Archive for December, 2006

-just finished watching 3 movies on the flight, I hit up Invincible (great movie, I almost shed man tears every time I see that cause I’m so happy for that guy), The Illusionist (unbelievable flick, gotta see, and I was expecting nothing and probably never would have seen it if I didn’t have better options) and ____ (how can I not remember a movie I just finished less than 6 hours ago.

-why do people still think nap sacks are in, please explain me this

-Amsterdam airport probably is the #1 place in the world where 3,000 different clothing styles are seen on a daily basis, just baffled by how different everyone dresses.

-See it’s like 2 a.m. my time right now and like 9 a.m. there time thus all the workers look way too happy and everybody walking around whose traveling looks like they just finished a marathon

-ooh I remember the third flick, it was Little Miss Sunshine. The premise of the movie is pretty solid and has some quite funny parts, but something was just missing and wasn’t even close to the level of the other two movies.

-what the hell there are probably less than 1% minorities or different races in Denmark and yet everyone waiting for there flight here doesn’t look Danish, we got 3 different Asians, 1 black, 2 Arabs and my bro and I…no prototypical Danish looking person yet

-random thought, I’m quite thirsty and something I’ve picked up on over the years is the fact that drinking fountains don’t exist throughout Europe and especially in airports. Which in my mind is probably why for years people always carried water bottles around when traveling. But, now that the terrorists fucked that up, you can’t carry liquids through the security checkpoints, thus they need to install some drinking fountains already.

-Amsterdam, the city of drugs and hookers, why isn’t there some snatch walking around right now or some substance to keep me awake already, instead I have to resort to typing (as my bro is passed out and I can’t let us miss the flight, although my father routinely misses them)

-There’s the Danish person I’ve been looking for, dressed oh so metro sexual. That reminds me, once I get situated in Denmark, one of the first things I’m doing is getting my new European style haircut. The perm was liked more by me than anyone else, so it’s time to spice it up a little again. I’m not going to bother describing it here because the only word that’s come to mind, is a mild trendy european Mohawk (see but it’s not a Mohawk in the conventional sense). I’ll just wait until I get it and let you make your own analysis.

-Going back to edit this, my final flight that I was waiting for reminded me of many important things I forget to mention about airports. Why do people not fucking cover their mouths when they sneeze or cough. I should have whatever Ms. HackingALung sitting next to me had. Think about it millions of people go through these places on a daily basis and hundreds of people sit in an unbelievable close proximity to one another. It’s a miracle you don’t walk off of every plane with a new sickness.

-Another thought, when I’m on a plane I probably think about how bad I want to join the mile high club every 10 minutes.  By this point in my life with hundreds of airplane flights, fuck what the girl looks like already, let‘s just get this checked off my list of things to do before I die.

-There should be a limit to how many times you can ask the same question on a airplane before your body explodes into thin air. The couple in front of me kept asking oh what time is it dear, how far away do you think we are? Seriously, it doesn’t change that quickly, get your own fucking watch and you don’t need an update every 5 minutes.

-I haven’t had to deal with the talkative fucker sitting next to me recently. But, those are the worst I really don’t care what the hell you do for a job or what your life story is. Why waste the next couple hours of my life learning about you when I will never see or hear from you again. Let me instead read US Weekly and hear the latest on Britney and Lindsay, cause that shit’s important.

In honor of tonight’s Vikings game against the Packers, I feel this article is very fitting.  Tavaris Jackson (TJ) the real deal gets his first start could not be more excited to watch his athletic ass run around the field after suffering through Brad Johnson for the first 14 games.  Unfortunately, I will not be able to see this game since I will be in Denmark.  Thank the lord for TiVo.  If not for this trip, I would be in Lambeau for the first time as I had tickets, urghh.  But, at least there will be some great Danish stories to tell when I get back.  I will post an article whenever I get access to the internet, as I have many prepared.  This article was published on February 3, 2006 in the Daily Iowan.

 1)      Chris Berman & John Madden would pleasure Brett Favre if given the opportunity2)      Last year they went 1-5 against the NFC North…the Hawkeyes would be a lock to do better

Helped implement an open door policy while shitting at his residences at Notre Dame.  Graduated last spring with a finance degree and works in Chicago and lives with Version4.0.  Name stems from the fact that one time during this open door policy accidently wiped a little too much with too little paper.  And by that I mean yelled to me, hey mikey come look I got shit on my finger.  Another story of his I love, is while driving on the highway one time called the number on those trucks that asks how’s my driving? When you do so, you have to give all sorts of information, like what mile marker, what highway, what car, what license plate number and then they ask what’s your complaint?  So, ShitFinger instead of compaining goes off about how good the guys driving was.  He mentioned the driver of said number of vehicle was doing a phemonal job of maintaining steady speed in a difficult driving environment.  He emphasized just how impeccable his lane changing was.  And pointed out that he had perfect timing and forewarning when using his turning signal.  Most importantly deserves props for the fact that he is completely forthcoming with information regarding his small penis, poor endurance and inability to get women off. 

