Archive for the 'Guest Writer' Category

I asked EvilFather how life in Boston was going at her new music school.  And after hearing her first two sentences about how awesome it was and making a parallel to me and Spencer Pratt, I knew this needed to be an article.   So, the following is a guest article by EvilFather. 

What’s your favorite thing to do?  Watch reality tv shows and blog about it?  It’d be like if you got to go to school for watching reality tv shows and blogging about it.  Like Monday Spencer Pratt comes in and talks to you about what makes good content for reality tv.  About how to not just act the asshole, but “be” the asshole.  In fact, She Pratt is one of your teachers. 

-Everybody drinks rockstar energy drinks and swears a lot.
-Half the other people there are just like you, 20 somethings whose parents are well off enough such that they can go to college yet again, only this time study something interesting.  And they’re REALLY into it.  It would be like you walking into the cafeteria at lunch, and being surrounded with people who are seriously enthusiastic, concerned, even about who will bang who and what kind of deplorable task a midget will undertake on next week’s episode of Nip/Tuck.

Your teachers swear a lot, but its funny, not forced.  Also, they are lazy like you, so they aren’t really into checking (or for that matter, assigning) homework.  When you get homework, it’s something like “Go to the club on Saturday night and observe how all the guys with new haircuts are acting”, or something you would do anyway, like go home and read Perez Hilton’s website.

Literally, my homework this week was to go watch Babyface perform on campus, and then listen to him give industry advice afterwards.

Everyone there is talented, so you’re surrounded by people who actually know what they’re doing.  Everyone had to audition, and then be able to pay their way.  So, you can’t just have your mommy and daddy buy your way in, yet at the same time there are an unreal amount of scholarship students, assuring that no real talent goes unadmitted.  In other words, there are no idiots who aren’t funny, and are merely trying to postpone facing that fact.

When you get together on a Monday night to get shitty and watch the hills, everyone has their laptop out, and is totally on board with the pausing-of-the-show-every-five-seconds-to-make-comments. (Complete bash on watching the Hills with admin) 

Your choices of majors include:

-Professional Blogging
-Optional concentration in sports or entertainment.
-Achieving Celebrity Status
-Production & Engineering
-Paparazzism

Your classes this semester (all but 3 of which only meet once a week for an hour) include the following:

-Advanced TiVo skills
-Drinking for Bloggers
-How to be funny
-Entertainment Business 101
-Attracting traffic to your web site
-Yoga for Journalists

Anyways, you get the jist of it. I’ve got real work to do now (and by work I mean I need to go sing some Beyoncé songs and play my guitar)… so I’m gonna stop.  I’m sure you get the idea.  The school pretty much kicks ass.  No hot guys, but when they’re standing on the street 8 floors below my window serenading me in true musician form, they sound damn sexy, and I can’t see their faces anyway, so it’s all good.

A little guest writer appearance since I’m not back from the Vikes game in Green Bay yet to even write an article.  The following funny story is a dream that Boobins’ had. 

you, HogginBoy, PussyDabbler, Wife, and HogginBoy’s girlfriend were all staying at PussyDabbler’s house for a weekend or something. it wasnt his real house, but a bigger crazy one with staircases everywhere. we were all maybe a couple years older, and somehow he could already afford this crazy mansion.

basically, we were all outside having a bonfire and grilling out (in the middle of the day). all of the sudden it got pretty dark, and looked like it might rain. i had seen on the weather channel that it was going to be a day for storms, so thats what i was looking for in the first place. none of you would believe me when i told you that we were supposed to stay inside. all of the sudden, across the lake, i saw a HUGE tornado coming our way fast. i yelled for everyone to look and said we need to get to the basement! you were like “oh hell no we gotta see this!” so you didnt let me go inside, but you let everyone else. they all thought it was the end of the world, so they all started having sex because they said they had to reproduce before the end of the world. i have no idea how they thought the babies would live if they didnt, but it seemed logical at the time. so you and me stayed outside and had to hang onto this pole in the middle of the ground (like on Twister at the end) and we got caught in the middle of the F5. we saw a bunch of marbles and cars twirling around in the tornado, and i could hear you yelling “FUCK yea baby FUCK yea”.

after it was over, we decided that that was pretty sweet, so we better celebrate by making babies. as we are walking inside, we see a bunch of little tornados picking up trees, but we had just survived inside an F5 so we figured we have nothing to worry about. we start running inside (even though the house was pretty much destroyed) and go to your room at the top of one of the stairs. **side note: on your door, you had a poster that said “leave me some ideas of stories to write on AIDS HAS YET TO FIND ME” and some people had written little ideas for you.** so we go to your room, you impregnate me (which was fun making babies with you, by the way), and we go to find the other people after we get dressed again. we go down a broken staircase and Wife is laying in PussyDabbler’s bed balled up under the covers, and you ripped her blankets off and she was like NOOO IM NAKED! so we laughed and said “at least you have little babies you have to take care of now!”

so we went to find HogginBoy. HogginBoy was in a broken bathroom shaving his face (even though he couldnt grow a beard) and we didnt understand why he needed to do this at this point. he said “well, the mirror is the only part left of the bathroom, so i figured id make some use of it.” then we were like “wheres your girlfriend?” and he said she was in his room. then he figured out that we had been having sex because i looked really flushed and you looked really pumped up. he got pissed and tried to be mad by throwing a towel, and we laughed at him because hes not scary (which just made him more mad, so he tried to throw the mirror but it wouldnt come off the wall- which made it even funnier). then HogginBoy ran up to your room and wrote on the poster on your door “you can write this in your story: BOOBINS CAN SUCK IT… oh wait she SUCKED YOU.”

