Archive for February 8th, 2008

Talk about behind on stories.  These notes I wrote to myself on the iPhone were written 38 days ago.  Do the math, carry the thirty eight, and yes that means I’m talking about New Years Eve. 

I attended EvilFather’s older sister’s wedding in Minneapolis as EvilFather’s plus one.  It was just an excuse for me to get drunk and attend the wedding, eventhough Evil’s older sister requested me on my best behavior (which I did surprisingly well at).  For this article Evil requested her sister’s name to be Bridezilla (too cliche) and Evil’s older sister asked for her name to be EvilFathersNormalSister.  I clearly like the sister’s idea, as that is an accurate name.  Describes herself well and mocks EvilFather. 

Arguably my favorite moment of the night was when EFNormalSister’s bridesmaid (also my neighbor), Mazer walks up to me and says, “yeah I got knocked up.”  Then my neighbor proceeds to argue with TwinKidMan about whether preganant chicks can drink while they are pregnant.  TKM was on the side where drinking was okay and my neighbor was arguing there is absolutely no drinking in the first trimester. I kept drinking and stayed out of that one.

I got placed at a table (dateless mind you) with five couples.  One I knew (TKM and Milf) and five I didn’t.  I tried to strike up meaningless conversations but I wasn’t getting much response.  But, it turned out of the girls at my table was the daughter to the owner of Gander Mountain.  She was extremely modest (which I love about overpriveleged kids) and didn’t talk much about her money.  I think I did catch that they have a runway or helicoptor pad or something on their fortress of a home.  That’s only kind of cool, I guess if you’re into that sort of thing (insert sarcasm). 

EvilFather literally rapped during her maid of honor speech.  I just had her e-mail me her speech.  Here it is:

C to the I to the N to the Y
My big sister is the bride
Now whenever her name is signed
It’ll say “Kielblock” on the side

Yeah Ciny is the bride how bomb is dat
She’s married to a real fly gangsta named matt
When she made her world her debut
He was already 22

Ya Honey’s old, but it’s ok
Jessica loves him more each day
She’ll love him when he’s old and grey
She’d even love him with a toupee

Now Jessakiller’s all the rage
All the rest have been upstaged
Brangalina’s History
Bennifer’s so ‘93

Yeah J-e-s-s-i-c-a
She’s the one we all obey
And she’s the one we all adore
Her awesomeness is so hardcore

Jess & Matt & their blind kitty
Livin’ in the big big city
Maybe someday they’ll move to Hooker, Oklahoma
But I sure hope they stay at home-a

I’m running out of rhymes- sucks for me
Cause I had to keep this beat PG
So lets all party and rock the room
CHEERS, to the Bride & Groom

Word

(c) EvilFather, 2008

My girl was in Colorado, meaning I got to kiss no one at midnight.  Lame.  Speaking of lame, my dumbass self arrived at the wedding seconds before starting.  I warn people the 10 minutes of sitting there being bored doing nothing is well worth it, the looks i got could have killed.  Even EvilFather himself made a snarky well deserved comment to me and I had to take it.

Evils brought her chihuahua to the fucking wedding.  Yes, you read that right.  She brought a dog (all dressed up might I add) to a wedding.  That’s not where it ends either.  She dedicated a song to her during the dancing portion.  Nope, that’s not it either.  She then brought the dog out on the dance floor during the song and let it prance around.  I will punt that dog during this lifetime. 

Evils also broke her iPod by dropping it in water.  Meaning she broke two iElectronic (just made that up, kind of like it) devices in as many days, as she broke her iPhone the day before. 

Milf and TwinKidMan headed to bed early that night.  Understandable, they have kids and everything, they get tired early.  But, EvilFather decided since they were there to hang out with us they didn’t have a choice.  Meaning when the wedding ended we headed back to the hotel.  Got a key card to their room and went up there and woke them up.  To say I’ve seen better ways of waking one up, would be putting it mildly.  Here’s a picture showing how EvilFather woke up TKM.