Archive for March, 2007

Last Night was a surprising amount of fun.  For the past month I’ve missed about a million drinking stories because I forget to write about them or legitamately don’t know what happend.  So, for the first time since I first started this website I’m actually going to write about something from last night versus three weeks ago. 

TKM used my word clearly in every sentence last night.  Rather humorous and extremely fun when someone else uses your word.  Anyway, I say that word all the time and it’s so difficult to not use when writing my articles on-line.  Fuck it, for this article I’m going to use clearly as often as I normally would. 

We went to Applebee’s in Eagan a group of us.  One of TKM’s best buds from high school met up with us and brought his girlfriend.  She has been a cheerleader for the MN Vikings for the past four years.  It ws rather humorous, when my dad heard MN cheerleader he was locked in to his standard I’m going to not stop making jokes for the next two hours to impress this girl even though I’m clearly married and have no shot (not to mention the boyfriends sitting there).  He was relentless and it was extremely entertaining.  Well worth the price of drinks, oh yeah didn’t have to pay for any, pops took the tab.  Very Nice (in Borat voice).

AllAmerican decided to bring his dad up to Applebees as well.  My dad and AllAmerican’s dad hit it off so well for the first time meeting each other.  By the end of the night the two of them couldn’t stop talking about how bad they wanted to go golfing together sometime this summer.

Mark Ohnsorg.  Enough Said (couldn’t do it justice if I tried, so I’m not going to, plus this article ends up being intensely long).

TheMilf’s friend from work that hung out with us (a 39 year old mom for the record).  She’s only had sex with three people at that age and she’s that old, not even mad, I’m rather impressed by that.  Anyway, she was real into AllAmerican, but since she doesn’t hook up he got nothing.  She came back to TKM/Milf’s place after the bar to keep partying and then once she got there decided she didn’t want to sleep/hook up, so she requested Milf to drive her home.  Needless to say she was 39 years old and still acted like she was 18 by not making up her mind as to whether she wanted to hook up with AA until it was pretty much about to happen.

3at39 (her new name, kinda like it) claimed she was really good at texting on our way home.  Clearly, she hasn’t met TKM.  So, I come up with the idea of a duel.  Clearly, they’d both type the same sentence I said out loud and then text to me, first person I receive it from wins (might I note this is how she got my number).  The idea was there, my initial delivery not so good.  And what I mean by that is the first sentence I proposed for them to text me was way too long that their drunk asses couldn’t even remember it.  Second one, clear and concise TwinKidMan won in a landslide.

Randomly, I get a text from her this morning and then I just had the following texting conversation with her (remember she’s a mom, it’s kinda weird).

3at39: Mornin Sunshine. r u 2 fun fun boys on way 2 eagan yet? ps im textin faster now that im more sober 7:11 a.m.
-Here’s a question why the hell is she texting so early, oh I forget she probably has kids and wakes up even earlier than this regularly, god do I not want kids right now.  Love Sleep.

Me: Congrats on texting faster sober figuring u got killed last night.  but it was nice meeting u, we’l have to party with u again sometime soon.
-What I was thinking: Trying to be as nice as possible because I’m extremely confused. 

3at39: That wud b fun.  does ur group play volleyball or go 2 basebal games?
-She abbreviates like she’s talking on AIM and 12 years old, extremely funny. 

Me: Definately interested in that stuff. why?
-Really confused by why she’s asking this, couldn’t figure out how to word it exactly.

3at39:  I lov it 2. fun 2 go w a group and hang out. R U working 2day?
-Huh, I’ve never seen someone use just a w, clearly it’s missing the slash

Me: Agreed those kind of events are always fun. got a day off after working like 10 straight, pretty excited about it.

3at39: PS how do u spel ur name?

Me: just like Michael, but however u want to remember it.  Turns out she needs to text slower, she abrreviated spell, come on there’s no such abbreviation that’s clearly just a misspelling (probably not a word, me just trying too hard to make a pun there).

3at39: Good 4 u. U work weekends 2?
-Never responded because I’ve been too busy typing.  Plus, I knew she’d write back again.

