Archive for May, 2007

try to not laugh at this video, it’s hilarious…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKetoovXQ88 

and then try not to cry, while watching this video…so close to shedding man tears…this is why we shouldn’t fucking go to war
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjBQgOpC5TU 

that a boy spencer…
http://usmagazine.com/spencer_pratt_and_heidi_montag_engaged

watch out NFC, here’s the next Urlacher, finally fucking healthy. 
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ap-vikings-greenwaysback&prov=ap&type=lgns 

just finished listening to my first ever bill simmon’s podcast, keep it mind I wrote this before yesterday’s podcast with Alton.  learned an interesting fact.  Amare Stoudemire is not allowed by the team to lift weights because they are scared he’d get too big.  Simmon’s referenced facebook in it and came up with a funny idea, that all the white guys in the NBA create a facebook group and chat and keep in touch through this group.  I like that idea because then I could read about it.

Well here’s a completely new forum for me to analyze.  But, I just couldn’t pass it up.  Bill Simmons is now doing podcasts where he basically interviews someone in the sports world for a half hour.  The past couple weeks have been quite random and honestly not that good.  I was about ready to give up on them, until I saw who he was interviewing this week.  Alton from the Real World and as B.S. called him, ‘the greatest reality TV athlete ever.’  Needless to say he hooked me in and now I’m obligated to do a running blog.

Bill Simmons introduces Alton as one of the most dominant athletes of the 21st century and compares him to Tom Brady, Barry Bonds and Kobe Bryant.  I like where this is headed.  Bill Simmons claims he’s pulling for the Patriots to draft him in the 7th round and turn him into a cornerback (brilliant idea) 76.  One of his first questions he asks Alton is whether he played sports as a kid?  Alton replies with no, I’m a rockclimber, surfer, skater type.  B.S. replies with, so you were built to be on this show basically.  Hilarious.  Honestly, how the fuck did Alton never play sports? I don’t buy it.

B.S. then asks Alton if he thinks these challenges could replace Hockey as the fourth professional sport.  Alton honestly replies with a yes and the worst reasoning for it to be a sport ever.  Needless to say, the two of these guys are going to have to work out a couple of kinks in there arguments before they start pushing for this sport.  Because honestly the only way that this thing would ever have a chance is if these two guys were the ambassadors of the sport.  Bill Simmons playing the role of David Stern and Alton playing the role of Lebron James.

The next interesting question B.S. asked was what goes on, off camera everyday.  Alton completely dodged the question and said the show does a good job portraying everything.  I don’t buy this, Alton quit being shady, give us the listeners/viewers some damn answers.  I laughed again, B.S. compared Alton’s cock to that of a horse.  If Alton was giving half the effort of B.S. and not just fake laughing this thing would be a hit.  God, another great question, B.S. and his friends think guys are juicing up for the show.  And by that he was referring to Danny showing up a solid 25 pounds heavier this season.  Alton, avoids the steroids question and claims people get self conscious when they see themselves on T.V. and choose to bulk up because they don’t like how skinny they looked on T.V. from a past year. 

Hold on, I don’t think Alton knows who Bill Simmons is.  While B.S. was asking him why he isn’t just touring in the U.S. on a major bar crawl as a mini celebrity.  Alton tells him to hold on, on that question because he needs to finish buying some cigarettes (Parliament Lights).  Are you kidding me Alton?  Take this serious already.  I’m angered.  The rest of the interview continues with Alton continually dodging questions.  But, here are some things I did learn.  Alton, Irulan, Brynn and her husband hung out a lot after the show and stayed good friends.  Learned Alton’s not in the next challenge, very disappointing news.  And Alton had absolutely no idea Tonya appeared in a softcore porn.  I feel like this is valuable information that he should know, it’s dirt he can use on challenges.  Wait I forgot he’s not like anyone else, he doesn’t need dirt to get in people’s heads, he doesn’t fucking lose.

As a whole Bill Simmons knocked every question out of the park.  This gave Alton the opportunity to jump all over many huge issues that the viewers want to know about, but he gave us almost nothing.  I love Alton as a reality character and physical beast but he has the interview skills of a fucking chimp. 

Side Note 76: EvilFather’s sitting next to me right now playing on facebook and just said outloud to her smalldog, “you’re making me all wet between my legs and not in a good way.”

Oh yeah and if you want to listen to it for yourself, here’s the link… Eye of the Sports Guy

My scariest drinking night from my trip to Denmark.  Every night was pretty much the same game plan.  Work from 9 to 6.  Then we start drinking at around 5 because all of the customers come to our stand knowing that my dad always has ton of beer to serve.  Leave the fair at about 7 and head out to dinner.  Take a group of about 10-16 customers and employees out for great danish food and more drinks.  Then, my dad goes to bed and I take the people that want to keep drinking out.  This particular evening, I was out until 5 in the morning.  Had to wake up at 7:30, god that’s fucking exhausting.  Just writing this I remember how tired I was those days, needless to say lots of energy drinks.

