Archive for January, 2007

Here’s the rest of the stories from this weekend (only two days worth because I can’t remember them all). 

Saturday night pre-drinking…We decided to buy two pony kegs and have a keg race.  We, played a million games of flippy cup to get rid of the kegs.  I had a pretty incredible wipeout while we were having a flippy cup intermission.  I was just standing there by myself and I shifted my feet so I could be leaning up against the counter and the ground was so slippery my legs gave out and I went straight to the ground.  Everyone started dying laughing, but no one made fun of me because they could tell I was mad enough at myself.  PussyDabbler walked up to me and gave a hug and whispered into my ear I know you’re not drunk, you’re just an idiot.  He made me laugh, great consoling work PDabs.  Got the freshman girls to either play thir first games of flippy cup or their first keg stands.  Fritzagizard did a 40 second keg stand and then immediately puked everything out of his system.  Wife got too drunk and puked herself and PDabs had to babysit the rest of the evening including overseeing there disappearing act from the bar.

Pita Stop…Fritzagizard ate 3 pitas and managed to not pay for a single one.  Which reminds me of how poorly that setup is and how easy it is to rip that place off.  Fritzagizard thought the name of Pita Pit was Pita Stop (haha), everyone thought that was hysterical.  I did no justice to how funny that story was, wow poorly written.

Bodyguards…At Sports Column, Zippies and I played bodyguards to a random old hawkeye friend, who we thought was gonna get beat up.  He was flirting with some random girl in front of the girl’s boyfriend or her fuckbuddy for the night.  So, this guy was pissed off that he was losing his ass for the night and told a group of like four of his friends about our friend.  They looked like they were about to kick his ass, until Zippies and I smoothly moved in alongside our friend and for some reason they then did nothing.  Zippies and I, so not intimidating, don’t know how that happened.

Guetz’s Cuz…said he wished his friends had such great talks like we do, which was in regards to our hours of re-telling stories from the previous night every morning.  When we tell our stories we withold no information and get as sexual and detailed as need be to portray our stories.  For example, so HBomb you and SmellsLikeOats fucked last night right.  How was it? It was great.  Any good stories? Nah.  Did you put it in her pooper?  Large hesistation on both parties sides.  A.k.a. yes and us following up with another fifteen detailed questions to understand the story.

A top 5 after bar experience with Zippies and I fucking with Guetz’s Cuz…How and why he didn’t murder me I’ll never figure out.  We ravaged his face.  I threw about 30 pieces of fruit at his face from across the room.  It’s fucking painful, trust me.  Everytime he got hit, he either groaned or chucked the fruit back.  Unfortunately, he was still sleeping and had no idea where I was in the room, so he kept rifling the fruit about 15 feet in the wrong direction.  After we got bored with inflicting pain, Zippies and I chose to start writing all over him.  We wrote “Gay” on his upper arm and “As Aids” on his face.  It looked beautiful.  Then we wrote all sorts of other drunk stupid stuff on his arms and lastly I decided to color his entire elbow black.  After getting bored with the writing we ground up cheese puffs and put the crums all over his face.  Then we coated the crums with syrup to make them stick.  We laughed like little children and it went on for between 1-2 hours.  He wasn’t even that mad the next morning, but the first thing he did say about it was, “why is my face so fucking sticky?”

Super Tecmo Bowl…Fritzagizard was so blown away with the amount of knowledge Rasmus had with the game.  It is quite baffling for any one who has ever played this game.  You would think you can’t know all that much about a game with two buttons and only about 30 players per team.  Wrong, he has every team’s 8-play playbook memorized.  Not to mention the fact he can name probably 80% of the starters on every team.  When, Fritzagizard asked him how the hell he knew all this?  Rasmus explained that while all you guys progressed into your high tech games, he never stopped playing this game, which has been out for approximately 15 years.  Not only was his knowledge for the game immense, but he also created a t-shirt for me with the elementary graphics from the game displayed on the shirt.  I can only imagine how awesome it looks; I can’t wait until he sends it to me.