3at39: I think I wil remember u most by ur fun danish bday song. lol
-stop abbreviating words that end with double consonants by only using one, don’t know why that’s bothering me but it is.  It’s killing me how she writes like she’s 12.

Me: haha, completely forgot about that, can’t believe I sang that song
-In reality I can completely believe it, my drunk ass loves that danish birthday song and if you know me well enough I know you’ve heard it.

3at39: Drinkin does that 2 a memory. Haha.
-Don’t need to tell the blackout king what drinking can do to a memory.

Fuck it now that I’m caught up on here live, let’s throw a complete curveball at her just for comedies sake.  Don’t want to completely offend her because she seems like a cool lady who I’m sure I’ll meet again out with Milf.  I’m going with…

Me: Do you have kids?
-Subtle, yet in my mind really funny for some reason, clearly I’m just still drunk.
Holy SHIT, this is awesome before I get a response from her (might I add she responded within seconds on every earlier text), I got a random text from TKM.  The timing of his text is unfathomable and his content deals exactly with what I’m talking about.  Damnet right now my inbox is full and I can’t access her response because I’m busy writing on here and not deleting old shit.  TKM: This should contain the content of what TKM said, arghhhh. 

Moment of truth, lets see what she wrote.  No way, another text at exactly the same time again, this is killing me.  I obviously text too much.  My Lil Sis saying: I can’t fucking wait for Hawaii71 schools killing me.  Let’s try this again, moment of truth….NO FUCKING WAY.  TKM wrote another text, before she even got back to me: Don’t write that in your article though.  Damnet, now I gotta go back and delete the context of his text and it was damn good too72.  Third times a charm, come on moment of truth….

Yep, she responded.  3at39: Yep 2 boys my oldest is micah and my youngest is levi 

Not exactly the response I was looking for.  Didn’t exactly want a direct answer, wanted something more to the effect of.  Uhh, yeah I do, why are you asking?

Yes, While I was just typing that, she came back with another text.  Wow, this is a long article I have a feeling, but this is way too much fun to stop to make the article shorter.  This text is much better.  3at39: I finished an awful marriage last year. im enjoying spending time w my 2 kids make sure they adjust ok. when im not w them i am loving just having fun.  See that’s more of a response I was looking for, a mom clearly just wanting to text/talk my ear off. 

Haha yes, mom’s are so funny.  Another text from her before I’ve responded to any of her last couple.  3at39: and u? :) 

Well, she’s setting me up for this, I feel obligated to play this angle, by being a smart ass and repeating what she said with my own spin on the words. Me:  You know the usual at age 22.  Just finished an awful marriage and now just spending time w my 2 kids.  When im not with them i am loving just having fun.  I really wonder where this goes.  Could she be naive enough to think I’m serious and not catch the joke, lets hope not.

3at39: Lol so u relate huh?
-She knows I’m joking from this response, but well played on her part, I really am unsure where to go from here.  So, when I’m left wordless I might as well stop and I am spent from all the typing.  Who knew that typing and texting could be such a workout for your hands.

Side Note 71: Hawaii, where I leave for a week to go on monday, don’t worry the articles are already written for each day.

Side Note 72: See, I told my friends if they request something to ever be left off I will consider it and most often do so.  This is an example of one I can understand why he would want left off.  Something like MiniMiz saying he doesn’t want me to write about him making out with fat chicks, that’s not being left off, that’s your own idiot ass fault.

Based on the title, I’m obviously drunk right now and I feel like it’s funny when a title doesn’t make sense (for the record I’ve been messed up 7 of the last 8 nights).  But really, blankets are so much bigger than towels.  I don’t get it towels have to clean off every inch of your body and yet blankets just barely cover your body. Anyway since my drunk ass can’t write right now, I just stumbled upon a t.v. analysis from a couple weeks ago I guess I forgot to submit, so this will do.

