling match was because he was way too drunk. Trust me I know this from experience. One night I beat MiniMiz three times straight and have taunted him on end since. Remember that MiniMiz, you’re only as good as your last match. I own you.

17) The$2Hooker just likes fighting. She tried to create a conflict with Joey over nothing. She fought with Kimberley. And most importantly she has a warrant out for her arrest for hitting a dude.

18) Joey’s grandma misses him, he had really never left the city before.

19) Joey stop being a baby, sack up and drink. I would have peer pressured him into drinking that night.

Previews: Joey has an alcohol problem. That wasn’t obvious or anything. Dave peer pressuring Joey to drink and succeeding this time. PDabs has a mancrush on Joey. I now have a mancrush on Dave. Dave is me. Only 11 episodes left, that seems short. But, I really do like that it’s an hour long show now.