Archive for July, 2007

I feel obligated to write about my thoughts on the Kevin Garnett trade.  Especially before Bill Simmons analyzes it twenty times better than me.  First and foremost I loved everything about KG as a player and person and personified everything that is right in sports.  A player who was never content losing but not arrogant enough like the rest of our sports superstars to ever force a trade.  Unlike Paul Pierce, who told Boston’s front office this year that he wants to leave if they don’t bring anyone in, in the off-season.  Well there you go Paul, now prove something you over-rated fuck.  This trade really is a win-win for both sides though.  Boston gets one year at the minumum to see if the core of Rondo, Pierce, Allen and KG can win a title.  Which reminds me how no one is even mentioning that Boston still has Rondo to start at the point, a good (maybe even great) young point guard to distribute the ball (I would have loved to get him instead of Telfair).  Then after one year KG can decide if he wants to opt out of Boston.  And if his love for Sota is so true, that would be great if he came back.  Don’t know if that is possible financially, but I hope so. 

As for the Timberwolves.  First and foremost, I love Al Jefferson.  At one point today the trade was mentioned to not include Al Jefferson. 
http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news?slug=rotowire-evinarnetthatillitak&prov=rotowire&type=fantasy
If that was true, I think I might go ahead and end it by hanging myself with a barbed wire.  When I read that I e-mailed around 30 of my friends.  I got two great responses.  One from Kermit that said, “you cannot use that language when you email me at this address, please do not send emails to me at this address unless it is a reply to an email I sent you.  Thanks.”  I started laughing out loud when I read that, hoping he was serious.  But, he called me an hour later to tell me that his company has a policy that says if they receive an e-mail with swear words in the message they have to send that message back.  The second e-mail response from Fucks1sOr10s said, “He is the only fuckin thing that you have this is worthwhile in Minn.  Get rid of him and now everyone will hate little canada.  And good luck ever gettin on t.v. with that useless squad.  Here we go cubbies here we go.” I just liked that his little square of a brain came up with such a clever and original signing off cheer for his hometown team.  I also received a great text from BergTurd, “Moss is a patriot. garnett is a celtic. whats next? mauer to the red sox?”  I liked that one, because yeah my two favorite sports stars are now headed to Bill Simmons franchises.

As for the players.  I couldn’t be more excited about Al Jefferson.  We are getting the most proven young up and coming star at the most difficult position to find talent at in the NBA.  I’ve had a mini man crush on Al Jefferson since he was one of the primary reasons for me winning my fantasy basketball title last year.  He averaged about a 25-10 for the last couple months of last year.  Sebastian Telfair needs to hang out with Ricky Davis and Bryant McKinnie and go on the party boat so he can get arrested for rape and never see the court.  I mean how can you take him seriously after that ESPN show a couple years ago.  Three years ago when the Timberwolves were on the clock in the draft I was split between them taking McCants or Green.  I thought McCants was the better pick for competing right away, but that Green had more long term potential.  Well, now we have both of them and now I only have to hope one of them pans out.  Theo Ratliff is a great shot-blocker who does absolutely nothing else.  He can hang out with Mark (my least favorite Timberwolf) Blount on the bench.  Also, he will provide needed cap space for the biggest and best free agent class in years next summer.  Ryan Gomes will battle Craig Smith for the starting PF job and is an interesting final throw in to this trade.  He played 31 minutes last year and averaged almost a 12-6 and is still a very young player with loads of potential.  Lastly, the two first round picks were needed as we’ve given away so many from our future that we’re probably getting back to right around even.

The rest of the Timberwolves will get a lot of on the job training.  We no longer can groom the young guys, they will now just get thrown to the lions.  Next year’s lineup will see Foye, McCants/Brewer/Green, Davis, Smith and Al Jefferson.  A formidable young lineup that will be lucky to grind out about 25-30 wins and in turn get another top 10 pick and a great chance to be a top 6 playoff team the following year.  And if any one of the McCants/Brewer/Gerald Green can develop into a stud 2 guard, I think we are real contenders in the coming years.