Two a Days….I find myself watching way too many episodes of this show even though it sucks.  Probably because I liked season 1 a lot and hoped this one would come around.  But, here are my problems with it.  In this particular episode Mark bitches about everything and has the temper69 of TwinKidMan back in high school.  Mark just broke his trailor hitch by kicked it, similar to when TwinKidMan punched a whole in his wall after getting broke up with by a girl.  My opinion is Mark’s a fairly ugly guy who careered it with this hot cheerleader and better hold on cause he’s gonna be fat one day real soon (haha similar to TKM, sorry bud).  Mark is the dumbest guy alive and the team just made fun of him because he didn’t know who thomas edison was.  Really, how worthless is this main character Mark and why the fuck doesn’t Ross have a bigger role, the show should revolve around him.  Probably because he can’t even be a vocal leader of his team, so since he can’t talk to people, god knows he’ll get too nervous in front of a camera.  I know how all of my friends dream of going back to high school knowing what they do today.  How different it would be and the game you could actualy spit and the girls you would give the time of day now.  But, imagine going back to school in Ross’s shoes.  If I was him I would probably fuck everyone in the entire school, he’s been on the cover of Sports Illustrated at age 17 for god sake.

Friday Night Lights…This specific episode showed a great angle that I can’t exactly explain, but if you saw the show you know what I’m talking about.  The coach talked to his wife and got her thoughts first as his wife, then asked to speak to her like the guidance counselor and then the friend and then asked if there was any other people in her he could speak to.  Hysterical angle, I just loved it

24: Jack Bauer’s dad barely rolled his eyes after hearing his son died.  Are you serious right now (in TKM voice)?  The thought of Mr. Jack Bauer’s death should be enough to cause someone to take their own life because they can’t handle a world without him around70. 

White Rapper Show….Little exchange in the episode to prove how stupid Jus Rhyme is.  Jus Rhyme said ‘goodbye white house, until next time, when I run for president, and win.’  Then John Brown shoots back, I think you’ll get assasinated before you win.  Jus Rhyme responds with point taken.  How do you say point taken, doesn’t that mean you realize you’re wrong.  Hopefully, one day he’ll also realize rapping just isn’t for him.

I Love New York: Boston, needs to lose that accent, it’s pathetic/hysterical.  Albeit, nonstop entertanment.  She’s obviously keeping him around just because of how ridiculously unattractive and humorous he is.  But, she does keep kissing him, which is funny because she just does that to make the show get decent ratings and becasue she’s a whore and it doesn’t matter she already has A.I.D.S.  Do other people think New York’s hot?  I do.  But, what the fuck, I’ve never seen a bigger push up bra in my life.  Her tits look enormous every episode, but they really aren’t.  Boston, is so fucking uncoordinated that he got knocked out by a 120 pound pussy ass (Chance). Then Chance ran around talking shit, are you kidding me, I would knock him out so quickly.  Tango, in the previews is wearing a hat I own in the next episode.  Haha, I got that one before you and it looks so much better on me.  Tough luck.

Side Note 69: There’s a beer can in the background in a kid’s hand at this campground.  I feel like editing should of caught that as these kids are obviously 17 or 18.  Needless to say, it’s good these athletes decided to start drinking in high school.

Side Note 70: I went to JackBauer’sGirl’s sister’s (3 apostrophe’s in 2 word’s, definately not possible) wedding this summer and I just remembered, the newly married couple bought a dog and named it ‘Bauer.’ Clearly a bad ass name.

We were at a local bar in Eagan on some weekday night when an ex-girlfriend of mine walks in.  She doesn’t really count as an ex because it was one of those middle school date for like two weeks and barely ever talk relationships.  Haha, that reminds me of how we started ‘going out.’  I was sitting at the middle school lunch table when someone brings up the fact that this girl likes me.  Version4.0 is sitting next to me and decided that I should ask her out figuring it was right around Valentines Day, get my gift and break up with her.  Seemed like a great idea back then and it definately worked.  I bought her a stuffed animal dog (haha, a dog, everyone thought I was trying to make a joke because she wasn’t very good looking) and in return she got me sweet seats to a Timberwolves game.  As for the bar, she walks in and is too good to talk to us.  Normally, you see someone you knew in high school, you at least acknowledge them or give a fake fucking hi.  Needless, to say we were extremely bothered figuring she was a stripper for a couple years while I was attending college.  Yeah, way to think you’re better than us, remember you were the stripper, I’m clearly better than you whore.

