Archive for April, 2007

The following are a couple of questions Wife (PussyDabbler’s girlfriend) asked me on our road trip to Iowa and I wrote this during the drive.

I was just asked the most difficult question that I’ve had to answer in the past year.   Keeping in mind that I deal with business deusche’s on a regular basis.  I was just asked to break down the hottest girls in The Hills.My List
#1 Heidi
#2 Lauren
#3 Whitney
#4 Audrina

A road trip to be remembered.  TwinKidMan, AllAmerican and myself decided to drive to Madison for the weekend for MiniMiz’s birthday.  Today’s article is a summary of that Friday night, tomorrow’s article will be Saturday’s stories and Friday’s article will be all of Sunday’s stories.  Needless to say a lot happened within that weekend.

Our Drive…On the drive down we had great sex talk, which is pretty much standard for any road trip I’ve taken in the past five years.  Made a burger king pit stop and for some reason we were all infatuated with this little red head behind the counter with a perfect ass.  Naturally we carry on a conversation in pig latin about her ass so she hopefully doesn’t know what we’re saying.  Seriously though, how can she work at Burger King and have that nice of a butt, shouldn’t she be eating anything within arm reach.  While at this same Burger King, TKM managed to pee twice within our 10 minute stop.  I have a hard enough time forcing one piss out, how is that possible?  The road trip ended with AA and TKM having there own little booze cruise with Jim Beam for the final 15 minutes.  I was extremely jealous.  

The Bar.. Not even five minutes after walking into the bar Friday evening we were already on stage.  MiniMiz had to get up there and lead myself and TKM in a dance.  I was not in the mood and pretty much just stood there pouting like a toddler.  See, I would have had no problem doing this if I was drunk.  But, I hadn’t even had time to get any liquor in me and then the next thing I know my sober ass is on stage.  A little later (off stage) we’re sitting at the tables and EvilFather hits AA in the face.  This knocks his tooth out (it was a fake tooth) and everyone spends the next 10 minutes weeding through the popcorn kernels on the floor looking for it.  After that we moved onto to the next bar where we met up with a bunch of old friends.  A.k.a. ‘The Nick Endsley’ and as AllAmerican said, Erica Flett was there, enough said.  At this bar, the bartender was this huge 6’5, 250 pound, scraggily haired man, who managed to be an unbelievable nice guy.  He gave MiniMiz a million free shots since it was his birthday and gave us great discounts because we were with MiniMiz and he’d never met any of us before. 

Love at first sight…Corny, ridiculous, strange, awkward all of those words work to summarize EvilFather and BestStoryTeller that weekend.  It was only the second time they had ever met each other and they were completely infatuated with one another and basically never left each other’s side the whole weekend.  We were all baffled by how in love two people could be after only two days.  It was sickening and for some strange reason it bothered us all.  So, they were the butt end of all of our jokes for the weekend.  EvilFather is already flying out this weekend to visit him again.  Weird.

Afties…After the bar we ran into some random Eagan kids who talked our ears off for a good hour before making our way back to Miz’s.  When we got back from the bars we ended up playing cards until 5:30 a.m.  AllAmerican was getting bossed around while we were all playing cards because he wasn’t making the pizza fast enough for our drunken muncies.  He eventually got frustrated enough to yell back at us, “who do I look like, Betty Fucking Crocker.”

