Archive for January, 2008

A couple links while I’m gone. I wanted to keep posting pictures but they take up more space than I thought and have zero time to fix it.

Bill Simmons posted this video in a recent batch of links.  It’s a hilarious interview of Norm McDonald.  The crocodile hunter part kills me and Jon Stewart.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=-SD7ea3N1oo

Talk about a bad ass wrestling move.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUyCD62cAkI

Principal’s wife needs to calm down a bit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILwTcGNix00

We decided to start drinking as soon as we got up Saturday.  I mean, why the hell not, we had nothing better to do.  One of our first destinations for our long day was visiting MiniMiz’s little sister at the dorms.  All of us guys decided that we missed the dorms.  We then decided that one of us needed to go back to college around the cities and start a whole new major and then we’d all just live with him in the dorm.  It would be phenomenal.  Since, it was MiniMiz’s birthday weekend, we made him take some shots.  Nothing shows you’re a freshman in college like taking shots of Bacardi Orange from a water bottle.  We asked for some beers, but LilBoosalis (MiniMiz’s sister’s roommate) lied and told us she didn’t have any.  But, when she opened the fridge to get the Bacardi O, we saw beers.  Clearly, she just didn’t like us.  Then we go get some lunch at some overrated restaurant that took us forever to get served and was nothing to write home about.  After the restaurant we went to the terrace and watched TKM play arcade games because they weren’t serving beer that early.  From there we went to the liquor store to pick up a handle and the guy could tell we were drunk.  So, he says some smart ass remark like, “are you guys sure you need that.”  What a faggot, shut your fucking mouth and take my money.

So, before making it to the bar, AA and I realized we were way too sober.  I mean you can’t go to the bar with no liquor in you, it’s just not the same.  We rip five shots and head to the bar.  Someone calls us out for taking so long and tells us we’re way behind.  We’re like sure whatever, but we did just take five shots.  Everyone outside of MiniMiz (who can drink like an elephant) was just baffled that we took five shots in a row in like 10 minutes.  AA and I were so confused why they were impressed.  We do this every single night, and that’s like a sample, I’d say that would amount to around 20-25% of my alcohol intake on any given night.  Exactly why it was just a nice easy pre-drink before the bar.

We make it to the bar and we’re the only ones there.  Our group and the wait staff.  So, what do we do but strike up conversations with every single employee there.  TwinKidMan managed to arrange a date for MiniMiz, without MiniMiz even knowing.  TwinKidMan and AA wanted to wrestle and Amanda, the waitress was willing to join in the wrestling match.  Then, MiniMiz called out BestStoryTeller for being cheap in front of our group of like 15 people.  That was rather hilarious, but kind of harsh everyone thought.  Then, we played some darts and MiniMiz was so drunk by this point (like 7 p.m.) that he was missing the board on every other shot.  So, for losing MiniMiz offers to buy the shots, but his drunk ass tells me I need to try to negotiate prices for the shots.  I couldn’t believe he was serious.  Peer pressure’s a bitch, so I do it.  I think the girl was in awe of the fact that I was trying to negotiate also.  But, it did result in two free shots and that’s all that matters.  Outside of the bar, I somehow managed to have TKM’s glasses on my head and decided to break them for no reason.  Sometimes, my drunk ass doesn’t make sense.

What do we decide to do after the bar? Go back to MiniMiz’s and pre-drink before going back to the bars.  By this point, we’re half in the bag already.  But, MiniMiz’s little sister and all of her young friends were coming over.  Clearly, we have to show them a good time.  Vaguely remember taking pulls of cuervo, bad idea?  No, always a great idea, helps you remember less.  So, we’re standing around trying to figure out some drinking game.  When these chicks say we’ve got to play there sweet game called “Fuck You.”  If the game was only as cool as the name of it.  The game sucked, but somehow I was standing next to the girl who came up with the name of it.  When, this girl, who resembled Brian Urlacher pinned me into the corner and tried to kiss me.  I literally ran away, I was fucking scared.  I now understand what girls feel like when creepy men try to hit on them and kiss them.  Wow, it would suck to be a girl and put up with that.  I guess Urlacher, was talking to TKM later in the night.  Probably trying to get on him also, when he told her he was married.  TKM shows her pictures and Urlacher asked if she could call Milf just to tell her how beautiful she was.  So she did it, that’s just weird.  AllAmerican said he hit on every girl that was conscious.  From then on I proceeded to fuck with every one of MiniMiz’s guy friends that were there.  Supposedly, they thought I was the craziest fucker ever.  One of these guys was wearing a headband, and I guess I yelled at him, “give me your fucking headband.,” which I proceeded to wear for most of the evening like a toolbox. It makes sense they thought I was crazy, figuring I threw a guy up against the wall and choked him and then let him go and acted like nothing happened and just started laughing. 