I know the Timberwolves aren’t going to be winning any championships this year, so I hope KG finally gets his title.  Then, my wishful thinking hopes he comes back to ‘Sota’ a year from now when all the young guns have an extra year under their belt.

This was sent to me from Version4.0.  His friend from Notre Dame who I went to Acapulco with a couple years ago e-mailed him this story. 

Friends,

    This spring I secured summer employment with the Atlanta Falcons
as a golf-cart driver during the annual training camp. The job
consists of taking the players from their dorms to the training
facilities. Many of you scoffed at this opportunity suggesting I was
“overqualified”. Others suggested that I was piddling away a great
education. Only Mike Piery doubted my ability. He maintained I was
unqualified due to a lack of golf cart driving experience.

     The training camp grounds are in Flowery Branch, which sits about 40 miles from my house in North Atlanta. This year has been especially difficult as the Falcons star Quarter Back/ Valtrex user/CEO of Bad Newz Kennels is pitted in a battle against the Government and all Americans who cried at the end of Old Yeller. The first day of camp was rife with both protesters and supporters of the recently beleaguered Vick. One fan was heard to suggest that pit bulls would do the same to us if given the chance.

    The circuit for the golf carts is about a half of a mile long and snakes along the boundary of the property then between an indoor facility and a maintenance shed. It takes about three minutes for a
golf cart to complete the circuit.  The Georgia sun is hot and the tedious hours are made longer by the hour commute and 4:45 alarm clocks. Overall, though, the job is enjoyable.  The players are
generally amiable, and the first-time falcons and free agents fighting for roster spots misspend their energy learning our names as if we are consulted about whether they can continue to eek out an existence without resorting to selling drugs or breeding pit bulls.

    On Friday July 27th, the players slowly filtered out of their apartments a half hour before a 2:30 meeting for Special Teams players and Quarterbacks. My first passenger on the afternoon shuttle was QB Joey Harrington, owner of a Black 7-series BMW with 20 inch rims and Pirrelli sport tires, who assured me that he looked only for essentials in his transportation and, thus, rode in my marginally
less stylish cart. I returned unaccompanied to the player dorms to see my next customer Noriaki Kinoshita, an Asian.

      As the cart slowly meandered along the pass, I realized that I could hang my left foot out of the cart without touching the ground. I turned up the road as it wound left of the border fence and returned my gaze to my  foot hovering hypnotically above the ground. My head sank. My eyes closed. I was tired. Noriaki yelled, “Ahhh. NO!” in a voice only Paul Kim and Kevin Tooke could replicate impeccably.  I had fallen asleep and wrecked the cart into a fence post. The tie rod, which connects the front wheels to the steering column, had bent in half. The plastic wheel covers of the front tires were tossed away. One lay as a pedestal for my previously gravity defying shoe holder, the other was nestled snugly between the fence and underlying pinestraw. I reported the cart to have broken down, unscathed, Kinoshita was picked up and I was given another cart.

      After work, at 7pm I was contacted by my boss who said that due to substantial damage to the fence and the cart, I had to be let go. Unqualified to operate a golf cart, I will receive a check for 13
hours of work, which will just cover the gas receipt for my commutes. Michael Vick and Alec White, suspended from Falcons Training camp 2007.

I guess I’m bummed about the situation, but if it had happened to any of you, it would be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.

All the best,

Alec White

The same night as the Free Beer Free Fun article, HogginBoy had quite the adventure after the bar as told by him in this article.  I don’t feel like giving his girlfriend a name right now, plus I like the fill in the blank move by HogginBoy.  The Harry Potter line kills me each time I read this.

So shortly after 10 when our free beer period ended, ________ (fill in name for Alexis here, she will be “AH” throughout the rest of the story) and I left the bar supposedly because I was “too drunk” (as I am told). I didn’t think I really was, but then all of the beer decided to hit me at once and I blacked out as we headed towards the door. I was told that we called a cab to get back to AH’s friend’s place where we had started the night (I only knew we had paid the driver cause I was a $20 short the next day). When we make it back to the friend’s place, we try the door and it’s locked, as it turns out AH’s friends are still out partying. AH is hammered at this point as well, and is trying to figure out what we’re going to do. We walk back down the stairway, and I proceed to puke my brains out as I’m leaning over the railing.