Fritz’s hatred for the poor setup at Bobbo’s….He wined about there three 13 inch t.v.’s and barely any open room.  But, more importantly this reminded me of the fact that we never figured out who pissed on the floor and flipped the t.v. in the living room friday night. Someone enlighten me?

This weekend was so ridiculous that it will be told in multiple parts for the next couple days because otherwise the one article would be about 20 pages long. 

Thanks Man…At Sports Column on Saturday night I befriended some random guy.  God knows why I did, but he seemed cool at the time.  He offered to buy me a shot and then we get up to the bar and we stand there talking for like 10 minutes and he never buys shit.  Eventually, I just meander back over to my friends.  I’m busy talking to TheDiesel and KrautyMcKrautFace, when I decide to offer them and this new guy a shot.  Krauty suggests Tequilla and there was no arguing that genius idea.  So, I buy four shots of Tequilla and hand them to each person.  I haven’t picked my shot up yet to take as I’m handing out the shots.  They for some reason decided not to wait for me and then all 3 took the shots.  Well, the new guy was positioned so that he had to rotate his body to take the shots with Diesel and Krauty.  Gayly, while he rotated his body, the coat he was holding knocked my beer and shot to the ground, breaking both and rendering me drinkless.  Surprisingly, none of the three noticed it happen.  And the new guy turns to me, pats me on the back and says thanks man.  I, was so caught off guard by these events I just kind of stared at the ground and him and said nothing.  He walks away and nothing happens.  Later, I see him again and he offers to buy me a shot (he finally fucking did).  In my mind I’m thinking fuck this idea; the first time you hosed me and bought me nothing and the second time I spent 20 bucks and got absolutely nothing.  All that kept running through my head was ‘thanks man’ the rest of the night.

Unbelievable road trip banter about sex…Fritzigard and myself doing most of the talking and Wife (Bochelle’s new nickname) chiming in with great comments from a woman’s perspective.  During the road trip, every time someone puts something correctly into perspective I always said well put.  It’s one of my phrases I overuse and eventually people start to say.  By, the end of the weekend Wife had already started using it.  One of my other phrases I also overused back in college was using the term box for any reference to a vagina.  Wife told me it had rubbed off on her roommate from one weekend of hanging out with me and she has only referred to it as box for the past 3 years.  Pretty proud of myself.

Friday Night pre-drinking…We started at PussyDabblers, HogginBoys and Peanut Butter’s (there new 3rd roommate, decent drinker, nice guy).  Rasmus brought over some random foreign guys.  One, in particular was named Shin and was funny as hell.  English was definately not his native tongue, which is what made him hysterical.  A bunch of freshman girls that we knew came over and drank like champs.  The funny part is I bought them two bottles of booze the first night.  Fritzagizard (who deserves props for drinking like his old self this weekend) and myself were taking shots like water and making many people join in all the time.  But, by the time we had pre-drank for a little over an hour we were already out of liquor, so we had to buy the bottle back from the girls.  Lots of fun had by all before the bar.  But, we split up and Fritz went with the girls to Summit and myself and everyone else went to Field House. 

Field House…Tons of free drinks with pitcher deals is the only thing I remember from the bar.  I was so drunk that it turns out I convinced PussyDabbler to leave with me at like 1:00 so we could go find Fritzgaizard so he didn’t get lost for the night.  But, my drunk ass walks over with PDabbler and Wife and I was informed I just up and left them right when we were walking into the bar.  Can’t say I remember doing it, but I felt like a dick the next day.  I was blacked out to the point that I must have gone to two bars by myself (I’m assuming to meet up with old friends) within the next hour because I had wristbands from bars that I didn’t know I attended on my wrist the next morning.  Turns out, PussyDabbler was pretty pissed at me when I got home and he didn’t even end up finding Fritzagizard at Summit.  CareBear was busy eating some guys face at Summit I was informed and brought the guy home and made out with him some more before making him leave.  Poor guy, I’ve never had that happen to me, but if I went back to a girl’s room, made out with her and then was told to leave, I’m pretty sure I would be crushed.  Fritzagizard and I somehow randomly ran into each other outside Taco Bell and were the two happiest people in Iowa City when we found each other as we were both fairly lost by ourselves freezing our balls off.