Two random things happened to me at work this weekend.  One, the work XM radio station kept overplaying that damn song from She’s All That (the one where the girl’s walking down the stairs).  It was killing me, I couldn’t get that damn song out of my head.  Second, a kid who was like 4 years old came in wearing a Dallas Clark jersey.  Naturally, I ask the dad where he’s from in Iowa and he was completely caught off guard by the question and rather impressed.  Don’t deserve all that much credit, any guy at the University of Iowa could probably get that one. 

Eagan’s claim to fame…A girl from my high school, two years younger just won that Grease reality show, “You’re the One I Want.”  Never met her once, but in hindsight I really missed the boat on that one (here’s her profile on the CBS website http://www.nbc.com/Grease/contestants/laura.shtml).  A bunch of us old Eagan guys are still in awe that we could have ever missed this girl and never gave her the time of day for one conversation.  Yeah, we were assholes in high school and chose to not associate with ‘drama’ type kids.  In retrospect that was an awful idea as she’s now engaged and on her way to becoming a star.  So, since I missed the boat on that future celeb, I guess I’ll just have to hold out until NonBloodBro makes his first billion and becomes CEO of the world.

Some random sports article I was reading made an unbelievable point.  I had never looked at backups in sports this way.

Speaking of the NBA, Tony Parker, Eva Longoria’s fiance has released a french rap video.  It’s awful, but I guess it’s good for a laugh http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeL61mge3cQ

Since, everyone’s always requesting stuff to write about.  And bitching when I write about certain topics.  It’s helped me realize why Bill Simmons does his mailbags68.  Obviously, you then talk about the stuff your readers want to read about.  So, I’m gonna try one, I will answer virutally any question/give my analysis on any topic.  I will give it a week of questions and then answer however many depending on how many there are.  Just e-mail me (at micmol25@msn.com) the question as I feel like posting the questions as comments on this article leaves out the element of surprise as to what the future mailbag will cover.  I’ll discuss anything and some favorite topics of mine are liquor, sports and T.V.  Here are all of the T.V. shows I watch, if you have any questions regarding them.  Real World, Real World Challenges, Lost, 24, Nip/Tuck, Dirt, White Rapper Show, Maui Fever, Friday Night Lights, Two a Days, The O.C., Ultimate Fighter, Prison Break and Entourage.  Occasionally I watch That 70’s Show, Next, Wire, Girl Next Door, Lost Paradise, TwentyFour Seven (before it was cancelled), Dawson’s Creek, Soprano’s, Family Guy and Beauty and The Geek.

Side Note 68: His most recent mailbag is hilarious.  http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/070323

And, I know you don’t feel like reading it all, so here’s  my favorite excerpts.

Q: So me and my buddies were making a team in NFL Street and decided to make Jesus Christ our running back. We gave him the beard, long hair and torn clothes. Turns out, he’s amazing! You think the pass is incomplete and all of a sudden, here comes Jesus flying to make a diving catch. Do you think this would work in other sports games? I’m curious as to whether it will work in a basketball game considering Jesus was only like 5-feet tall.
–Colin M, Attleboro, Mass.

SG: (Legitimately terrified to even breathe …) 

Q: How much does Jack Bauer get paid? Would A-Fraud’s contract be enough for him or should President Palmer just go ahead and agree to put his face on the front of $100 bills? After all the s— he has been through I just want to know what he is thinking when he gets his check. How much could Scott Boras get him when his contract is up at CTU?
–Chris D., Altoona, Pa.

SG: Look, you should know by now that Jack Bauer doesn’t need to shower or brush his teeth; he doesn’t need to work out; he doesn’t need to go to the bathroom; he doesn’t need anything more than one room to live; and he doesn’t need money for anything other than an endless supply of tight, long-sleeved T-shirts and lifts for his shoes. As long as he has medical insurance, I think he’s happy. And since he’s a government employee, I’d estimate that he makes $130,000 a year and probably has a stack of three year’s worth of uncashed checks in the glove compartment of his 1998 Dodge Stratus.

