Archive for July 30th, 2007

This was sent to me from Version4.0.  His friend from Notre Dame who I went to Acapulco with a couple years ago e-mailed him this story. 

Friends,

    This spring I secured summer employment with the Atlanta Falcons
as a golf-cart driver during the annual training camp. The job
consists of taking the players from their dorms to the training
facilities. Many of you scoffed at this opportunity suggesting I was
“overqualified”. Others suggested that I was piddling away a great
education. Only Mike Piery doubted my ability. He maintained I was
unqualified due to a lack of golf cart driving experience.

     The training camp grounds are in Flowery Branch, which sits about 40 miles from my house in North Atlanta. This year has been especially difficult as the Falcons star Quarter Back/ Valtrex user/CEO of Bad Newz Kennels is pitted in a battle against the Government and all Americans who cried at the end of Old Yeller. The first day of camp was rife with both protesters and supporters of the recently beleaguered Vick. One fan was heard to suggest that pit bulls would do the same to us if given the chance.

    The circuit for the golf carts is about a half of a mile long and snakes along the boundary of the property then between an indoor facility and a maintenance shed. It takes about three minutes for a
golf cart to complete the circuit.  The Georgia sun is hot and the tedious hours are made longer by the hour commute and 4:45 alarm clocks. Overall, though, the job is enjoyable.  The players are
generally amiable, and the first-time falcons and free agents fighting for roster spots misspend their energy learning our names as if we are consulted about whether they can continue to eek out an existence without resorting to selling drugs or breeding pit bulls.

    On Friday July 27th, the players slowly filtered out of their apartments a half hour before a 2:30 meeting for Special Teams players and Quarterbacks. My first passenger on the afternoon shuttle was QB Joey Harrington, owner of a Black 7-series BMW with 20 inch rims and Pirrelli sport tires, who assured me that he looked only for essentials in his transportation and, thus, rode in my marginally
less stylish cart. I returned unaccompanied to the player dorms to see my next customer Noriaki Kinoshita, an Asian.

      As the cart slowly meandered along the pass, I realized that I could hang my left foot out of the cart without touching the ground. I turned up the road as it wound left of the border fence and returned my gaze to my  foot hovering hypnotically above the ground. My head sank. My eyes closed. I was tired. Noriaki yelled, “Ahhh. NO!” in a voice only Paul Kim and Kevin Tooke could replicate impeccably.  I had fallen asleep and wrecked the cart into a fence post. The tie rod, which connects the front wheels to the steering column, had bent in half. The plastic wheel covers of the front tires were tossed away. One lay as a pedestal for my previously gravity defying shoe holder, the other was nestled snugly between the fence and underlying pinestraw. I reported the cart to have broken down, unscathed, Kinoshita was picked up and I was given another cart.

      After work, at 7pm I was contacted by my boss who said that due to substantial damage to the fence and the cart, I had to be let go. Unqualified to operate a golf cart, I will receive a check for 13
hours of work, which will just cover the gas receipt for my commutes. Michael Vick and Alec White, suspended from Falcons Training camp 2007.

I guess I’m bummed about the situation, but if it had happened to any of you, it would be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.

All the best,

Alec White