After the pre-bar party, we all get separated.  Gregor and MiniMiz’s roommate end up going with the freshman to a frat party.  As they described it, all they had to do was walk on to the dance floor and then a million 18 year old asses were grinding the hell out of them.  Many of us were quite jealous we missed out on that.  The next morning Gregor couldn’t stop talking about how big his boner was on that dance floor, hilarious.  While they were going to the party we started walking to the bar.  When we saw a bunch of people on a third floor balcony.  We all start yelling at them for no reason.  AA decided to climb the side of the building like Spiderman all the way up to their balcony.  Yells at them and climbs down.  They are of course acting all tough because they’re three flights up and we can’t do anything.  When, TKM decides that he should throw rocks at them.  We decided that was an awful idea and headed to the bar.

At the bar, we do what we usually do, no stories I can even remember and then head to Ian’s.  Ian’s is the best drunk food alive, any type of pizza you could ever imagine.  I’m telling you they need this shit in every college city.   Naturally, the line at this place is ridiculous after the bar.  We wait it out, order our shit stand there trying to pay for several minutes and no one ever came.  So, we got pissed and just left with our free amazing pizza.  By the time we got home on Saturday night at about 2:00 after drinking for 12 hours and being drunk all day, we were exhausted.  To cap it all off, we had gotten separated from MiniMiz and his apartment was locked.  So, I passed out in the hallway using the wall as a pillow.  I’ve slept in worse places.

Originally appeared April 26, 2007.

Here is my first entry ever.  I wrote it about a year and a half ago at the peak of my drinking prime and still drunk from the previous night.  I was no joke drinking 5-6 nights a week my final semester of college.  I miss those days. MiniMiz, as you can see, I wasn’t trying to take a shot at you with that picture.  I intend to mock many people including myself by putting pictures back in articles.  This week will be mostly just pictures added to old articles because I’m in vegas from yesterday to Thursday for work. Couldn’t ask for a better place for I furniture fair.

Let’s begin the life of me.   I’m not a very good writer to begin with even though I get to write columns in our local paper.  Basically, I drink a lot and by a lot I mean a lot.  I’m currently regretting the fact that I didn’t start this site 4 years ago.  I really wish I could have read about all of my college experiences.  I’m amazed by the fact that everything I’m writing has yet to be edited or changed as I do believe I’m still drunk sitting here at 4:32 in the afternoon.  My roommate just asked me if I wanted to play basketball. I’m not going to respond because he wrote on me last night (it says “no peeing on my couch dickhead”) after I had peed and puked myself. 

My response should be evident based on the way my body presents itself, completely worn out on life.  The idea of running up and down a basketball court would present more puking than my blacked out state did last night.  So let’s get on with last night…

My old roommate just walked into my house and asked me if I was going out tonight, I responded by showing him my t-shirt which shows the 7 bars I will be visiting tonight, as part of a bar crawl.1  I’m easily distracted. I just talked to a Pagliaa’s employee on the phone, she laughed, I believe I might have made her day. I ordered carry out for the first time, and actually asked her if she calls me when it’s ready.  Back to the issue.  Last night, was an accounting bar crawl featuring several of my favorite bars in the city.  We grilled before hand, very pleasant.  Learned that one of my friends shaved his arms and legs, kind of scared me.  So, for the drinking, I remember the first couple bars, which were fun and I won at pool.  Anyhow, I blacked out somewhere in the process and remember absolutely nothing from there on out.  My wallet shows I spent $65, which means I drank a lot figuring no drink was over $2.  I remember the chance of bringing home 2 girls but having no sort of ability to do so.  Basically, what I just described is often me, too drunk to even spit any sort of game.  This morning I was informed of last night and the corresponding events.  I was told I wanted to fight a lambchop vendor.  I took a cab home, because my friends babysat me and they said they placed me in the cab and had to pick me up out of it and I was spitting in the cab the whole ride home (3 ands in one sentence, not impressive).  I woke up with puke and pee all over me a new first never done both to myself while sleeping. 