AH is trying to call all of her friends to try and figure out where they are, and I decide to help by completely passing out in the middle of the front yard. After much yelling and smacks to the face, AH is able to help me regain consciousness. AH eventually gets a hold of her sister, who happens to still be awake because she had attended the Harry Potter book release party and she agrees to pick us up. We decide to meet at McDonald’s, so AH and I head over there. Once inside, AH has to use the bathroom. While I’m sitting there waiting for her, I decide that I have to go to. When I come back out, I return to my original seat and patiently wait for her.

An abnormal amount of time passes for a girl to be in the bathroom, so I decide to go in to check for her, and no one is in there. I then notice that there is a family/handicapped/whatever bathroom as well, and think that AH has gone in there. I pound on the door and get no response, so naturally I think she has passed out. I ask the McDonald’s worker to open it up, but she claims she has no key. By this time, AH’s sister has arrived, and somehow she is able to get someone to unlock the door. Turns out no one is in there either, and it was probably locked the whole time.

So, we have no idea where AH is, and on the walk over her phone died so she had thrown it on the ground. Luckily I picked it up, but this meant there was no way of contacting her. There’s nothing else we can do but aimlessly drive around searching for AH. As we’re driving around, a random number calls AH’s sister’s phone, and it is AH telling us where she is. It turns out when AH came out of the bathroom, she didn’t see me, so her drunken mind decides that it means I must have left, and she needs to go looking for me. She then wondered around barefoot through random neighborhoods, tried to go into a house that a random girl said she could chill at till she figured out what was going on, and then randomly ran into another dude that had been at Brother’s earlier and was lost as well, and used his phone to call us. We then proceeded to drive all the way back to AH’s house, 45 minutes south of the cities.

Milf…Wake up and please tell me what happened last night?! 8:14 a.m. 4/20/07
-Wow, this is old, don’t remember, must have been fun.

3at39…And yes i did orgasm ten times. we opened the window and stiff breeze made me cum.
4/20/07 1:49 p.m.
-That chick sends the best texts, I love them.  But she sucks as a person.

3at39…Nope. I an honest girl. right now Milf is getting as much action as AA got last night but i have not made her come yet. Lol…2:23 p.m. 4/20/07
-that’s just dirty
3at39…Makes you want to throw away bottle huh. I wil buy you a new one…2:28 p.m. 4/20/07
-after telling me she used my lotion to jerk off my friend, gross

JackBauer’sGirl…Im so proud of you for going international!…5:39 p.m. 5/13/07
-yeah that’s right

Version4.0…You know it’s just not fair you never made varsity.  5:10 p.m. 7/20/07
-haha

TKM…Is the little bitch coming? Or is he going to be a little girl and stay with Boobies (about Fritzagizard)…8:44 p.m. 5/15/07
-Clearly a little bitch, the kid never left our apartment unless it benefited him

Nanner…O ok ive seen it twice its good but the characters are emotional…Have fun ill call you tomorrow…10:27 p.m. 5/16/07
-Haha, she called spiderman emotional

Heather…Mcstale come on :)…12:58 a.m. 5/18/07
-Love that nickname, had to write it.

EvilFather…WTF!?!? THIS IS THE WIEREST CAB RIDE EVER…1:39 a.m. 5/18/07
-don’t remember why, but we were fucking creeped out, some one fill in the blackout blanks

Hojoke…I literally just wrestled a cab driver…12:22 a.m. 5/19/07
-fucking hysterical, mad props

EvilFather…Aren’t we a badass…4:06 p.m. 5/19/07
-were u drunk that doesn’t make sense, are we one person or a team or something

HogginBoy…Want to help finish my keg tonight?…6:36 p.m. 5/20/07
-huh, Hoggin giving away free beer?

HogginBoy…All I’ve talked to are PDabs and ToadCock.  Not sure if PDabs is drinking.  You can invite anyone over 21 though…6:54 p.m. 5/20/07
–then specifying only people over 21, what the hell the youngsters are the best to bring to a kegger, we hang out with the 21 plus crowd at the bars daily

EvilFather…Fucking star party…unbelievable…9:44 a.m. 5/22/07. 
-Sent in a mocking matter before we had the best time ever.

