Archive for August 13th, 2007

When i started writing this article a couple weeks back I had been beyond drunk something like 15 of the last 18 days.  Meaning I’d spent the past 2+ weeks acting like I was on spring break.  Which is a great comparison because it had been that fun.  Also meaning I really never spent the time to actually write this article.

So, Saturday, July 14th 2007. My 23rd.

-A couple friends from University of Iowa drove up for my birthday again.  This year it was ModelSister and Dibo.

-A group of like 8 of us went to Canterbury to watch horse racing during the day because I love that shit.  It was the Iowa kids first time at a horse track, (uncultured fucks) but they loved it.  Then I went to dinner at Don Pablos because thats the best fake mexican food around.  I love horse racing and mexican food, I could do that daily for the rest of my life and be content.   

-I decided when I woke up that morning that I wanted to do something new and fun for my birthday.  I decided to rent a party bus and started calling people to see if they were interested.  It was quite short notice but we still ended up getting around 35 people.  The party bus was so much damn fun we decided we want to do this every month.  We would do it every week, but we’re pretty sure we would wear it out quite quickly.  It would be quite easy to get a group of people together pretty much daily because it’s surprisingly economical.  We bought a keg, tons of reserve cases and like 6-8 handles, and one pass the sac box of wine.  All of that liquor, the party bus and bus driver’s tip amounted to only $30 person.  We pre-drank at ToadCock’s and then were on the bus from 10:30 to 2:30 and it took us around to the different bars I wanted to attend and then dropped us back off at ToadCock’s house.

-BuiltLikeMachine passed out in the front yard and kept telling everyone how amazingly comfortable it was.  He was making people try it out and raving about how great it was, I don’t think he realized it was just grass.

-AllAmerican and BuiltLikeMachine both got kissed by a bum right after we got dropped off at the first bar.  We approached the bum because it was the same bum we saw the night before when we were in Uptown.

-I was the first one to do a kegstand on the moving bus, but Kermit decided instead of lifting my legs up straight to bench press me over the keg, so I went crashing to the ground.  Obviously, I went back and did it again, which then got everyone to try it including all of the girls.

-Almost convincing Version4.0 to fly up for the night from Chicago.  He looked into tickets, but didn’t want to spend a grand for one night.  It would have been quite baller/hysterical from his perspective, getting picked up by a party bus at the airport

-There was no bathroom on the party bus, so the driver told us to piss in the stairwell.  All the guys did it no problem, but all the girls waited until the first girl grew the balls to try it.  Of course it was Milf and then everyone else followed.

-The next morning after we told stories for 2 1/2 hours, I was convinced that if anyone videotaped any 5 minutes of our night and sent it to Real World we would make it on.  The other great part about that morning was Dibo.  So, somehow we got on the topic of facebook, I know gay and sad, but whatever.  Anyway, Dibo and ModelSister and AllAmerican and I are talking about hot hookups, blah blah blah.  When, somehow we get on the topic of this unbelievably hot girl Lauren Gonchar who Zippies hooked up with in Acapulco a couple years ago.  And Dibo at this point hadn’t spoken for a good hour (he’s worthless the mornings after drinking) when he randomly blurts out of nowhere, “holy shit she’s hot, I added her and now she’s my facebook friend.  I saw her on your profile one day and had to befriend her.”  It was hilarious.

-So, my drunk birthday ass developed another man crush that evening.  The guys name was Spike and I’m pretty sure he out-drank me, which means I finally met my match.  I still want a rematch because I was two plus hours of binge drinking into my night before Spike decided his friend, him and me should try and finish a handle of vodka.  Don’t know if we did, but I know the events that took place after would make me assume we did.

-By the time we got to the final bar in downtown Minneapolis I couldn’t walk.  I’m not sure if I’ve ever been that drunk before.  To say I was blacked out wouldn’t be clarifying it correctly.  I guess when we got to downtown I couldn’t stand up straight without falling over.  And there were cops staring at me, so my friends saved me from going to detox.  Thankfully, two of my friends held me up and it looked as if I had two broken legs and was unable to put pressure on either leg.  So, they carry me to the bar we attend fairly frequently (Bootleggers).  We know some guys that work there and the guy we know the best works the door, Farber.  I guess when I approached the door he just looked at me and said “No Michael” in a very calm voice.  They said it sounded kind of like he was talking to a little kid who had no control of any of his bodily functions.

-After getting rejected, ToadCock, AllAmerian and myself waited in line to an all African American bar.  I guess Khalid El-Amin was having some sort of celebrity benefit party at the bar.  First off, the Bowling Ball (Khalid El-Amin) is no fucking celebrity.  That man looks like a fat ugly troll. Anyway, he knows current NBA stars from his 5 minutes in the NBA and somehow managed to get them to come to this.  I’m very bitter as you can tell because we weren’t let in and never advanced in line.   But, I’m pretty sure we had a much better time outside the bar than we would have inside.  As I’m told we started a dance party on the sidewalk waiting to get in.  I’m sure it was quite the scene, could you imagine walking down the street and seeing three white guys in the middle of 50 black guys dancing to no music.  Yeah, me neither, glad it was just my physical self present.  I guess my dancing lasted less than 2 minutes as I still couldn’t figure out how to stand, let alone dance, so I just propped myself up against the wall and watched the two of them.  But, here’s arguably the best part of the entire night.  While we are waiting in line to get into the bar Khalid El-Amin’s sister walks out and approaches the 3 of us in line.  ToadCock and AllAmerican start engaging in a conversation with her.  I guess, I didn’t speak through the first couple minutes and only stared at the ground. Then midway through their conversation I looked up at her and said, “you have pretty shoes,” and then I looked back down at the ground.  I guess she responded with something like, “thank you and whats your name?”.  All my friends insisted she thought I was mentally handicapped.  Glad I was so drunk someone was convinced I was handicapped.  Either a new high or low, not exactly sure.

-After hanging out in the sidewalk for an hour we finally headed home on the party bus.  At that point everyone had drank themselves into such a dunken stupor that 90% of the bus just slept the entire way home.  But, before falling asleep I guess I had to puke and instead of puking in this huge trash can/recyling bin, I decided to hop in it and then puke between my legs.  I know, classy.  Whatever, it was my fucking birthday.