Archive for May, 2006

Dill Pickle Seeds…Just fucking terrible, make you want to vomit in your mouth, don’t try them.  As a seed conisseur (no chance I spelled that right) I know what’s good and bad…I would rather drink blood, but that’s a whole new topic, since I like the taste of blood.

Tequila Bombs…had many last weekend and am just dreaming about having some tonight.  As you can see after only casually drinking for the past 4-5 days, I must blackout tonight.

World Cup/ France…When I was on my death bed in the hospital in Denmark last summer I got to watch the Danish national team play a few games.  They have this young star on their squad, who was playing his first games with the national squad.  He was unbelievable and kept me hoping all summer that he could do the unthinkable and help us win like 8 straight games to qualify for the world cup.  Unfortunately, the team had put us in way too big of a hole before he came aboard (wow, I’m rambling, that wasn’t even what this was supposed to be about).

Powerade Helps Hangovers…Already thinking about the damage I’m going to inflict on my body tonight.  Plus, last weekend I tried Powerade for the first time in the morning, that shit works wonders.  Highly Recommend it when you have a long day of work ahead.

Just downright creeped out is how I feel right now.  I was reading old Bill Simmon’s articles on ESPN and his article was a review of Varsity Blues and how he loved it, which is tight in it’s own right, a man in his 30’s or 40’s loving Varsity Blues.  Anyways throughout the whole article he referred to James Van Deer Beek as Dawson, appropriately so, since he hasn’t had and probably will never have another role in a movie or T.V. show.  Well, here’s the creepy part, I’m at work and the music throughout the store always plays old crappy jazz type music, which I’ve become exceptional at blocking out.  Then this crappy jazz station just played the theme song to Dawson’s Creek while I was reading the article.  A little eerie, but that’s just me.

I have nothing funny or cool to write about.  So, I’m going to just quote Bill Simmons repeatedly because he makes me laugh.

First Questions…then his quotes

1 - Q: In college, my friends and I (all straight males) had an ongoing conversation about which NBA player we’d have sex with if held at gunpoint (I guess we got sick of talking about the girls at school). I always went with Steve Smith. Our friend Adam, in one of the most bizarre and disturbing acts of imagination I’ve ever witnessed, chose Larry Johnson. I still shudder at that one. Are you man enough to give us your pick? Or at the very least, your criteria for making such a decision, purely hypothetically, of course.
– Butterfront, Brooklyn, N.Y.

SG: What school did you attend, the University of Riker’s Island? For comedy’s sake, I was going to pick Steve Nash because he’s so unselfish, but forget that — I vote for the bullet in the head. More importantly, where did Butterfront go to college? I always thought my buddy Bish went to college with the ugliest girls — let’s just say it was a NESCAC school — where the guys actually got drunk BEFORE they went out so they could have the beer goggles going before they even started talking to anyone. But Butterfront’s college has to take the crown, right? Can you imagine being so bored with the girls in your college, you felt the need to start a “which NBA player would you have sex with at gunpoint” conversation one night? Shouldn’t we only be having that conversation about WNBA players?

2 - Q: How many sticks of Chapstick did you go through during that marathon with Kobe? Your “Kobe for MVP” column made me sick. I hope you get herpes. By the way, I’m a big fan.
– Roscoe, Dover, Del.

SG: That was the runaway winner for the “Backhanded Compliment of the Month” award.

3 - Q: You may have just given life to the best marital aid since the vibrator. The US Weekly fantasy league is genius, pure genius!
– Dave, Phoenix, Ariz.

SG: Afraid to say anything …

4 - While Talking about Sam Cassell as the first player coach.

“shouldn’t the first player-coach in nearly three decades be someone who celebrates big shots by hopping around and holding an imaginary pair of giant testicles? You can’t do that while holding a clipboard. At least let’s hope not.”

5 - “I know Dallas came back, but Mark Cuban’s “Good God, We’re Going to Lose to the Spurs Again” Face after the Ginobili 3 was one for the ages. He’s the best. The thought of Stern grimly handing a sobbing Cuban the Lawrence O’Brien trophy next month makes me feel all fuzzy inside.”

6 - “Speaking of President Logan, what was the most shocking revelation this season — that he knew about President Palmer’s death, or that he had a problem with premature ejaculation?”

7 - “My final take on “24,” Season 5: Ridiculous, far-fetched, improbable, over-the-top and somewhat ludicrous. Absolutely the worst of the five seasons. And with that said, I enjoyed every minute and can’t wait for Season 6. Especially since Jack Bauer will finally be taller than everyone he’s fighting.”

8 - “A.J. Pierzynski getting inexplicably punched in the face was my favorite TiVo moment since the Artest Melee. They should run it on a continuous loop on ESPN Classic.”