Published March 22, 2006. In honor of a road trip this weekend, let’s bring back one of my favorite trips of all time.

Acapulco Spring Break Highlights:

1)      My friend cheats on his girlfriend by getting “dome” from a Mexican stripper

2)      My friend stole sandals from a kid passed out on a pool table

3)      My friend bought a t-shirt while blacked out that says “I danced with the devil”…loser (Version4.0)

4)      My friend took a girl home and went down on her even though we had been making fun of her swamp ass all night

5)      Unfortunately the 5 most commonly used words were “Acapulco Nights” and “Sex, Drugs, House”

6)      I paid $125 to a midget jet ski vendor for flipping my jet ski while re-adjusting my junk

7)      Watching my friend ‘play just the tip’ with a girl in the pool that all of our friends adamantly claimed resembled his sister

      I wanted to blatantly punch someone in the face after hearing Dante Culpepper got traded and hearing my friends going nuts cheering for NW State upsetting Iowa

9)      I wouldn’t give my friend $30 to get a gorgeous girl into the hotel because I was jealous and didn’t want to watch my friend career it (Zippies)

10)  Hearing one of my friends tell a group of iron pumping roid inducing meatheads that he is far smarter than all of them collectively and that they might get the chick today, but I’m the one who will have the trophy wife one day

The Hills…just finished Monday’s episode.  I was so mad at the episode on Monday that I stopped watching it and Tivo’d it to come back to it when I calmed down.  First and foremost the game this Spencer guy has is great.  I need to use that line when a girl I like calls, “oh, what a pleasant little surprise” (money line).  Anyway, for people who don’t watch this show, which is probably many of you, I want you to understand why I was mad.  

-Heidi calls him up and plays the sad disappointed something’s wrong and wants to talk to him card.  He comes and meets her at her work to talk. She gets in his car and Spencer says: whats with the whole serious aura here?  Heidi: I kinda want to talk to you about something.  Spencer: that’s why I’m here. Heidi: well I’ve been feeling really sick and nautious and I’ve never felt like this before (while she’s saying this his face is cringing and his eyes look like they’re about to explode out of his head), I’m just kinda worried.  He pauses to think.  And Heidi says: I just don’t know really how you feel about me, do you like me?. Spencer: I more than like you, way more.  Heidi: well, what do we do? Spencer: whatever you wanna do, I’m not gonna tell you what to do with your body and your life, I’m on team Heidi, it’s a decision you need to make, I’ll go either way with this. Heidi: well, I took a pregnancy test and (long pause) I’m not pregnant. Spencer: I’m a little bit irritated that you just had me thinking you were pregnant. Heidi: oh, boo hoo, I’ve been feeling that way for days. Spencer: that’s your own choice, I would have been at your apartment a phone call away. Heidi: I thought I was. Spencer: so you thought you were pregnant yesterday, you found out you weren’t pregnant, so you were gonna come tell me you were pregnant to see how I would react. 

If this happened to me, I swear to god it would take everything in my power to not fucking hit the girl.  I know I’d never hit a woman, but I would immediately break up with her and never talk to her again.  That is the most evil thing a person could ever do, to make someone think they are about to have a child when they’re about 20 years old.  And, Heidi has the balls to say oh boo hoo after fucking making a guy think he’s about to have a child.  Are you fucking kidding me woman.  So, I called an ex-girlfriend who loves this show to see her reaction and she somehow sided with the girl and said it was reasonable because he’s a sleezeball.  I countered with how bullshit her argument was because she was seeing the show from all angles.  Heidi in reality has no idea how much game and how big of a sleeze he really is.  Thus, there was absolutely no reason for her to pull the most awful card in the history of reality television.

This article’s a recap of my weekend a couple weekends ago.  No, I haven’t stopped drinking I just hadn’t gotten around to detailing the weekends yet. 