Mikey,
I wrote TwinKidMan a poem for his bday and since he didn’t go to work today could you post it on your website so that he still can see it today?
-ToadCock - Absolutely. Great work on your part. Maybe you should actually do something at work. You have way too much time at work to do this.

So as you sit at home,

I will do my best to write you a little birthday poem,

I know last night was wild,

but thank God you got home to your child,

Tonight will surely be crazy,

but for you im sure it will be quite hazy,

I hope Fritzagizard doesn’t have to take another STD test,

to ensure, maybe he should just give fat girls a rest,

AllAmerican will do anything he can,

just for a week with Lindsey Van,

Michael is a whole different story,

without black out there is no glory,

your wife keeps telling you that alcohol gives you the jitters,

simply tell her that rehab is for quitters,

tonight you will for sure get lucky,

but maybe this time pull out and blow it on your kids little rubber ducky,

Life isn’t always easy and sometimes a bitch,

but its a lot easier when you’re hung like a light switch,

so tonight its your time to bat,

try not to look so fat…

You will not believe the frustration that is built up inside me.  I just finished writing and then re-writing an article, only to see an error message pop up in my internet explorer window both times78.  So, now writing this for a third time, I’m currently first typing it into Microsoft word.  Fuck the internet today.

Thankfully most of this article is written by All American.  The following is a classic rant.

I tried to post this on your site this morning but it wouldnt let me do it, pretty upsetting since I spent a lot of time on it.

WOW, it is now Friday the 24th of August and unless my computer refuses to update this site or I am mistaken the last article came out 11 days ago, ELEVEN FUCKING DAYS!?  I mean look at the article from August 8th, you were ranting about no response from your readers and now we don’t have anything to reply to!!!  I know you’re not that busy Mikey.  I have checked the site each day when I got to work at 8 (while you’re still in a deep slumber) and nothing.  It’s like when I was 8 and my dad said he had surprise for me in the garage and I was all pumped bc I had been eyeing this Huffy at Target for weeks, only to get out there and I see a pop can crusher screwed to the wall with 2 full bags of cans and he says to me, “this way you can help me pay for that bike, so get to work.” So I got my 8 year old scrawny ass to work and knocked out both bags, I felt like a migrant worker. The next day we went to the recycling plant to weigh the cans and get me some caaiiish, I was pretty excited to see the total……………….the anticipation was killing me……………$6.47…………………………….are you fucking serious?! I just worked that hard, I have been soaked in grape crush, diet pepsi and pabst blue ribbon for the last 14 hours and this is what I get.

As you can tell Admin (if that is still your role on this site) I was a little upset, and that is comparable to the feeling in my stomach when I get to work in the morning.  So, I sit at my desk screaming obsenities at the computer.  I know for a fact sir that you have time, on Wednesday you didn’t do a thing but wake up at 12:30 and play Madden ‘08 (awesome by the way). You’re telling me you didnt have time to even put up 4 or 5 links, 3 of which a majority of people will hate, but at least it lets us know that you’re here for you’re dedicated viewers. Good day sir.

and you may be asking if I got that bike, and the answer is yes. A metallic blue Huffy mountain bike that made all other bikes look inferior, but I sure as hell didn’t use that money, I rode my bike up to holiday with aaron spychalla and got 2 charleston chews, mambas and orange gatorade in a glass bottle. I was irate that day and consequently I’m pretty sure I started swearing like a whore turning tricks that summer.
also, that bike got stolen the next summer at dakota hills pool, got probably did it because I was so bitter the previous summer

I loved this story AllAmerican.  I couldn’t agree more that it is sad that it has been eleven days since I updated the site.  But, similar to you I’ve been working like a migrant worker during the days and drinking with no regard to my liver at night.  Allowing myself no time to write stories.  But, you couldn’t be more right about that Wednesday, I had tons of time.  I wasted that time being lost in a Madden Coma.  There should be a holiday day where every man gets a day off and every woman works the day the new Madden comes out each year.  As for the links, I thought no one liked those but I could easily continue to provide those.  I just thought people preferred to re-read a good story written by me, versus using effort to go click on and read the other stories.  So, due to AA’s pleading, the links are coming back.  And for my site, next week’s going to be great, I’m creating an all reality T.V. review week.  The first four days will include the shows The Hills, Real World, Newport Harbor and Sunset Tan.  The fifth day is up in the air between Scott Baio is 45 and Single and The Pickup Artist (both very scripted reality shows).  Let me know, which one I should discuss?  In closing, sorry about my laziness, there’s no excuse for 2 articles (1 guest writer) over a 2 week span.  In second closing, fuck the internet for making write this for the THIRD fucking time.

Side Note 78: This is the error message.  I’ve never seen it before.  What the fuck?  What does that mean?  Honestly, does anyone know why this happened?