This afternoon while still drunk a magazine vendor stopped by our house and hung out for 20 minutes knowing we wouldn’t buy anything.  I think I entertained her before making her mad.  I propositioned her that I would buy any number of subscriptions if she would service my roommate.  Basically, I found her so revoltingly ugly that I wanted her to hook up w/ my friend because I felt like the terrible game I was spitting shouldn’t go to waste.  Oh yeah, I was told a friendly cute friend of mine was forced to put up with my shit all night because I wouldn’t really leave her alone and kept telling her I wanted to marry her.  An old friend of mine just wrote this on my facebook wall “I am really impressed with your drinking skills, you are quite possibly the coolest person that I know! Miss all of you guys MUCHO!!!”  Not sure if she’s being sarcastic, time to go outdrink god on this bar crawl.

Sorry to all, I swear a lot and please don’t take if offensively.  I might regret everything I write because there is a chance my mother might read this one day and she will have to look me in my eyes, I will be scared.  Actually, she’s heard my worst drinking/war story ever, you will read it later and feel better about yourself as a person.

Side Note #1: I just said I wanted to punch my computer in the face, I have problems.  My sincerest apologies for stealing this from Bill Simmons but I admire the man and I don’t believe he copyrighted that shit.  The fact that I even referred to Bill Simmons in my first blog shows my dedication to his articles. For the record if you don’t know who he is, he writes for ESPN.com, unbelievable shit.

Originally appeared May 5, 2006 at 6:11 p.m.

1) I liked the mini story in this week’s show.  Guy gets hosed after marrying a woman for her money.  Sounds fair.

2) Sean’s poop fucking ex-girlfriend makes a return.  Hopefully, it’s short lived.

3) Eden’s such a whore.  I missed her.

4) If Gina’s the new secretary and Julia moved to Hollywood on a whim.  What ever happened to their old company? (they actually explained this later in this episode)

5) Fake Doc and Eden are such great additions to this show.  I really hope Fake Doc doesn’t disappear now that he is kicked off the show.

6) They keep coming up with new sex scenes.  Kissing an H.I.V. positive woman while fucking another one.  Geez, you’d think they would have run out of ideas by now. 

7) Hmmm. I have no idea what’s wrong with Julia.  My only guess is that she is pregnant because of all the vomiting.  If I’m right, I promise I had no idea, I had avoided all Nip/Tuck information since the episode aired.

Julia sucks.  Let her die already.  When she’s sick, she uses Sean, the nice guy.  When she wants the dick, she uses Christian.  She does not deserve to get the best of both worlds.

9) That grandma that loves to fuck is really creeping me out.  And now she may have fucked her younger husband to death, that’s outrageous.

10) Sean’s agent is suspect.  There’s something not right there, outside of the fact that she wants Sean’s dick.

11) Sweet.  I couldn’t have been more dead on with my last line.  Now, when Sean dropped her off at home she walked away from the front steps, which means maybe she isn’t an agent at all or at the least unsuccessful.

12) Gina being her conniving whore self.  At least she’s fucking with Julia instead of Christian this time.  Woah, and then Gina told Julia he’s cheating on her with herself (Gina).  Which would of course scare Julia because she would then think that she has A.I.D.S.  Bring out the cat claws. 

13) Sean assuming the movie star role by fucking the hot extras.  I love it.

14) Gina just said there is no difference between love and sex.  I’m pretty sure she’s in the minority on that one.  And you wonder why she has A.I.D.S.

15) Wow. Christian fucked Gina, even though she has A.I.D.S. That is the dumbest fucking thing ever.  I don’t care if he’s wearing a condom it’s A.I.D.S., it’s not curable.  HOLY SHIT and then Gina fell off the top of the building.  That’s got to be real.  It makes sense she’s got another role in Friday Night Lights and they needed to just ended her character.

Previews - Yep, Gina’s dead.  Standing pat in my thinking, that it’s a good thing for the show as long as Christian never serves jail time.  But, he shouldn’t try to reconstruct her face to cover it up, isntead just say it was an accident, who cares what Julia thinks.  Hell, maybe Julia will have a heart attack, that would be awesome.  And I’m glad Sean’s looking for a new agent, I hate the current one.

To say I’m excited for this show is an understatement. 

1- This could be my favorite show on television.  It combines athletic ability and reality television, my two favorite things to watch on T.V.  This could turn into a weekly review thing if the comment responses are as high as Nip/Tuck. 