Wow, Jason from Laguna Beach has officially lost his mind, check out the following link and more specifically the picture.  I keep hearing rumors that the sex tape and this picture are being sent to the gossip people by Spencer from the Hills.  Basically, Spencer is like that main character from Dirt, the tool who provides the tabloids with material and in return they try and make him more famous.  Which, would explain how Spencer landed on the cover of US Weekly last week.  Clearly, I had to pick it up after seeing him on the cover. http://usmagazine.com/node/8563

Huh, a real life bio dome in which everything is taped.  More importantly when do these guys fit in time to beat off.  There’s no way these guys go six weeks without getting off.  Can’t wait to hear about the first guy to walk into the bathroom (a place I’m assuming has no tapes) with a laptop, you know what’s going on there.
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/hr/content_display/television/news/e3i22635e34795b66819fae3c94862dc41c

I really hope this is where T.V. goes next, that would be fucking unreal…
http://www.tvpredictions.com/hologramtv041807.htm

Talk about random… http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=7&entry_id=15485

Wow, so jealous, I wish I was in the audience for either routine, Chapelle’s or Cook’s.
http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117963202.html?categoryid=14&cs=1  

That, ‘I’m just buzzed’ video is part of a new website being created by Will Ferrell.  Can’t wait until I get some free time to check out some more of these types of videos.
http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/newmedia/la-et-ferrell17apr17,1,6713773.story?ctrack=3&cset=true

Another batch of texts from tons of different people.

Fucks1’sOr10’s…I have always been a pro…dad taught well
-forget what this was in regards to, probably don’t want to know

JackBauer’sGirl…I think this mug explains it all. It says worlds best boss. i picked it up at spencer gifts…1/1/07
-clearly a great office quote

D….Sorry I called…forgot it was Saturday…i’m leaving to go ski diving at 7 am! wish me luck miss you!…1/7/07
-now thats something I don’t know if I’d have the balls to do

SmellsLikeOats…I’m in Chicago and I just heard a techno version of the oc song and it made me think of you…1/13/07

Bogartz…There are two things that matter in my life. One of them is devin hester, the other is a Hasselback concussion. GO BEARS 1/14/07

JackBauer’sGirl…Holy shit Jack is crazier than ever…1/14/07
-this after he vampire bit someone in i believe the series premiere

Version4.0… “Remember that time you called me and then denied it. Yeah your gay.”

KenDiesel…Binge drinking tonight! Is it sad that I am already excited at 8 am? 1/26/07
-A text from my bud before this night http://michaelmoller.com/wordpress/archives/107

JackBauer’sGirl…I just left work early to go drink. proud? 2/1/07
-absolutely

Johnsta…Sweet football picks bro you picked a whole bunch of winners. NOT! I think your retarded or something 2/4/07
-love you too little brother

Martin (DanishGuy#3)…Hej hvad skal du i weekenden?…2/20/07
-my first ever text I received in Danish, this is the new trainee who replaced DanishGuy#2.

Fritzagizard…Netermind fuck you….2/23/07
-shows exactly why he deserves a 0 for texting.

EvilFather…P.S. I know your alcohoic ass is sitting taking shots by yourself right now 2/15/07 8:24 p.m.

EvilFather…Meekail! This is why I’m hot! Playing right now! I Miss you! 2/24/07 1:44 a.m.

Carebear…You are such a perv! But yep I am! Wish I was there tell her I say hi. Yall have a good time. 3/3/07 6:39 p.m.
-in regards to all of my friends and I being excited about a hot 18 year old that came over that night

Patty Mobody…Me and Berger and Kristen are doing body shots off of a hot bartender in nyc 3/4/07 12:28 a.m.
-so jealous

BergTurd…The whites are family friends. We always thought pats older brother john was going to be the stud but it looks like we were wrong. 3/7/07 5:34 p.m.
-this would take way too long to explain

EvilFather…Ask jorgenxyzqmolla if he wants to be my new daddy, cause I’m looking for a replacement…then ask him if he wants to buy my tic to Hawaii. 3/7/07 8:05 p.m.

EvilFather…You’re going to die when I tell you something so inappropriate it will almost freak you out, but it won’t quite cause you’ll be strangely intrigued…3/8/07 4:21 p.m.
-freak me out? check, strangely intrigued? check…can i tell the story? i think i’d be defriended or murdered

JackBauer’sGirl…Me and PattyMobody found a bar In New York that sells beer bongs. 3/8/07 8:45 p.m.
-what are we still 18?

