Archive for May 29th, 2007

My scariest drinking night from my trip to Denmark.  Every night was pretty much the same game plan.  Work from 9 to 6.  Then we start drinking at around 5 because all of the customers come to our stand knowing that my dad always has ton of beer to serve.  Leave the fair at about 7 and head out to dinner.  Take a group of about 10-16 customers and employees out for great danish food and more drinks.  Then, my dad goes to bed and I take the people that want to keep drinking out.  This particular evening, I was out until 5 in the morning.  Had to wake up at 7:30, god that’s fucking exhausting.  Just writing this I remember how tired I was those days, needless to say lots of energy drinks.

I end up going out with a couple guys, but only one real trooper that lasted the whole evening.  He had lived in Copenhagen for a couple months and supposedly knew a bunch of hot spots or should I say hot spots in his mind.  We go to a couple bars have a good amount of fun.  But, old men75 (I realize I need to bring back the side notes, I’ve gone away from them for too long) can’t pick up chicks, so they eventually get bored and want to hit up some strip clubs (titty bars as they call them).  Go to the first strip club and it fucking sucked.  A whore only walked out on stage every 20 minutes, way to slow paced for our drunk asses.  Then, we move on to another strip club.  This one was equally as frustrating, just as slow, but also get this.  A stripper got mad at us for watching her give a lap dance to some guy at the table next to us, so she came over to our table and tried to make us pay for just watching.  Seriously, shut the fuck up trick.  It’s completely standard in a strip club that if you’re not in a back room and a stripper is giving a lap dance in a common area everyone is clearly going to watch you.  Finally, I calmed my frustration with some soothing tequila shots, god I had missed that, it had been over a week at that point.

Needless to say, we decided to leave this strip club as well.  What does this old guy want to do after striking out at two bars and two strip clubs?  Go to bed.  Nope, he tells me has one more place to show me.  I’m assuming anything will be better than these shady strip clubs.  Boy was I wrong.  He takes me to the street where all the hooker’s hang out in Copenhagen.  Are you kidding me, I’m 22, I don’t need to pay for ass, what the fuck do I look like.  Naturally, the first girl he sees (an overly thick black chick) comes up to him, offers to fuck him and they go off into the basement of some random vacated building. He hooked up with a fucking prostitute on the street corner, seriously who is this guy?  Okay, to each’s own, but at least give me a heads up before we get there.  Because now I’m stranded by myself and completely lost outside of downtown Copenhagen, meaning I’m by myself in Hookerville, Denmark.  It was probably the most decripid gross street in the world.  I was asked if I wanted Coca (cocaine for you innocent children) about every twenty seconds.  And was offered sex and blowjobs every 10 seconds.  Here’s the kicker the most I would have had to pay for a BJ was $5.  So, my drunk ass decides instead to take this hooker to the convenience store and tell her I’ll buy her whatever she wants for the cost of two blowjobs (haha, $10).  I shit you not, she ravaged that convenience store to find the best deal on everything. I never knew how much chocolate a crafty whore could find for ten bucks.  In retrospect that was qutie the great decision, I paid her off so that she didn’t rape me and make me aids infested.  I finally couldn’t take it anymore.  I was trying to be nice and wait for the guy to finish his business, but he was just taking way too long.  Oh yeah, and I’m still wearing a suit, the pimps probably thought I was trying to show them up since my suit retails for more money than they make in a week.  I’m still baffled I didn’t get jumped.  Picture me, drunken dumb ass in said suit standing on street corner talking to multiple prostitutes and their pimp.  Hmm, not smart.

I finally left hell and had to try to find my way home.  Unfortunately, some crazy random guy offered to walk me to some train station because he didn’t have any cab numbers (no cab numbers, yeah right).  So, we get to the train station and there’s no trains in service and it looks like this station’s been out of service for years.  By this point I’m beginning to get a little creeped out.  And then he goes and offers me to stay at his place, since it was conveniently nearby now.  Seriously, all that’s going through my mind is, “what the fuck is happening to me tonight.”  First, I’m getting offered blowjobs by hookers, now random strange dudes are trying to have me sleep at there place.  God, throw me a fucking bone here.  I’m sure the guy could clearly tell I was struggling and thought I was an easy target.  Fuck that, I ain’t shacking up with no random dude.  So, then I just kind of decide to run away. 

By this point I’m finally so frustrated that I just throw my hand up in the air and walk around hoping some cab will see me.  As fate would have it, there’s no taxi signs anywhere on this car that pulls up, but by this point I’m desperate.  He didn’t have a meter, so I asked him how much it was gonna cost.  He tells me like $80 for a $30 cab fair.  So I tell him to fuck off.  And he almost killed me getting off the main road to pull over to kick me out.  So, this cab driver kicked me out of his cab after driving only two blocks.  Thank the lord those two blocks brought me back into downtown or I think I’d still be lost.  I finally get home around 5 and only get a couple hours of shut eye.  So, to recap I dealt with angry stippers, overbearing prostitues and a gay man trying to ake advantage of me.  I’m so happy I escaped sexually unscathed.

Side Note 75: What old men can do is reminisce and tell me stories about my dad.  Those never get old.  They told me about my dad’s 30 year birthday party, oh my god, I’m proud to just be his son.  I have a lot to fucking live up to.  Kept hearing how no one could drink with them ever.  My dad and my uncle were rivaled by none.  I think I’m filling those shoes quite well.  I can’t wait until my little brother or sister fill my uncle’s vacated drinking shoes.