Final Episode of 24 Last Night…First half hour tight as shit. Submarine sequence bad ass.  Next hour solid, but I wish Jack Bauer would have killed the President, that would have been amazing.  Final 5 minutes made me livid for 4 reasons.  1stly, Never have they ended a season giving you any idea what the next season is about.  2ndly, Jack Bauer would have taken all 4 of those people on easy.  3rdly,they never said anything about what happened to the group of people that backed the President and the ones Henderson was scared of.  4thly (haha great words), Bill Simmons made an amazing point in an article about this; why didn’t Jack Bauer use a cell phone message system to record the president multiple times confessing or even to get a copy of the initial device that was cleared.  Seriously, the show is amazing but those 4 things should not have been done that sloppy.

Pumped Dallas one, Proud of Lebron for taking it to 7 but disappointed he’s out, Love Phoenix and their 8 3-Point Shooters…Watched the Dallas game with Mini Miz, but the entire time Dallas was up 15 Mini Miz and I kept saying San Antonio would still win this game.  Every call was going S.A.’s way, which was fucking bull shit.  Ginobilli travels everytime he has the ball.  Parker wasn’t shooting for no reason.  Tim Duncan was not getting touched and they were calling fouls everytime down.  Dallas stood no chance so we thought.  Eventually they tied the game and had a shot to win at the buzzer; Mini Miz and I are pissed as shit cause we assume it’s over.  Duncan misses we go nuts, now we think Dallas has a chance again.  In OT, DeSagana Diop dominates Duncan, how this is possible leaves me speachless.  I hate S.A. and love the fact those assholes lost game 7 at home.

Barbaro…the only way that horse was gonna lose was a freak injury, cost me $100, big fucking deal.

I realize not much fun happens in my life when I live at home and don’t have as many friends that love to black out.  I liked my last article so we’re going to set up a new story time from the past week, of my high/lowlights.

Jack Bauer on computer…I’m officially convinced Jack Bauer is real and runs the world.  I’m learning this new computer system for my Dad’s store where I work.  In this tutorial thing, they had fake customers and no joke, swear to god, first name on the list was JACK BAUER.  I was in awe I called my friends that would appreciate the story to tell them.  How is that possible, honestly.  So, I tried to hack into the account to see, his information, but since it was a tutorial, I couldn’t.  But in a later screen it told me his emplyee password was 4039, I know how to get into CTU now, i’m excited.  Don’t know why, but I’ll never forget the password.

Amazing Story, BestStoryTeller…can’t tell this one, I’m going to use it, people will laugh a lot.  Thank you for giving it to me BestStoryTeller.

Addictions…I realize I get addicted to things way too easily.  So, for some reason, once I summarized all those stories today, I wanted to just keep writing.  So, while helping a customer today, I kept thinking about what stories to tell and completely zoned out this customer I was helping.  She told this long story, which ended with a question I guess, because she then said, well…  So, I felt like an asshole because I was thinking about an addiction and wasn’t helping this lady.  I’m ending this story, it’s so bad…This could be the worst mini-story ever, I must redeem myself with some ridiculous story next. 

Ridiculous Story Time… NonBloodBro just called me up and told me this story.  So, he had been working on this prude freshman all year and couldn’t break her.  So, he finally gave up and then went on the best streak of ass by any one of my friends within a 2 week period ever.  Anyways, he has this girl he’s pretty much dating, but he kinda disregarded her for one night because the freshman told him that she would finally hook up with him.  He starts off by making out with the freshman in front of his quasi girlfriend at the bar, whatever, she already got over it and is getting on him again now.  But, that night, my bud’s last night as a student in college, he obviously had to black out.  He goes back to her place, no idea what he’s doing, and no recollection of the evening.  The only thing he knew the next morning when he woke up at 4 a.m. was that he was covered in puke and the girl was no where to be found (haha, he woke up in a random dorm room, that’s just dirty).  Turns out he had left his watch there and she returned it to his house later that day.  His roommate asks what happened and she said that they were messing around and my boy puked all over her while doing stuff.  She was so outraged she ran out of the room screaming.  Personally I’m proud of my boy, that’s definately one of my favorite stories of his.  Mad props.

School’s Out Forever, the song by Alice Cooper finally applies to me.  I haven’t been this excited to drink since I had Mono and was hospitalized and didn’t drink for 6 FUCKING weeks.  Anyways I’m starting at around 3:00 this afternoon, I’m kind of scared for my own life4.  Test went not so well, but I have a feeling everyone did bad, huge curve for me.  Mission: Live…Means: Blacking Out

Side Note 4: God, I’m writing you this prayer to help me survive my last balls to the walls boozing experience while attending the University of Iowa.  P.S. Allow me to wake up for 9:00 graduation ceremony, my family might disown me if I don’t show up because I’m too drunk to wake up.