Archive for the 'Randomness' Category

The other day I installed AIM on my computer in order to conduct a fantasy football draft chat for the first time since my early years in college.  Now my computer boots it up every time I turn it on.  So, this past Sunday after a night drinking at a German bar and while placing all of my NFL bets I struck up a conversation with my freshman year college roommate, NBA JAM.

liquidlovejesus (11:50:19 AM): are you coming down for the wisconsin game?

micmol25 (11:50:54 AM): yes

micmol25 (11:51:10 AM): remember when u and ur family walked in on me beating off?

liquidlovejesus (11:51:13 AM): yes

liquidlovejesus (11:51:15 AM): that was really funny

liquidlovejesus (11:51:20 AM): my aunt and uncle are divorced now

micmol25 (11:51:26 AM): haha

micmol25 (11:51:28 AM): faggots

liquidlovejesus (11:51:54 AM): hahahahhhaah A+ michael moller

micmol25 (11:52:03 AM): are u taking offense to something for the first time in ur life there

liquidlovejesus (11:52:13 AM): hahahahahaa no

liquidlovejesus (11:52:19 AM): you’d have to try a lot harder than that

micmol25 (11:52:24 AM): i’m still drunk

liquidlovejesus (11:52:33 AM): good work

liquidlovejesus (11:52:37 AM): when did you go to bed last night?

micmol25 (11:52:48 AM): late

micmol25 (11:53:04 AM): 8 p.m.

liquidlovejesus (11:53:07 AM): do your farts smell really, really bad

micmol25 (11:54:08 AM): yes…fuck aim is difficult these days, how do u multi task conversations

micmol25 (11:54:17 AM): click on the tab, fucking lame

liquidlovejesus (11:54:40 AM): i have no idea

liquidlovejesus (11:54:51 AM): i never updated from the old one simply so I wouldn’t have to deal with that shit

micmol25 (11:55:03 AM): more importantly, why do u still come on this shit

micmol25 (11:55:32 AM): ur name is liquidlovejesus and you have a charlie brown icon…how r u not a child molestor

liquidlovejesus (11:56:05 AM): it’s actually elroy from the jetsons

liquidlovejesus (11:56:26 AM): and the answer to your question is I don’t know how to set it so AIM doesn’t automatically come on every time i boot up my comp

micmol25 (11:56:28 AM): that doesnt change anything about the last part of my statement

liquidlovejesus (11:56:35 AM): see i just answered it

liquidlovejesus (11:56:36 AM): right there

liquidlovejesus (11:56:36 AM): dick

liquidlovejesus (11:56:44 AM): what day is the wisconsin game?

micmol25 (11:57:06 AM): stop trying to get me to answer that question

micmol25 (11:57:16 AM): it’s called yahoo sports dot com

micmol25 (11:57:22 AM): they have this thing known as a schedule

liquidlovejesus (11:58:18 AM): you’re a schedule

liquidlovejesus (11:58:18 AM): fag

liquidlovejesus (11:58:28 AM): whoa wtf happened to my font?

liquidlovejesus (11:58:59 AM): i see i will be in town that day

micmol25 (11:59:00 AM): seriously switching fonts is child molestor shit…that doesn’t arouse me

liquidlovejesus (11:59:14 AM): how do you know i’m not some plant from “to catch a predator”?

micmol25 (11:59:30 AM): u don’t make sense, that’s what i’m saying elroy

liquidlovejesus (12:01:55 PM): i’m 13 and naked

micmol25 (12:02:36 PM): i’m 24, horny and looking for a blowjob…get over here a.s.ap., bring cbs and their camera crew, i want proof

micmol25 (12:03:11 PM): while u r at it, pick up some gobstoppers and gushers

liquidlovejesus (12:03:57 PM): sure

liquidlovejesus (12:04:03 PM): michael i would love to watch you on to catch a predator

micmol25 (12:04:36 PM): i expected more out of ur response, i’m putting out above average material and u give me a sure

liquidlovejesus (12:05:12 PM): ok

liquidlovejesus (12:05:12 PM): “yes”

liquidlovejesus (12:05:12 PM): is that better?

liquidlovejesus (12:05:12 PM): it’s more affirmative

liquidlovejesus (12:05:12 PM): i’ll still blow you, for what it’s worth

micmol25 (12:05:21 PM): that’

micmol25 (12:05:55 PM): scratch that sentence, what i meant to say is i liked the affirmative usage

micmol25 (12:07:50 PM): i have someone i want u to meet

liquidlovejesus (12:08:04 PM): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21OH0wlkfbc

micmol25 (12:08:59 PM): well if we r using links…here is the answer to ur question

liquidlovejesus (12:09:39 PM): whois this person?

micmol25 (12:09:48 PM): http://sports.yahoo.com/ncaaf/teams/iig/schedule;_ylt=ApyZKQmZfMm0qyTLOCnfyXWA1LYF

liquidlovejesus (12:10:04 PM): i already saw that

liquidlovejesus (12:10:06 PM): i have google

liquidlovejesus (12:10:07 PM): dick

micmol25 (12:10:30 PM): u had google before u started asking questions

micmol25 (12:10:46 PM): p.s. ur ancestors drank their own piss in auschwitz

liquidlovejesus (12:14:08 PM): do you know kap14320?

liquidlovejesus (12:14:15 PM): i just clogged my toilet

Gilbert strikes again, and in the same article for that matter.  The following is the first article I’ve read dealing with politics since I was forced to in high school.  I hate politics.  I hate hearing people talk (argue) about politics.  But, for once it was broken down by someone I respect and he actually pulled me in.  Quite impressive I must say.  I repeat I HATE POLITICS.

The Election
I’m not into politics, but I see what’s going on in the presidential race and I’m seeing rappers make songs for Obama and Mr. McCain doing all his stuff and I’m thinking, this is getting out of control, people. Whatever happened to Democrats and Republicans? You vote for who’s who.

It’s hard for me to vote, because since I’ve been in the NBA I’ve been in the upper class so I’ve been a Republican. If you have any type of money, you’re a Republican, period. So, it’s hard because you see a better looking president in Obama – I don’t even want to say because he’s black, but he just looks the part – and then you have McCain who is Republican and I’m like, man. I know Obama is going to raise taxes on the upper class from 20-60 percent, that’s what I’m looking at. To be honest, I stopped paying attention a long time ago when it was Bush and Gore when Gore won the popular vote, but Bush was the president.

Basically, what that told me was that everybody in America voted for Gore, but somehow, Bush became president. I am confused. Obviously, our vote doesn’t really mean anything. Then you have this thing called the delegate, then you got the super delegate and then you got the hidden delegate that nobody knows about. If you’ve never heard of the hidden delegate, that’s like when you’re buying a car and they say the taxes on the car are 20 percent, and then when you look at your statement, they charge you an extra three, that’s the same thing. It’s the hidden fee delegate that nobody knows about who has all this power. They actually get to pick who they want for president. So when I start looking at it like that, that’s when I stop paying attention because at the end of the day, our votes really don’t matter. I don’t mean to be rude about it, but it seems like it doesn’t matter. If Gore wins by thousands of votes and Bush is president eight years later … come on.

There’s another reason I don’t vote – I don’t want jury duty. If you’re not registered to vote, you can’t get jury duty. I know that campaign Diddy had a couple years ago, “Vote or Die,” yeah if the alternative is jury duty, I’m going to die. I’m not going to get in one of these cases where they blow the jury members’ houses up to get out of the trial, I’m cool. I’ve seen too many movies.

For whatever president that wins, what can I tell you? Do a good job. Change the world. I remember when we were voting for class president in high school, the guy who won was the guy who said he’s going to put the vending machines in the school cafeteria. That’s who I voted for. So until I hear vending machines or lower gas prices, I’m not voting. As soon as I hear, “Yeah, I’m going to lower gas prices,” then you got me, I’ll sit in jury duty.

I do not vote and I did not know that I wouldn’t be called for jury duty because of this.  I couldn’t be happier with my decision now knowing this.

Sometimes the most unexpected things happen when you are working. On Sunday I worked at our downtown Minneapolis store (the only location where something like this could happen) from noon to 6. A lady came in around 2:15 in hysterics. She ran from the entrance door to the front desk where I was sitting. Then she started speaking 3000 miles per hour and I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. Here’s our conversation to the best of my memory:

LadyInHysterics: “fklbahg hbakhkgh abhaklbhgh bhabklhbahfgkh djfiweoupt vhgeytoiwv yhtoahv tyobvhahhty chaotyeo”

Me: “Ma’am, I want to help you, but I can’t understand what you are saying.”

LadyInHysterics: “giawoyptuyio vyauipwuyrio yavuiopyetioyta hvyaxoitpyt vayoptiyaop sytpiosytotyasop caioyptptat y”

Me: “Please, just tell me what I can do for you.”

LadyInHysterics: “aklfuyetpyatasjkl yapiowytiopue ayeioetuy aioptyvhkl;jtk tyuiopycato;j yvapytkljtk lkjds”

Awkward silence as she calms down.

LadyInHysterics: “I’m lost103. I came from blah blah blah blah (as she literally recites every street she just took). Until I spaced off on one road and then ended up on a highway and then got off the highway and ended up here.”

Me: “It’s okay. Do you have the address of the place where you are trying to get so I can get you directions on-line?”

LadyInHysterics: “No.”

And then she starts crying.

Me: Trying to stop her from crying I ask if she has a phone number to the place, so we can get the address or directions.

LadyInHysterics: “No.” As she continues to ball her eyes out.

Me: Sitting there silent confused as to what the fuck is going on for what felt like an eternity.

LadyInHysterics: After finally calming down asks me, “do you have a phone book?”

Me: “Yes, let me get it.” I bring it back to her.

LadyInHysterics: “Is that all you have? You don’t have the white pages!!!” She screams in a very angry tone.

Me: “Um, no, this is all we got, but whoever it is I’m sure I can find them online for you.”

LadyInHysterics: “No, you can’t! Can I use your phone and dial 411, I’ll pay you for it.”

Me: “Sure.”

LadyInHysterics: Slowly pulls two crumpled singles out of her disheveled wallet and places them on the counter while dialing 411 on the phone.

Me: I decide at this point, I have to write an article on this lady, so let’s take a picture of her. Act like I’m texting, grab the right angle and boom I’ve got the visual evidence.

LadyInHysterics: Calls the place and asks if she is now too late to make her appointment104. They tell her no, so she gets the address.

Me: I check it up on mapquest, print her off directions and she is on her way. She leaves a note behind which shows her notes to herself to get to this place.

H to 3^rd? What the hell does that mean? And where is final destination address?

And without further ado her is the picture of the lady:

Notes on Picture:

-The sheet in front of me would be a detailed breakdown of all of my golf bets from the British Open and U.S. Bank Championships.

-I’m so glad that her v-neck didn’t come down any farther because she did have big tits and I would have kept trying to sneak a peak and would have been even more confused with how to handle the situation.

-Ethernet cord leading to where I am illegally downloading music.

-Gatorade bottle filled with Vitamin C to help me fight off this cold due to all the birthday week partying.

-The phone book she acted like a bitch about.

Side Note 105: I could think of 100 worse ways to describe you right now.

Side Note 106: Appointment? Really? Is there any chance she isn’t going to see a psychiatrist?

P.S. The pictures aren’t working right now, I’ll try to have them up at some point today.

I’ve been out of town for the past two weeks in Seattle and Wisconsin.  You’d think that would have provided ample time to write something since I wasn’t doing any work.  Nope, it’s the opposite, I had tons of time to produce some new material though as I was honestly drunk something like 10 out of 12 days.  I got a story about Puma’s (the younger version of Cougars) and one from MiniMiz’s cabin that are both quite solid.

But, before I get to those stories I wanted to add one follow up to TheChamp article.  I’m 100% convinced that the reason I had such a phenomenal day at work was because that morning began with a blowy.  How I failed to mention that during the article is baffling to me.  I continually thought about it during the day when I was working with TheChamp’sSister.  I’d been pushing for a blowy in the morning before work for a little time now and then that just happened to be the same day?  Coincidence, I think not.  The reason I had wanted one so bad was because I had watched an episode of the Real Housewives of Orange County where I learned that one of the female cast members told her friends that she blows her husband every day before work because he had brainwashed this bimbo blonde into believing that he wouldn’t have a good day at work without one.  So, the bimbo does it every fucking day.  So jealous of that guy.  But hell, I’m a firm believer in his school of thought now.  I had the best day of work of my life all because of that blowy before work.