Archive for November, 2006

Where to Begin? The last week of my life was pretty much perfect.  All the old high school buds were back in town and the drinking just didn’t stop.

Tuesday…EvilFather and I went out for the night.  Normally this is a terrible idea for anyone to take this girl out alone.  I pity her husband one day.  We start drinking at like 5:30 and then go to the Gophers basketball game versus Iowa State feeling pretty good.  Then of course we sneak some liquor in through EvilFather’s purse and just buy a pop at the game.  Great idea as we managed to maintain a solid drunken state throughout the entire game.  I don’t know what was wrong with EvilFather as she actually stayed relatively quiet through the game, which is quite the fucking accomplishment for her.  Then after the game we meet up with WorstKartPlayer who went to Iowa State and a bunch of his State friends.  One friend in particular hung out with WorstKartPlayer, EvilFather and myself for most of the night.  We’re going to just call him Towly because of a certain interaction that took place.  He’s of indian decent and come’s off as a fairly cocky guy and was just being a smartass drunk.  But, he must of irked Evil Father as she started calling him a fucking Towl Head and saying to him, “why don’t you just go take out another tower.”  Needless to say Towly stopped being a smartass and was caught completely off guard.  After playing darts and shooting the shit for quite some time at Sally’s we decided to move on to the Library.  Library bar always gets me messed up and this night was no different as I had been drinking for 6+ hours when I got there.  The walk took forever and Enormous (only word that makes sense for this guy) and I had to practically carry EvilFather there.  At the bar, WKP and myself headed upstairs and ran into more high school friends.  Anyway, Enormous got stuck with EvilFather downstairs and had to babysit her.  Turns out the type of babysitting he did is considered illegal, but hilarious nonetheless.  I’m upstairs boozin and had no idea where the bathroom was so naturally I start walking downstairs where I know there is a pisser.  Towly gets up in my face and says I don’t think you wanna go down there right now.  I’m like shut the fuck up I gotta piss man.  Then he says, no man I really don’t think you wanna go down there.  By this point I’m frustrated and confused, so I push my way past.  I start heading down the stairs and turn around and just start laughing at him.  When I walked down the stairs Enormous and EvilFather were pretty much eating each other’s faces.  See Towly had thought I was dating EvilFather because we had come from the game together, haha.

Friday night can only be described as out of control.  I realized I blacked out badly and don’t remember most of the night.  Just talked to PussyDabbler and he told me I ran away from the bar for no reason by myself.  He says that I went off on him when I got back to my apartment because I had given him my keys to take KenDiesel home, so I had no way to get in.  I remember just running into a locked door repeatedly until somehow it popped open, trust me, it was a miracle.  I told him that he was a good guy and friend, but that he should have the decency to at least answer 1 out of 8 calls. Basically, I tried to guilt trip him but it didn’t work.  My friend KenDiesel drank as if he had taken the last 2 years of drinking very lightly to rest up for last night’s momentuous evening.  I hadn’t seen him drink so much and be that incoherent since 2 years ago, when he literally ran threw his bedroom door, absolutely crippling the door. KenDiesel defined the word incoherent last night.  He was so drunk before the bar that when we were leaving people told me to take him back and put him to bed.  Anyway, he chatted away when I took him back and refused to go to bed.  I gave in stupidly and took him to the bar.  After like 20 minutes he’s passed out on the table.  Another 20 minutes later he’s sitting upright passed out and drooling all over himself.  Eventually some bartenders tell him he has to leave, which is why PussyDabbler had my keys.  He gets back to the apartment and passes out on the living room chair.  Wakes up and just starts vomiting every meal out of his system from the last week.  By the time it was all said and done the odor was so bad I couldn’t even stand in the room.  Thank the lord women were over to do there job and they cleaned the whole place up and it smelled like roses out there the next morning.     

Work Story…told a customer that they had used up there alotted number of questions today…i don’t know if i’ve ever made someone laugh so hard at one of my jokes, it made me feel great about myself.  Then I was just told by a co-worker that I should go be a car salesman because I schmoozed this one couple.  The regular price on the bookcase was $529, but there was no sale tag on the piece even though it was on sale.  So, the computer showed me that the sale price was $459, but of course they can’t see that.  They were frustrated with some knicks on the piece and wanted a discount.  So, I told them the sale price was $479 and that I would give them 5% off, making it $455.  Good work on my part because I only ended up giving them a $4 discount for the scratch.

-drive 1, nick saban is an idiot, 4 wide would work, don’t run the ball…childress may have just won us the game with that timeout, very happy right now.
-what? vikings 96 yard drive? how did that happen? correct me if i’m wrong, but that’s like our average total yards every game, same boring predictable offense, saban’s just getting outcoached here in the first quarter.
-are those lexus commercials real, seriously technology these days is out of control, a car that can parallel park on it’s own, soon cars are just gonna drive themselves like in 5th Element
-back to back defensive back injuries, the one position we can’t afford them at.
-the announcer just created a nickname for napolean harris without telling us…he called him nap harris, i just wasn’t prepared don’t know how to react on this point.
-wow lee evans has 31 fantasy points for my team right now in the first 8 minutes, two 83 yard td catches ridiculous…we held them to a field goal, amazingly lucky on these fumbles right now.
-you can’t even call that a pass defense, we are just getting killed with our passive zone…wow, 10-7 miami now
-Matt Roth is an animal, watched him for 3 years at iowa, just a beast
-bets are going well and for writing that I probably jinxed them all and will now lose lots of money (oh my god was I dead on with the jinx, i lost in the most miserable fashions also, more on that later)
-people will say that’s a gutsy call, 4th and 1 on your own 30, nope that’s just the right call…need to find the link to an amazing article about how one day a coach will come along that will go for it on all 4th and less than 4, great idea, it’s how i play video games.
-great defensive drive by cedric griffin, that man needs to replace smoot in the starting lineup permanently, that kid’s got a future in this league.
-The MnM play…any viking knows it, we run it 90% of the time when it’s longer than third and 5…a screen or dumpoff to mewalde, where he often ends up not getting the first down by inches, happens every game
-have way too much money in play just made 6 2nd half line bets on the nfl games and had 6 this morning, that’s 12 bets, kinda nervous, but i’m on a roll, gotta play big win your hot, it’s like a blackjack table, you just keep adding more and more money to the bet
-wow, i love MnM, he’s our best and most exciting player, i really don’t understand why he doesn’t get more touches
-funny thing just happened, instead of hitting the player on the back of the head, someone missed and hit the ref and knocked his hat off, hilarious, the ref looked so confused and thought about throwing a flag
-took a quarter off not by choice lousy work and needy customers
-oh god I come back and Chester puts the ball on the ground, my heart just sunk deep into my chest on that fumble, i’m so angry right now, the game is officially over with our offense
-Put MnM in, Chester singlehandedly ended our season with another fumble
-Oooh more Roth talk, wow, it’s sad when an opposing player is the only person you want to hear about
-Finally someone talks about how we always come up a yard short on third down, I thought I was the only one who noticed that
-I think going for it on 4th again here is the right decision, damnet timeout and now punting, bad choice
-Oh god that was a Daunte esque pass, right into the lap of Jason Taylor, season over, let TJ start the rest of the games this year….this in game article is officially over, I’m so angry right now, I can’t focus.

For the first time in years I wasn’t even sure if I would watch last night’s Nip/Tuck episode.  I love the show but the preview’s showed everyone aged by like 15 years and grey haired and it just looked like a lame episode.  All in all the episode wasn’t that bad and definately was worth seeing.  But, there was one exchange about ten minutes into the episode that had my mind running all over the place.  All you need to know is a couple episodes ago Julia cheats on Sean with a midget.  And here’s what was said:

Sean: why him, i understand you cheating on me, did you have to humiliate me to?

Julia: you can forgive me for sleeping with your best friend, but you can’t handle the fact that i made love to a man, that looks different, who’s somehow imperfect. 

It was really an amazing exchange because it was so true.  Seriously, I would rather have a best friend sleep with my girlfriend versus a random midget.  Now here’s my logic, if she fucks my best friend, a person would feel bad for me, but, if she fucks a midget, a person laughs at me50.  In the end though, one great thing did come about from this episode, as Julia is not going to be in the rest of the season.  I feel like she was holding back the family and always making peace, which this show doesn’t need.  I actually knew they were going to write her off about a week ago as I found this link on the internet.  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/showbiz/showbiznews.html?in_article_id=415362&in_page_id=1773&ito=1490

Side Note 50: Are midget’s dick’s normal size?  All other limbs such as arms and legs are smaller, but their heads and hands are generally the same size.  I really don’t feel like googling this and finding out the answer, but it’s definately an intriguing question.

Went to Iowa for the weekend, it was like great old college times. 

Truck Incident…Probably the higlight of the weekend, but I have some remorse because I do have a conscious.  So, PussyDabbler and I go to the biffs to take a piss.  While in line we’re talking shit to each other about each person’s sister.  Low blows and obviously disgusting comments.  Eventually my turn comes up46 and I go into the biff and take my leak.  But, outside I can hear the people in line telling him to fuck with me after the evil comments.  So, PussyDabbler like an obedient dog fucking tackles my biff and almost tips it.  Of course I piss all over the place, but thankfully not on myself.  Then, I hear the people tell him he should leave as the guys gonna come out pissed.  The funny part is I would have came out and not even cared, but because that asshole said something I felt obligated to react.  I leave the biff and level PussyDabbler, his body goes flying into a truck and we made a huge dent, like 2 feet long along the side of the truck.  Exactly where Pussydabbler’s body landed, but for guilt purposes, I’m just going to go with the idea that the huge dent was already there.  It looked like the truck had just gotten into an accident.  A bunch of friends went over later and took a look at it and said it’s probably thousand’s of dollars in damage.  Ooops, I blame the instigator outside the biff.

Didn’t see a play at the game…Not that surprising after I decided to tailgate from 6ish to 10ish involving tons of shotguns, a bottle of rum and coke, and a liter of vodka, obviously I didn’t drink it all but I tried damn hard to.  Anyway, I was literally chugging the vodka bottle while we were leaving the tailgate.  Bad idea as everything in my body found it’s way into the toilet the moment I entered the game, my stomach just couldn’t hold it all down.  My brain was obviously in an inebriated stage and I remember staring out to the field from the bleachers the whole game, but I don’t remember a single play, absolutely none of it.  The only thing I remember from during the game is how MiniMiz’s little sister kept telling me how PussyDabbler was creeping her out.  Of course I can’t forget that because he has a girlfriend and I know in his brain he thinks girls don’t take him seriously because he has a girlfriend, but when you don’t know the girl they have no clue, you’re fucking around, take that into consideration, when you read this.  Wait no don’t, I love it when you’re a creepo47.

Arm during softcore porn…As a group we’re all getting old and there was like 10 of us just sitting around at PussyDabbler’s place and none of us were motivated to go out on Saturday night after an exhausting morning of drinking starting at 6:00 a.m.  So, we’re sitting around being lethargic when someone decides to put on some softcore porn.  Obviously a great choice.  For some reason I thought it would be funny to try and give myself a boner and stand up with a hardon, just don’t ask.  But, I wasn’t allowed to touch myself, which ultimately rendered this idea pointless, so I never got a boner.  Anyway, as we’re watching HogginBoy48 decides to comment on the fact that the dude in the sex scene has small arms.  Everyone, is just flabbergasted that he would even be looking at the guy in the first place when there’s a beatiful naked woman in the picture.  Not to mention the fact that he comments on his arms of all things, seriously I would have been more comfortable if he was talking about the size of the guys hard on.  Needless to say he got lots of shit and it provided entertainment for the night.

Random guy entering apartment…During this same softcore watching excursion, a guy randomly walks into the apartment with eyes glazed over to hell.  He walks in looks around and doesn’t even notice that it’s not his apartment and he doesn’t know anyone.  He starts walking in and PussyDabbler catches him completely off guard by asking him “Who are you?”  Then the guy takes a double take around the room and responds with something like oh I guess I’m in the wrong place and then just leaves.  Really random event.  But, the whole time in my mind I couldn’t stop running through the endless amount of scenarios that could have taken place if PussyDabbler doesn’t say anything.  Seriously, imagine he sits down on the floor and starts watching the porn with us.  He’s so fucked up he could have made an even more ridiculous statement than HogginBoy or he might of just wipped it out and started beating it.  Not to mention the over/under bets I could have made on how long it takes the guy to first speak, first passout, figure out he knows no one, or leave.  God, it could have been glorious.

Troy fighting a six year old…unreal knockout…So, before the softcore porn we entertained ourselves for multiple hours watching the Ultimate Fighter Season 4 Finale.  After one of the matchs I’m still in my kinda loopy stage from drinking all day and I’ve got this little asian friend who can’t weigh more than a 100 pounds.  And I got this random idea that I would pay the payperview fee just to see him ultimate fight a six year old.  The visual in my mind was just killing me, everyone else was loving it also at the time.  Someone told me to include that idea in this column, but I kinda butchered it and it’s one of those things that was only funny based on the mood of the room and by knowing the people.  Anyway, the finals matches from that season were predictable and boring, but one earlier match outdid them all.  Probably, the best live ultimate fighting match I’ve ever seen.  Great amount of exchanges back and forth for the first round and a half and they never took the fight to the ground, just two strikers unloading on each other.  The announcer pulled a John Madden on us and kept telling us something over and over again, which was how good of friends they were.  Interestingly enough after they would unload on each other it happened not once but twice in the match, they would high five and kinda congratulate the other, real weird.  That’s the equivalent of Randy Moss shaking a defensive backs hand after outplaying him to a ball, this would never happen.  Well, actually maybe now that Randy doesn’t give a rats ass anymore49 there’s maybe an outside shot.  So, the match continues and the bigger guy lands a left hook to the mid section that shatters the guys rib cage.  As the guys about to keel over, the big guy comes charging at him to finish the fight, but gets caught with a right jab straight to the face and gets knocked out cold.  This is the NFL equivalent of kicking a game winning field goal with a second left on the clock, just to see the opposition return the kick on the ensuing kickoff to win the game.  Just an amazing match followed by an even more priceless finish.  Even after the guy knocks him out, he falls to the mat and couldn’t move or breathe for 3 minutes he said because his ribs hurt so bad.  On video replay it looks like the ribs were cracked, you could literally see them moving around and he still won the fight, wow. 

Side Note 46: For some reason I can remember this entire situation perfectly and yet the rest of the morning is a complete haze…weird what one remembers

Side Note 47: Speaking of Creepo’s…MiniMiz officially tried to get on a girl this weekend with the girl’s sister and boyfriend in the room.  To his defense, he claims the sister and boyfriend we’re both passed out and couldn’t see them.  But, he also told me how he got shot down, hilarious.

Side Note 48: I just created this nickname and it is very appropriate…as he can be seen at this website…absolutely hilarious photograph, it’s a must see…
Start Laughing Now

Side Note 49: After Randy’s last game he said something to the effect of I see no reason to try hard when I’m playing on this awful of a team. His coach was pissed, but I found it rather hilarious.  P.S. please ask for a trade back to the Vikings this summer.