Version4.0…Ouvre le livre a la page soissant neuf. 3/9/07 11:39 A.M.

JackBuaer’sGirl…I own many leather bound books and my apartment smells of a rich mahogany. 3/10/07 4:46 p.m.
-Clearly, I called her out for adding an unneccesary a

JackBauer’sGirl…Yeah I’m a dumbass. 3/10/07 4:51 p.m.

AllAmerican…I made that bitch bleed. 3/11/07 12:22 a.m.
-AA kicked someone’s ass, wish I was there to see it. 

AllAmerican…Ever hit a walk off bomb? Bc I did today bitch! 3/15/07 4:43 p.m.

Johnsta..Don’t call me til after the game I have a hoax or whatever 3/15/07 7:12
-it’s called a jinx loser

Hojoke…I am speechless if the squares never won then what I do wouldn’t work but that was one absurd fucking cover…3/16/07 5:08 p.m.

Hojoke…Wish I got the memo from the books about all the free money 3/16/07 11:10 p.m.

Hojoke…Making my first real wager of the tourney Xavier +7 for 500 love this play dont really like much else 3/17/07 10:40 a.m.

Hojoke…If Xavier blows this I may never wager again…3/17/07
-The funny thing with this is Xavier was up about 9 with 2 to play and managed to go into overtime. I didn’t even care who won the game I just didn’t want O.T. Of course Ohio State hits a miracle 3 and Gus Johnson splooges all over himself. Fritzagizard sits there just watching my facial expressions as he loves to do when I get pissed. It’s St. Paddy’s day and I’m already drunk so I’m chucking my cell phone across the room, just angry. In O.T. I win my bet, but Hojoke pushes. But, don’t worry that text was clearly a lie, that was just the beginning of his bets for the tourney.

CareBear…Ha ha no prob it was pretty funny, told my mom about the textbook part she thought it was funny as well. 3/17/07 3:08 p.m.
-AA and I made a rap song when we were drunk one night ripping a specific girl apart for no reason and calling people and trying to rap it.  God, we’re fucking losers.

MiniMiz…I’m drunk…are you? 3/21/07 1:33 a.m.

RickRickMiniDick…Hey sexy remember me? Im the curvy girl with the beads u met at the onion. I got ur number from ur short cute friend. Just wondering how u are and if ur gonna be back there anytime soon. I really wanna see you again. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about u. Anyway please call me soon. ttyl 3/22/07 11:58 a.m.
-no girl would ever send this text message you idiot, so easy to see through this

TwinKidMan…You sleep with my wife again ill kill you. 3/23/07 3:10 p.m.
-Haha, Milf passed out in my bed that night. 

EvilFather…Hrrp…found my phone. I’m def ridinng dirty 3/23/07 8:49 p.m.

Hojoke…Thatll be it for me on the year roughly 30 units of profit for the season actually moved the line at my book from 2 to 3 with my KU bet pretty fucking cool ac 3/24/97 8:44 p.m.
-Don’t know how that’s possible, but if true that’s unbelievably tight.

AllAmerican…Laughing so hard right now. 3/25/07 8:52 p.m.
-Tips Up

Version4.0…Nicholas Sparks 3/26/07 10:54 p.m.
-4.0 texting back within seconds after asking him who wrote the book the notebook because someone was blanking on who wrote it and I new 4.0 was obsessed with that book.  Fucking Loser

Fucks1’sOr10’s…I wish I was too now when you set drunk. 3/27/07 9:36 a.m.
-most incoherent text I’ve ever received in the morning

TwinKidMan…Come play with me 3/29/07 7:01 p.m.

Click here to see the old ones… http://michaelmoller.com/wordpress/archives/20

I’ve been out of town for the past couple days and haven’t been around a computer to write an article.  So, instead here’s a link sent to me by HogginBoy.  It’s an amazingly funny video, Will Ferrell never ceases to amaze me. 

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1754070