AllAmerican…Pretty jealous, love sluts…9:33 p.m. 5/24/07

PussyDabbler…ToadCock’s norway girl goes to danish fest every year!…10:56 p.m. 5/24/07
-saved this so I remember to write about how crazy danish fest is…and for the record it’s called Roskilde Festival

ToadCock…you are such a groupie…12:58 a.m. 5/25/07
-insulting me for being at star party, call me whatever you want, that shit was awesome

PDabsLittleSister…No. you could go up to her and ask her for her name yourself…6:48 p.m. 5/25/07
-I was already drunk and I texted Pdabs little sister to see if she knew who she was and if so to introduce me to this chick working at the restaurant we were both at.  I got told by a high schooler.

TwinKidMan…These houses are outrageous!…1:27 p.m. 5/26/07
-TKM was out in California, so jealous of him….I wouldn’t mind living there for a couple years at one point in my life.

D…Our cab driver is not amused :(…12:57 a.m. 5/27/07
-not surprised we can be complete d-bags to our cab drivers

Mrs.Macy’s…U suck!…1:34 a.m. 5/27/07
-You don’t have to tell me, this I know.  Plus, my blacked out ass ditched her, it was deserved.

Nanner…Blotting pizza isnt gay…Its healthy. Same with giving another man a blow jay…Its from this college book heheh. 7:23 p.m. 5/28/07
-I want to read this book.  It’s called The College Humor Guide to College.

JackBauersGirl…I’m scared for your dentists well being…9:43 a.m. 5/29/07.
-I feel for them as well, one day my teeth will just fall out.

Bill Simmons is writing a new book.  I couldn’t be more excited as his first book is one of my top five favorite books I’ve ever read.  The following is a random complation of things I read and wanted to comment on from his past articles that I haven’t mentioned yet. 

Bill Simmons in response to the Knicks/Denver brawl, when asked who the ‘toughest team’ in the league was responded with “That’s an interesting topic. I’d have to say the toughest team is probably Minny - KG by himself could win a bench-clearing brawl. And they have Ricky Davis, Eddie Griffin, Mike James, Troy Hudson.”77  Thanks for the love B.S., but seriously KG might have a passion for the game, but that passion doesn’t extend to fighting.  I remember a couple years back in the Nuggets series where there was a brawl and all K.G. did was keep backstepping so he didn’t get hit. 

Bill Simmons in regards to Jack (I personally know this guy) Morris and whether he deserved to be in the baseball hall.  I never knew about the quote B.S. brought up, now I love Jack Morris even more. 

JACK MORRIS: YES
I’d even vote Morris in as a Level Two Hall of Famer — see my Hall of Fame Pyramid for details — because his 10-inning, complete-game shutout in Game 7 of the ‘91 Series remains the most memorable big-game pitching performance of the pre-Schilling Bloody Sock Era. He also won 162 games in the ’80s, which speaks for itself. And remember, Morris once dismissed female sportswriters by saying, “The only time I want to talk to a woman when I’m naked is if I’m on top of them or they’re on top of me,” which might be one of the five or six funniest high-school yearbook quotes ever. Throw in that cool handlebar ’stache and he’s in. Discussing this one for more than 30 seconds actually makes me angry.

And then lastly, Bill Simmons recently wrote about the NBA referee scandal.  He pretty much nailed the issue and if you have time, this is the best article I’ve read in the past few weeks.  Here’s the link
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/070722

Side Note 77: Speaking of black people, I was watching BET the other day, because they show episodes of the Wire on that channel and noticed something quite interesting.  During the one and a half hour show, they showed the same 5 commercials on loop during each commercial break.  Without making the ‘poor’ black person joke I don’t understand what happened. A) Is that how BET works? does every program have its own corresponding 5 commercials on loop. B) did the channel just malfunction during that time period or C) can I be refunded those 20+ minutes of my life because those commercials I watched were a Soul Train movie preview, a Lil Romeo TV show preview, a black saturday morning kids show preview, a Justin Timberlake movie preview (which doesn’t look half bad) and an HIV commercial.