2- Peurto Vallerta is the setting for the Gauntlet 3.  I’ve been there, it’s just a  little bit of fun.  And let’s hope there’s lots of tequila going around.

3- Beth is the first person to speak.  Stupid.  I mean sure she causes drama and everything, but I don’t really care to hear any of her thoughts. 

4- Brad’s introduction to the show basically translated to “I’m going to start laying pipe like it’s my fucking job.”

5- He hasn’t spoke yet, but one of my favorite real world character’s ever is finally a part of a challenge cast.  Frank is f-ing hilarious, I expect big things.

6- CT and Diem are still together. I guess you could call that a huge surprise.  But, Diem you really expect me to believe that you guys are dating and you would still vote to send him home.  Get serious.

7- Janelle just said, “we have a really fresh team.” What the fuck does that mean, seriously did you graduate high school?

8- Introductions finally.  Good stuff.  Alex (that guy from the Denver cast) is on the show.  Does he have one ounce of athletic talent? The veterans are fucking loaded95, outside of Tyrie and Frank, the rookies have nothing. 

9- 32 people are on this show.  That’s got to be some kind of record.  But, isn’t the prize pool smaller this year than the past.  I mean no one even looked all that excited about the money total.  They all kind of looked like they weren’t that impressed, they’ve played for that much before.

10- Tug of War for sleeping arrangements.  Brilliant idea.  I hope the rookies win, just so the veterans start fucking with them as soon as they get back to the house.  Tyree needs to sit his huge black ass on the back of the tug of war rope for the rookies to have any sort of chance.

11- Kenny is the epitome of a meathead, and yet I love everything about his character.  He speaks so slow and yet never stops entertaining.

12- Frank, “prisoners stay in larger rooms than we’re staying in.” Good to have you back on a reality show.

13- Brooke and Ev are already making out.  That’s random.  And now two gay guys making out, fuck that.  Get one of them kicked off in this episode, no one wants to watch that shit.

14- That’s a lot of hookups for night one.  Brad’s gonna fuck Tori, that’s hands down my favorite one.  Johnny Bananas and Casey’s fake tits continue their fling from last season.  Paula grosses me out, I would never touch her.

15- Jilian, who are you? I have no idea.

16- Keyshia Cole is on the first commercial I’m watching.  What a horrible commercial and she looks like trash, no wonder I don’t watch commercials.  Seriously, she must have s.t.d.’s.

17- CT weighs 250? Jesus, he’s a machine.  How tall is he?  He clearly hasn’t stopped eating his egg whites since the last challenge.

18- Fuck yeah, it’s a tie.  Mano et Mano.  Derek v. CT. CT is going to run over this kid from Road Rules.

19- I’m right, CT cruises.  But, Danny shut the fuck up, you’re the biggest straight tool on this show.

20- Nehemiah is one scruffy black man. 

21- The rookies are letting the guy who is voted in pick his opponent.  That’s so unfair to the team.  He basically gets to pick the guy who he thinks he has the best chance against, that’s not fair.  But, he’s picking Alex, who has I said earlier has no athletic talent, so it’s not a big deal yet.

22- And I quote Alex, “I’m praying it’s something where I don’t have to use my weight or strength to win.” Haha, good luck winning any challenge ever.  Why don’t you go try out for Deal or No Deal.

23- Alex just basically quit.  That was lame.  Good luck being invited back on another challenge.  At least put some effort forth.

24- Girls are worried guys will throw challenges to eliminate them.  Thanks for stating the obvious.

25- CT is scum and I love every moment of it.  Makes great T.V.

26- Diem should have known better than to approach his drunk ass like that.

27- TiVo cut off the previews.  Ah well, I’m sure they’re great and I’ve already written plenty.  So, glad there is finally another challenge show back on T.V.

Side Note 95: Speaking of loaded, the Phoenix Suns roster is stacked.  And, I just got back from the Timberwolves game tonight, where Al Jefferson, Sebastian Telfair and Ryan Gomes completely outplayed and manhandled Amare Staudemire, Steve Nash and Shawn Marion.  Yes you read that right.  It wasn’t even close.  I’m pretty sure the Suns stopped trying after the first two minutes of the game when they were up 14 to 4.  My worst gambling day ever (1 win 9 losses, down 9 units) and I’m not even a slight bit frustrated by it.  How can I be, the fucking Gauntlet is on.