Q: Wondering if you could settle an argument between me and my buddies? We were discussing how many sexual partners Jenny had in “Forrest Gump.” Everyone seems to think the over/under should be set at 250. I argued that it’s got to be at least 500. And that’s conservative. Keep in mind she was a hippie, drug addict in the ’60s the time of free love. She was naked on stage playing an acoustic guitar. She was molested by her father. I’m pretty sure she took down that whole Black Panther rally. Am I way off here? I’m not saying she’s a bad person. But if a hot girl has sex with someone like Forrest, chances are she’s got a bad case of the “Ben Stillers” — i.e. she can’t say “no.” Now that I think about it, I’m saying a grand easy.
– Keith, Hermosa Beach, Calif.

SG: All right, let’s figure this out. According to Jenny’s gravestone during the scene when Forrest says goodbye to her and it gets overwhelmingly dusty, she was born in 1945 and died in March of ‘82. We know that she went to an all-girls college in the mid-’60s (probably not a lot of sex at that point), that she got expelled for posing in Playboy, that she did the naked guitarist thing, and that she eventually became a traveling hippie in the late-’60s, leading to the scene where she spots Forrest speaking at the Washington Monument and runs across the water to see him. At this point, she’s dating the guy from Berkeley who Forrest ends up punching in the face; you’d have to guess they’d been dating for a year or two, and the Free Love Era had just started … so she couldn’t have topped 25-30 partners at this point. We also know that she got knocked up by Forrest in the 1977-78 range, cooled things down and became a diner waitress to provide for her son over the next few years — can’t imagine a lot of sex happening for her from 1978 to 1981, and then we know that she moved back in with Forrest and their son Haley Joel Osment, married Forrest and died a few months later.

So Jenny’s sexual prime happened from 1970 to 1978 and culminated in her turning into a coked-up disco queen and nearly jumping off a balcony. Even if she averaged 40-50 partners per year over that stretch — which wouldn’t have been a Chamberlain-esque pace by any standards — there’s no way you’re getting to 500. Also, girls who sleep with hundreds and hundreds of guys inevitably start to look weathered and worn down. As my old Boston buddy Mark Fanning used to say, “You can usually look at a girl and SEE the number of guys she’s slept with.” That’s why women don’t last long in the porn industry; they’re aging in dog years. So since Jenny looked relatively good even when she returned to Forrest’s house in 1978, I’m putting the over/under at 220.5 and making a guess of 205 for her total number of partners.

(The bigger question: The movie implies that Jenny died of AIDS … and yet, she died in March of 1982, nine months after the first recorded case of AIDS in the United States. So how did she get AIDS in the 1980-81 range if she was taking care of Haley Joel Osment and working in some random diner? Could that have been a bigger plot stretch? Or was she still throwing it around even as a single mom? On second thought, maybe we need to bump up that over/under.)

Q: So in other words, you were handed your lunch by your wife making football picks, proceeded to rave about Miami for six days, ignored the Colts because you’re such a pathetic homer, met Tom Brady, which led to damp stains underneath, then got your ass kicked in a go-kart race by another woman and a cheesy Hollywood schmuck. You just earned pole position as the star of the next Vagina Monologues.
–Jon Picou, Paradise

SG: I’ve been waiting to run that e-mail for two months. One of the better mean-spirited slams I’ve ever received. Particularly enjoyed the ending. And you know why e-mails like that never get me down?

Q: I’m an overweight, alcoholic, factory worker from Georgia. I’m 30, my life sucks, and I drive an ‘85 Honda Accord. One of the very few bright spots of my otherwise miserable life is reading your columns. Keep up the good work.
–Brad, Stilson, Ga.

SG: Because I have Brad in Georgia. That’s why.

Q: I have a man-crush on you. There, I said it.
–Joey Tiefenbach, Regina, Saskatchewan

SG: And Joey in Regina. I have him, too.

PussyDabbler’s finest moment on camera.   I swear on my unborn child’s life that this music was coincidentally playing in the background.  If there’s ever been a link to check out this is the one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgJvvCvajD8