Currently drinking Tuborg in Danishland and loving it, at my Dadøs factory getting boozed up right now before a little partay tonight.  Went to a hot dog stand today, fucking love them, they would be a hit in America GUARANTEED.  Every foreign exchange student agrees with me also.  Plus they serve pitas and burgers, they are like the wal-mart of fast foods, they sell all fast foods and at good prices compared to everything else over here.  Plus they have an amazing sauce that the U.S. doesnøt22 have and needs immediately.  In the process of figuring out a hotel-hostel23 for Version4.0 and I to stay in, in Paris starting tomorrow for the next 3 days.  So fucking pumped itøs unbelievable.  I better drink enough wine so that my puke is a blacking red tint and also Version4.0 and I will try and hit on girls with our broke ass french it will be amazing.  Canøt wait to write those stories æææøøø€€€ååå—.

Side Note 22: all the buttons are fucked up on the danish computer, itøs hard to get used to them and remember where the apastrophe is, so iøm not changing my shit or learning.  They obviously have that ø letter where it is, also they have extra letters like æ € å.  Keyboards here are just fucking weird. 

Side Note 23: they donøt have a sideways slash so I have to use this one - gay! 

 

 

 

Decided to log my text messages that I’ve saved over the past 2 years.  Last year I didn’t receive any while I was gone in Denmark because it was full, not allowing myself to make that mistake again.  I leave for Denmark and Paris tomorrow, I’m sure it will be amazing.  This section really is more for me and not all that funny, so I completely understand if you don’t want to read the following book.

Text 1: 2-5-05 Hannah: I got your message…and I remember you from the game…thanks for calling me…sorry, I didn’t go out tonight but thanks for calling!  Analysis: Some chick that obviously wanted me at the time, never followed through unfortunately

Text 2: 2-5-05PussyDabbler: U have a small penis. i feel bad for u.  Analysis: PussyDabbler just being funny, that text message made me laugh out loud, it was so random.

Text 3: 2-13-05 T-Mac: Hope u boys had fun last night wish I could have been there.  Mini Miz 4 beers seriously, u always take him down.  Analysis: Mini Miz was a fucking pansy one weekend at Notre Dame and we did a boat race (chugging back and forth).  Version4.0 and all of his boys and me take the beers down like nothing.  4 beers and Mini Miz’s pussy ass runs outside and vomits.

Text 4: 2-14-05 EvilFather: Super Happy Valentines Day.  Analysis: my first and only picture that showed up on my camera so I saved it.

Text 5: 3-9-05 AllSunCurrent: CANCUN smoot? Analysis: AllSunCurrent getting me pumped up for both cancun and the vikes, good work.  By the way Smoot will bounce back this year, I would put money on that.  Cancun, too much fun to put in words.

Text 6: 4-16-05 Knifes Sister: U never cam 2 talj 2 mf: Analysis: I probably didn’t come to talk to you because you weren’t coherent or maybe I did and you and I both don’t remember.  But you remember I didn’t come to talk to you, so maybe you should quit faking being drunk then.

Text 7: 4-22-05 KrautyMcKrautFace : Gay kid. want to kill him.  Analysis: another one that made me laugh out loud, KrautyMcKrautFace at a formal having to put up with a bag of douche.

Text 8: 6-30-05 NBA JAM: I am at a wnba game. these bitches iz ruff.  Analysis: only NBA JAM would actually go to a wnba game.

Text 9: 8-24-05 Heather Jo: Ps you’re hot.  Analysis: a girl that was obsessed with me, would always say that to me, so I felt the need to store it.

Text 10: 9-16-05 JackBauer’sGirl: BergTurd and I just met the hottest milf18 ever you would love her.  Analysis: I love my friends and only JackBauer’sGirl would send me that text message.

Text 11: 9-17-05 Katie IC: Id love 2 but Im at home at a wedding (smiley face).  Analysis: this really hot girl couldn’t come to my party, basically I’m a loser and saved it cause she’s unbelievably good looking.

Text 12: 9-23-05 Heather Jo: little one on one? Analysis: yeah she’s obsessed, but that’s still a tight message to get from a girl.

Text 13: 9-30-05 Heather Jo: Seriously you suck. Analysis: I think she got the point that I didn’t wanna date her.

Text 14: 10-07-05 HoJoke: Teach Purdue the meaning of tucker max drunk19.  Analysis: Quite Obviosly, I was visiting Purdue and at that time HoJoke and I were obsessed with Tucker Max.

Text 15: 10-08-05 JackBauer’sGirl: I love you long time.  Analysis: great saying, great girl

Text 16: 10-13-05 Protege: Vikings party time for some minors. Analysis: I miss my one mexican friend, p.s. the party boat was tight, Mount McKinnie was charged for something like oral sex in public.

Text 17: 10-14-05 HoJoke: I dont approve of my own behavior. Analysis: mad respect to that text.

Text 18: 10-16-05 JackBauer’sGirl: Ddddrrruuuunnnk.  Analysis: sorry JackBauer’sGirl, but if you took the time to type that out without autotext, you weren’t that drunk pussy.

Text 19: 10-29-05: JackBauer’sGirl: Are you alive. Analysis: very appropriate question, maybe the one story I don’t write about ever.

Text 20: 11-06-05: She: Nice meetin u again.  Be careful this week - stay away from the emergency room! Analysis: still don’t wanna talk about it

Text 21: 11-11-05 612-237-7971: Hit the floor.  Analysis: don’t know the number, so I found the message hilarious.

Text 22: 11-12-05 TwinKidMan: Wow ur team blows.  Analysis: TwinKidMan got cocky in the first half and the Hawkeyes came back and won that game bitch.

Text 23: 11-23-05 Mrs.Macy’s: I am drinking a beer from denmark thought u should know. Analysis: any reference to Denmark deserves props.

Text 24: 11-26-05 NBA JAM: My cock has tusks. Analysis: NBA JAM is so random, love that kid.

Text 25: 12-03-05 Elyse: Just out of curiousity why did u stop talking to me just so i know. Analysis: I was a fucking prick to this girl, the fact that she ever spoke to me again, still baffles me.

Text 26: 12-16-05 HogginBoy: I am hammered, you are taking a final. i love you. Analysis: this makes me mad, HogginBoy should never have been drinking when I wasn’t, he studied every day in college, I swear.

Text 27: 12-16-05 MRI: Whos excited for sex tomorrow… Analysis: Probably my favorite text ever.

Text 28: 12-16-05 MRI: Seriously are you ready. Analysis: Wow!

Text 29: 12-19-05 PussyDabbler: Vegas baby Vegas! Analysis: great movie quote and I was very jealous of him.

Text 30: 1-30-06 JackBauer’sGirl: Your ledge is amazing.  Analysis: My first article in the school paper, appreciated the love.

Text 31: 2-1-06: Skit: Nice article in the paper playa. Analysis: I enjoyed all compliments on my stuff.

Text 32: 2-2-06 JackBauer’sGirl: Get in the trunk youll be safe.  Analysis: we watched an ungodly amount of 24 episodes one day and I believe Jack Bauer actually said that.

Text 33: 2-3-06 Heather Jo: Nice article too bad I told you Vikings aren’t in the super bowl.  Analysis: not nice, but we will win it this year, our defense is tough.

Text 34: 2-5-06 HoJoke: Absolutely wretched officiating nothing like the national fixed league.  Analysis: HoJoke would have won a lot of money, too bad.

Text 35: 2-8-06 KenDiesel: I hate alford!!!!!!! Analysis: alford fucked us over in another game, no wonder I only went to 1 b-ball game in 4 years, alford is so gay.

Text 36: 2-12-06 Christina: You do not waste time i guess. i hate u have fun with that skinny bitch maybe she will go home with u.  Analysis: girls can be fucking psycho’s20.

Text 37: 2-14-06 Christina: Thanks you too…sorry about the other day.  Analysis: I’m right she was just being a girl (a.k.a. psycho).

Text 38: 3-3-06 Johnsta: You r gay u nasty cruton my wang is bigger then urs.  So, then I respond by calling him back.  Then he sends this: d bag im in school.  Wow, I got officially owned by my 9th grade brother, sad.

Text 39: 3-23-06 Nanner: Your fucked up…You need help im calling a psychologist…Ps i can’t wait to come down and visit and get trashed.  Analysis: all around great text right there

Text 40: 4-1-06 FucksOnly1’sor10’s: God hates you and hopes you get hit by a train tonight.  Analysis: FucksOnly1’sor10’s and I love being evil to each other, it’s fun.

Text 41: 4-14-06 BergTurd: Three times already - BergTurd. Analysis: haha, i love you BergTurd, good work

Text 42: 4-27-06 Mike Wollan: Great ledge…every girl in the DI (school paper) thinks you a scum bag…i think you are a genius.  Analysis: I wrote an evil article in the paper, some hardcore responses were heard.

Text 43: 4-29-06 Nanner: Zippies = Nigger.  Analysis: haha, nanner mad at Zippies, that was funny

Text 44: 5-4-06
Part 1: Jules: How bout u don’t call anymore before u get fuckedup u faget lil whiteboy!
Part 2: Jules: I know where u hoes live 2 and i put this on everything that ill come over 10 deep in fuck all u boys up.  Analysis: I responded with PLEASE.  Of course his pussy ass wouldn’t show up, I hate Jules’ boyfriend, he got mad at me for calling just because he was around, fucking toolbox period

Text 45: 5-5-06 Zippies: Just fuck her already…pussy - Krazy. Analysis: extremely random and I have no idea what he was talking about.

Text 46: 5-13-06 BergTurd: They look Great! - BergTurd.  Analysis: BergTurd’s response to me at my graduation asking him how the view from the audience was of our big breasted professor.

Text 47: 5-25-06 Alex Majors: good good. but yea me 2! im exited to hang out w/ u. maybe we can hook up this weekend go out or something. Analysis: some shady girl that I was better off never meeting up with.

Text 48: 6-14-06 Jenna: hope u like twins tshirts and mini skirts.  Analysis: first date with this girl, hmm sports shirt and a mini skirt why the hell would I complain about that.

Text 49: 6-15-06 ZWeb: Horse mouse vagina stick.  Analysis: I love PussyDabbler for this statement he made one night, it’s ongoing saying now.

Sorry, if you read this whole article and were unentertained, but I said it was more for me.

Side Note 18: I met a Milf in the elevator today and only said hi, how’s it going when I walked into the elevator.  Then she says your cute, I really like you’re hair.  I’m like, uh thanks.  She says you look like a guy from N Sync.  I’m like I’ve heard that before, unfortunately, normally it’s an asshole friend making fun of me.  She’s like oh I’m sorry I meant it in a good way.  Then we got to my floor, and I was sober so I couldn’t hit on her and just walked off and told her to have a good night.  Moral of the story I return from Europe in 3 weeks and will live here for another 11 months, I bet I see her again when I’m drunk.

Side Note 19: Today I purchased Tucker Max’s book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell for my trip.

Side Note 20: Boobies, my roommate’s girlfriend made a great point tonight while watching Real World.  All girl’s are psychos, so why would he call a girl that’s actually psychotic a psycho.  Wow, I butchered the shit out of that, but the way she said it was unbelievable.

No cuts, wait so I thought, as I look down at my hand I see my finger’s cut up, whatever not a big deal.  I literally sprinted in to work to write this because I was so excited about the things I’d say.  So, I’m completely ignoring my morning tasks at work except for turning on the computer.

License Plate Facebook…I decided this should be created.  I completely want to be able to stalk this gorgeous blonde I saw on the road this morning.  I tried to memorize her plates, if I remember correctly they were FFR 272 10.  If anyone has a way to find out who she is and where she hangs out and if she has a boyfriend and if she likes 21 year old idots, help me out. 

Rap is Gay as A.I.D.S….  I listened to the radio on the way to work and it made me angry11.  Every song used the same catch phrases, that needs to stop immediately.

Amazing Customers…Oh yeah and they were larger and in charger sized people.  I think larger people are generally nicer, they were unbelievably cool people.12  They reminded me of some relatives of mine, some of my favorites just generally awesome people, with an edgy/humorous side (okay I’m rambling).  Whatever, jist of the story is this lady gave me a high five and pretty much played with my ego, by telling me repeatedly how amazing I was.  I explained it’s pops’ business and she pretty much wanted to fuck me in front of her husband.

My brain’s ability when I’m drunk/hungover…nonexistent, god damnet I still wish I would have spit some broke ass game at that lady.

Waking Up…Impossible today, overslept by an hour.  Still managed to get to work on time, because not taking a shower saves so much time.  It’s dirty, but I use glue in my hair so it looks the same the morning after (without getting any ass).  Haha, who am I kidding I don’t get ass13.

Girls/Phone Calls/The Game…I know how to play the fucking game don’t call the girl back the next day or 2 days, but I hate the game.  If I like you let me tell you and deal with my stalkerish characteristics.  It’s fine if you blow me off and tell me you don’t like me.  But the waiting game just kills me. 

My eyes…  Hurt so fucking bad.  I didn’t know alcohol could inflict pain on eyeballs.  They haven’t stopped watering, that’s not normal.  My supposed manager just told me it’s the first time she can tell I’m hungover.  HAHA.  Are you serious, I’m hungover 80% 14 of the time and this is the first time you can tell, stop lieing to my face.  But, actually this was the first time I was driving to work and looked into the rearview mirror and could noticeably see that my eyes would get me a DUI right now.  And after I saw my eyes, I started driving worse, surprising no.  Driving is fucking mental, I realized i was a dilusional drunk and my body decided I should drive like one now.

18 year old girls…ooooooohhhhh, supposedly a bunch are partying at my place on Saturday.  Whatever, they haven’t gone to college and become those girls that say they’ll come and never show up.  So, maybe there’s a chance they actually come.  Speaking of which I’m going to facebook one right now and see if they were serious.  Facebook operation completed.15

Twins, might have a shot, we’ve won 6 of 7, the question was always weather (haha, used the wrong one and don’t feel like changing it) our bats would come around.  We’ve had the pitching staff, just our young bats need to turn the corner and we will have a championship within 3 years.   I was saying this in 1984 when I was born and what do you know we were world champs in 1987, god I was a genius baby.  Alcohol changed all that.16

3rd Page…wow almost didn’t remember this one, that’s a terrible clue, Mchale you asshole.  So, this catalogue in front of me, this guy has brutal designs that even a dumb foreigner wouldn’t buy.  If I could make bets on furniture I would absolutely take the under on him having a new job within 3 years, furniture is not for him trust me.  Side Note in article: too lazy to scroll down, every 3rd page in his article is some sort of liquor storage the man is obviously an alcoholic terrible designer, which I respect a little, but not enough for a man crush, and definately not enough to get my dad to buy his dog shit work.

High Pants…Man, I’m on a tear today, I feel like Bill Simmons about 2 months ago, when he decided to answer questions for like 5 hours and wouldn’t stop.  I refuse to let my topics end until a customer forces me. Oh yeah, I give any of my friends or not friends actually, who’s liver allows them to survive until we’re old, permission to punch me in the face if I ever have my belt hiked up over my navel at any age for that matter (wow, terribly written out sentence, my bad).  Sorry, it was an old lady who made a purchase, who had her pants that high.17

Friend’s Voicemail…So, Kermit left me a message and I adored it.  He basically said we left him at the bar alone.  And he was so blacked out, he sounded SO worried on the phone about how he was getting home, since he had no money on him. He continually referenced the idea of walking back to Eagan from St. Paul, haha, he would still be walking.  It was almost like he was threatening my voicemail, you can’t scare me when I’m passed/blacked out.  Plus, I won’t hear the message until the morning bud.  Oh yeah, and sorry we left you.

I’m building momentum, but running out of shit to talk about, just read my article the beginning shit, started weak, but now I’m flowing and my shit sounds tight.  Wow, when I read that sentence in 5 years, I will believe I had pigment skin color change, to the most unblack color ever, white fag if that’s a color, and that doesn’t even express how bad that sentence was.  Damnet, facebook time, got to make Saturday happen.  Mission accomplished.  We’ll see what transpires (don’t know if that word makes sense there, tried to sound smart).

Advice…A friend gave me advice one time about how to write this stuff.  She said focus on the good/funny stuff and just run with it and be yourself cause then it works.  She’s absolutely correct, but my attention span doesn’t allow me to focus on a topic for more than 2 minutes or how fast my finger’s can type.  The thoughts flow so fast, my finger’s can’t keep up, I try and then they hurt, fucking scars on hand, what did I hit.  I hope the immobile object is scared of me now that I hurt it.  And if it wants more, give me a couple weeks and it will apologize, I’ll have BuiltLikeMachine look at it.

Reread my article again, my number’s are out of order because I jump around a lot and changing them back takes too much time, deal with it Mchale, because no one else reads your broke ass rambling and on that note, I’m gonna do some work, my body will disagree and hopefully I’ll be writing more shortly.

Side Note 10: I want to hit on this 35 year old gorgeous woman so bad right now.  I wasn’t coherent enough to look for a ring when she walked in.  I will look and get back to this article.  Please hit on her Mchale.  She was digging me, I’m sure of this.  But, when she mentioned bringing her child in and I saw the wedding ring, I didn’t have the balls to get shot down. 

Side Note 11: My fart smells so bad, I just had to walk away from the computer.

Side Note 12: Regardless of how much I love larger people, I still wouldn’t get on one, my ego and women standards are still too high. 

Side Note 13: Learned anyways is not a word, so it’s anyway, which actually is a word from now on.

Side Note 14: Probably a little fabrication, I don’t drink as much back home, more like 50%.  80% was my college days, which are sadly behind me, but I’m so excited to go back and visit.

Side Note 15: I’m such an asshole, a customer called a while back and I was supposed to check into something for her and I didn’t.  This was 3 weeks ago, so she calls and was like so what’s the status and why haven’t I heard from you.  Anyway, played it off and I hope she’s into phone sex, cause I’m calling her back and trying.  No, I’m not, I lied.

Side Note 16: Finally made it to facebook.  BuiltLikeMachine’s message made me laugh out loud, here it is: “Mikey, Unfortunately I will not be able to be graced with your presence this weekend. I have other engagements. Side note: Though fairly immobile and decently heavy, hot tubs are unbelievably elusive.”  That hot tub part killed me. It makes sense to me, because we searched for a hot tub for 2-3 hours blacked out one night and couldn’t find it.  And only BuiltLikeMachine could call a hot tub decently heavy.  That’s why that dumb fucker apologized to me, can’t talk shit to me, with my wing man around.  He can kill people PERIOD

Side Note 17:  Her I.D. from 30 years ago, made me almost sport a boner.  I would have absolutely treated her kindly to try to get ass from her about 30 years ago.  I’m a terrible person (and yeah I think I’m funnier than Tucker Max while I’m in hungover from blackout mode).