I end up going out with a couple guys, but only one real trooper that lasted the whole evening.  He had lived in Copenhagen for a couple months and supposedly knew a bunch of hot spots or should I say hot spots in his mind.  We go to a couple bars have a good amount of fun.  But, old men75 (I realize I need to bring back the side notes, I’ve gone away from them for too long) can’t pick up chicks, so they eventually get bored and want to hit up some strip clubs (titty bars as they call them).  Go to the first strip club and it fucking sucked.  A whore only walked out on stage every 20 minutes, way to slow paced for our drunk asses.  Then, we move on to another strip club.  This one was equally as frustrating, just as slow, but also get this.  A stripper got mad at us for watching her give a lap dance to some guy at the table next to us, so she came over to our table and tried to make us pay for just watching.  Seriously, shut the fuck up trick.  It’s completely standard in a strip club that if you’re not in a back room and a stripper is giving a lap dance in a common area everyone is clearly going to watch you.  Finally, I calmed my frustration with some soothing tequila shots, god I had missed that, it had been over a week at that point.

Needless to say, we decided to leave this strip club as well.  What does this old guy want to do after striking out at two bars and two strip clubs?  Go to bed.  Nope, he tells me has one more place to show me.  I’m assuming anything will be better than these shady strip clubs.  Boy was I wrong.  He takes me to the street where all the hooker’s hang out in Copenhagen.  Are you kidding me, I’m 22, I don’t need to pay for ass, what the fuck do I look like.  Naturally, the first girl he sees (an overly thick black chick) comes up to him, offers to fuck him and they go off into the basement of some random vacated building. He hooked up with a fucking prostitute on the street corner, seriously who is this guy?  Okay, to each’s own, but at least give me a heads up before we get there.  Because now I’m stranded by myself and completely lost outside of downtown Copenhagen, meaning I’m by myself in Hookerville, Denmark.  It was probably the most decripid gross street in the world.  I was asked if I wanted Coca (cocaine for you innocent children) about every twenty seconds.  And was offered sex and blowjobs every 10 seconds.  Here’s the kicker the most I would have had to pay for a BJ was $5.  So, my drunk ass decides instead to take this hooker to the convenience store and tell her I’ll buy her whatever she wants for the cost of two blowjobs (haha, $10).  I shit you not, she ravaged that convenience store to find the best deal on everything. I never knew how much chocolate a crafty whore could find for ten bucks.  In retrospect that was qutie the great decision, I paid her off so that she didn’t rape me and make me aids infested.  I finally couldn’t take it anymore.  I was trying to be nice and wait for the guy to finish his business, but he was just taking way too long.  Oh yeah, and I’m still wearing a suit, the pimps probably thought I was trying to show them up since my suit retails for more money than they make in a week.  I’m still baffled I didn’t get jumped.  Picture me, drunken dumb ass in said suit standing on street corner talking to multiple prostitutes and their pimp.  Hmm, not smart.

I finally left hell and had to try to find my way home.  Unfortunately, some crazy random guy offered to walk me to some train station because he didn’t have any cab numbers (no cab numbers, yeah right).  So, we get to the train station and there’s no trains in service and it looks like this station’s been out of service for years.  By this point I’m beginning to get a little creeped out.  And then he goes and offers me to stay at his place, since it was conveniently nearby now.  Seriously, all that’s going through my mind is, “what the fuck is happening to me tonight.”  First, I’m getting offered blowjobs by hookers, now random strange dudes are trying to have me sleep at there place.  God, throw me a fucking bone here.  I’m sure the guy could clearly tell I was struggling and thought I was an easy target.  Fuck that, I ain’t shacking up with no random dude.  So, then I just kind of decide to run away. 

By this point I’m finally so frustrated that I just throw my hand up in the air and walk around hoping some cab will see me.  As fate would have it, there’s no taxi signs anywhere on this car that pulls up, but by this point I’m desperate.  He didn’t have a meter, so I asked him how much it was gonna cost.  He tells me like $80 for a $30 cab fair.  So I tell him to fuck off.  And he almost killed me getting off the main road to pull over to kick me out.  So, this cab driver kicked me out of his cab after driving only two blocks.  Thank the lord those two blocks brought me back into downtown or I think I’d still be lost.  I finally get home around 5 and only get a couple hours of shut eye.  So, to recap I dealt with angry stippers, overbearing prostitues and a gay man trying to ake advantage of me.  I’m so happy I escaped sexually unscathed.

Side Note 75: What old men can do is reminisce and tell me stories about my dad.  Those never get old.  They told me about my dad’s 30 year birthday party, oh my god, I’m proud to just be his son.  I have a lot to fucking live up to.  Kept hearing how no one could drink with them ever.  My dad and my uncle were rivaled by none.  I think I’m filling those shoes quite well.  I can’t wait until my little brother or sister fill my uncle’s vacated drinking shoes.

Clearly the funniest article I’ve read on-line in weeks.  It’s from the site JebusHChrist that I have listed under sites to visit.  I finally got around to checking some of his stuff out.  It’s hilarious.  I seriously laughed out loud multiple times.  God, I Love poop humor.
http://manvstrain.blogspot.com/2007/04/my-sixth-worst-ex-of-all-time.html

Test your knowledge.  Normally, I hate these games, but this one was rather intriguing. Probably only because I did quite well.  I got 21/25 with EvilFather sitting next to me as my proof that there was no cheating.  She didn’t fare so well, she got 14/25, I think there needs to be an adjustment made in her streetsmarts ranking.  Or because she’s a girl and her brain is only a third the size of mine.  It’s science.  Write your scores down and don’t read the comments until after taking the test because they hint at some of the answers.  Oh yeah and articles will come back next week, I’ve been too drunk and lazy to write recently, my bad.  But, I did just get around to hungover writing on like that last 10 articles and responding to most everyone’s comments.

http://www.oldjoeblack.0nyx.com/thinktst.htm