Thursday…In pretty poor shape at the bar, my drinks consisted of triple whiskey cokes, basically straight wiskey.  I was trying to catch up quickly after gambling all night.  MiniMiz, TwinKidMan and myself met up with Stroms, Toad and PussyDabbs at a St. Thomas bar after I won $400 playing poker at Canterbury.  One interesting thing happened at this bar that night.  I was just standing there drinking with some buds and this younger girl (obviously underage) comes up to me.  She says are you Kirsten’s brother?  I acknowledge that fact and she tells me to say hi to my sister for her.  Hmm, what was I really thinking?  I was trying to figure out whether or not I would hook up with her if I didn’t have a girlfriend.  This girl had grown up doing gymnastics with my sister.  I had always thought she was a cute girl, but assumed she was my sister’s age.  Fortunately, she was at least college age by now and definately legal.  Unfortunately, she had gained a little college weight and was no longer that hot friend of my little sister that I use to check out at gymnastics meets.  Ultimately, I just talked to her for a couple minutes and did nothing. 

Friday…I went to Canterbury again during the day and ended up losing 100 at cards and winning it all back at blackjack.  I hate coming out even when gambling, I would honestly rather lose a little so I feel like I didn’t waste X amount of hours in my life.  I had a bunch of old high school buds over that night and we went to our standard Allery’s bar.  StoryTeller told his infamous great story that I’m going to try and have him write out so I can submit it on here one day.  WorstKartPlayer and I decided we wanted to try and get a picture of us jumping in the air, but stupid girls could never get the timing right.  I have no idea why I remember that.  I also remember the night ending with EvilFather and StoryTeller eating each other’s faces.

Saturday…Went out with my danish friends as no one else wanted to go out.  My body was in the worst shape it had been since the night I went out sick a couple weeks back.  But, the night was well worth it as I met a real tight friend of the Danish guys who is a scout for the Vikings.  Naturally, as my friend’s call it, a man crush developed and I talked to him all night.  He knows a bunch of former Vikings including the Danish one (Morten Anderson), so we called him and I got to leave a message, it made my night.  I ended up taking a cab home by myself with some Somalian driver who really didn’t like me very much.  Which, is understandable in a normal situation, but cab drivers always love me as I chat them up the whole time, this guy just wasn’t feeling me though.  So, when I get home that night, the cabbie drops me off and I realize I have no cash on me.  I tell him to hold on I’m just gonna run upstairs and grab some cash out of my apartment.  He tells me absolutely not, your just gonna rip me off and not come back, I’ll drive you to an ATM instead.  I explain how much quicker and easier it is for me to just run upstairs.  He disagrees again and then grabs my shirt and gets fucking physical with me.  At this point I considered ripping him off and not returning or jacking him in the fucking face.  I thankfully chose neither of those options and was able to persuade him to let me run upstairs.  Of course for spite I take at least 5 minutes upstairs just so he can sweat it out or maybe even drive off.  Stupidly I took off my coat and karma payed me back for waiting 5 minutes.  I return downstairs and give the cabbie the cash and head back in.  My idiot ass left my keys in my apartment.  I called Fritzagizard and Boobies multiple times to try and get in, but of course they didn’t answer since it was 3 a.m.  But, Boobies strangely texted me back goodnight Michael.  Seriously, that pissed me off even more.  You can take the time to text me, but you can’t answer your phone at 3 a.m., I’m obviously calling for something important.  D informed me the next morning that some people eventually let me in after I was outside a long time and after she said I tried to beat the shit out of the door to no avail.   

The next morning I woke up with the following rapping voicemail from PussyDabbler.  Need I mention he has red hair.
-Michael, you fucking homo, yeah homo, uh uh…just wanted to invite you to a party where bitches want to lick u. uh, uh, uh, uh, you got a small dick, no my name ain’t limp…no no no no, no no no, rachelle is grinding on me, your a little b in the b, i’m gonna stick stick stick, let it rain like some tease… yeah ur a tease, go st. paul, go st. paul, go break the law, i’m gonna steal a bra, uh uh uh gonna break ur jaw, uh uh…I was speechless when I heard that message, that’s just awful but hilarious.