Drinking Ability: Would have been significantly improved if he had drank with me for four years. (5)
Ability to get Ass: Blowjob…notice that the word is singular.  Thus, he has only received one blowjob in his entire life at age 22.  Speechless, you should all be.  (0)
Smartassness: The biggest and possibly the best I know. (10)
Ability to make others laugh: Again, unbelievable (9)
Text Messaging Skills: Solid. (7)
Streetsmarts: Helped get a midget to attempt to give me a lap dance (a.k.a. me sprinting out the bar), huge loss of points of here. (4)
Booksmarts: Smart kid. (8)
VideogameAbilities: Quite poor (3)
FantasySkills: So far, from what I’ve seen leaves a lot to be desired.  Yet 1/1 at making the playoffs with me. (4)
Likely to be a good parent one day?: As long as he doesn’t tramautize his children with all of his insults. (5)
Overall Rating as a Person Based on this Scale: 5.5

A good friend growing up and became even better friends throughout college and french (j’ai joue ou golf avec mon amies MiniMiz et Version4.0).  Name stems from the fact that he got a 4.0 in high school and probably damn close to that in college.  He graduated from Notre Dame with an accounting degree and works for one of the big four in Chicago.  Is far and away the worst boyfriend to girls I know, he’s just dreadful at relationships, which is putting it mildly.  Don’t ask me why I remember this, but he was definately the biggest hack I knew in basketball.  When motivated can drink Tequila with the best of them (a.k.a. me).  Deserves mad props for his ability to disregard the fact that he’s a bajillion dollars in debt and spends money like the biggest idiot I know at the bars.  One time served an anonymous person a shot filled with his urine, due to the fact he pee’s every 5 minutes when he starts drinking. 

Drinking Ability: Without the tail off in performance over the past year would get a solid 9. (8)
Ability to get Ass: Tough category to gage for him, has the potential to be a 10, could get any girl in high school and girls still love this kid.  He could just do better here is the only way to put it. (7)
Smartassness: Pretty solid. (6)
Ability to make others laugh: Pretty Solid (6)
Text Messaging Skills: Has never ever done so in his entire life, doesn’t even have the capabilities to receive them.  But, once he saw this was a category he called his pops to get a texting plan.  I’m sure he’s lying, but it’ll give him some bonus points for that statement nonetheless. (2)
Streetsmarts: Virtually the opposite of his booksmarts. (5)
Booksmarts: Smart fucking kid and has the best work ethic in the biz (Believe you this, even better than HogginBoy’s you Iowa kids, because of the fact he budgets his time even better). (10)
VideogameAbilities: Could use some coaching from me.  (6)
FantasySkills: Before this fantasy football season they were non existent in the past like 7 years, meaning yes they were good at age 15/16. (5)
Likely to be a good parent one day?: Mmmm, tough one to call, he sucks at relationships and really only cares if his kids an athlete. (5)
Overall Rating as a Person Based on this Scale: 6.0, weighted down severely by texting or would potentially have the highest

As for Drunking…Friday evening can only be described as a fucking gonk show.  I remember nothing outside of Tequila.  I did my best Matthew McCaughney emulation last night.  You know that well known story where he ended up naked in the middle of a party chugging a bottle of Tequila.  Basically, I just wanted to compare myself to him.  Because in reality all I was really doing that paralleled that was the chugging of the Tequila bottle (but I got him beat because I was chasing it with a bottle of vodka).  I know already people, everyone at work keeps telling me how drunk i am.  I was told I was barely walking at the bar, I got much more drunk than usual last night, I was completely blacked out like my college days.

Title of article…Hmmm…Very confused, I know I can’t be the first person to come up with this word.  But, how have I never ever heard someone say this.  Seriously, it takes no intelligence (a.k.a. me) to combine the words Drinking and Drunk.  Personally I think this is pure genious on my part and feel as if this could become a mainstream word in the college atmosphere.

Cell phone charger lady…Superbly friendly random lady. She pulled out her Razor phone to show me a picture of a chair she wanted to purchase.  Instanteously my brain tells me to ask if she has a phone charger with her by chance and ignore the furniture question.  Turns out she had one in her car and she charged it for me for the next 15 minutes, so happy with friendly customers today.  Which reminds me, absolutely not on my A schmooze game today at work, pretty much the polar opposite.  I can’t fathom the amount of sentences I’ve butchered today.  These customers must think I’m a complete baffoon (who uses that word, I feel like a fucking mother for using bafoon (one of those has got to be the right spelling)).

Version4.0…He calls me today, a random catch up, I’m assuming.  Nope, I guess our drunk asses spoke a couple times last night, no recollection.   I was still too drunk (not yet to hangover stage) to quite remember the stories .  But at least he had a great one for me.

Stripper Story…I might as well have peed myself I was laughing so hard.  Well if you go back to the Stripper column or if you remember, I got a stripper’s number one day.  Thankfully, I never called her back.  Version4.0 on the other hand decided differently (he had it because I saved it to his phone).  His good friend/roommate ShitFinger was scrolling through V4.0’s phone and got extremely excited to see a random girl named stripper and even more excited to find out she was actually a stripper.  Naturally he calls her while hammered but she didn’t answer.  ShitFinger leaves a message where he just screams STRIPPER (I would use multiple exclamation points here like amateur writers, but I for no apparent reason hate and don’t use exclam points).    Now here’s the kicker, she calls back this morning and leaves a message on Version4.0’s phone saying “don’t ever call again you small penis bastard.” The funny part is ShitFinger actually has an abnormally small penis.  When retelling the story to me Version4.0 goes, I just don’t know how she knew.