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Vegas, Vegas, Vegas.

I arrive in Vegas by myself around 1 on a Thursday afternoon.  The rest of my group of 8 other guys doesn’t arrive until late Thursday evening.  However, NonBloodBro was also in town with a group of 8 guys and he got in around the same time as me.  I get together with them at their hotel (Harrahs) and started going at it hard from about 2 until 9.  Played the most blackjack of my trip during that period.  In a related story, that’s when I lost the biggest amount of money.  Then, I headed back to my hotel (The MGM Grand) to get together with my group.  LadyLegs was the first to arrive.  Here’s a picture of him dancing with two beautiful women.

The simplest way to explain him, is he might as well be my carbon copy when it comes to blacking out and boozing.  Needless to say, he was sober, so we went at it hard until the rest of them arrived around 11.  MiniMiz is the next to arrive (also known as, he stumbled up to us as he got rocked on the plane) and also on a mission like LadyLegs and myself.  So, the three of us sit down at a blackjack table.  We are of course flirting up the waitress (Lisa huge boobs/blacky) and tipping her well so she keeps coming back.  Unfortunately in Vegas you can only get one drink at a time.  Fortunately, Lisa was training someone this night.  The trainee didn’t know you could only get one drink per time.  We tricked her into bringing us rounds and rounds of shots and mixed drinks simultaneously.  We lose all track of time and money at this blackjack table as we are blacking out.  The next thing we know it’s around 2:00 in the morning and we want to go to a club of course.

Conveniantly, Studio 54 is in the MGM Grand so we didn’t have to walk far.  The rest of our group decides to be babies and don’t want to go to a club.  LadyLegs, MiniMiz and myself refuse to stoop to their level and go to the club anyway.  Studio 54 was my least favorite of the three clubs I went to in Vegas for reasons outside of the following story.  It was a small club that was made up of about 80% dance floor space, 10% V.I.P. booths, and 10% bar space.  Let’s just say that’s not my ideal set up.  But, I decided if Steve Stiffler can do it, anyone can.  We danced the entire 3+ hours we were at the club.  But, at one point when I’m migrating from dancing with one girl to finding the next one, I bump into this fat guy.  He stops me and says, “we can either fight about this or go take a shot together like men.”  Clearly, I’m not into the idea of getting my ass kicked, so I opted for the shot.  He tells me there’s this great drink I have to try called an O Bomb.  What a fucking pansy, it’s like a Jaegger bomb, but with Bacardi O instead.  We take the shot and go our seperate ways, my face still looking pretty.

By this point, MiniMiz and LadyLegs have found two Asian girls to dance with.  I’m intrigued and walk over to them.  LadyLegs tells me to take over dancing with her because he had his eyes on some Milf who had been sitting at our blackjack table earlier. I drunkenly oblige.  MiniMiz and I dance with these Asians for over an hour.  I forgot to mention, they weren’t hot.  But, the whole time our drunken asses are giving each other looks like ‘this is fucking awesome’ and ‘what the hell did we do, why are they so into us?’  Naturally, we leave the bar with these two Asians.  We sit down at some slot machines and continue to chat them up.

I think that’s the telling point of how drunk we were.  Never once in my life (and probably not MiniMiz’s) have I ever sat down at a slot machine in a casino.  They go to the bathroom and we’re breaking down the situation, we’re way too excited for our own good.  I’m telling MiniMiz that my girl would kiss me, but not make out with me (great in hindsight) because she’s a good girl and is playing the innocent card.  MiniMiz tells me he hasn’t even tried to kiss her yet.  So, the girls get back and while we are sitting at these slot machines I suggest in front of them that they should kiss.  MiniMiz and the Asian are both all about the idea and start eating each other’s faces in front of us.

MiniMiz is my obediant dog when he’s drunk, whenever I say something he does it.  Take a look at this article for another time he followed his owner’s advice.81

The next thing we know, we’ve started bringing these girl’s upstairs to our hotel room.  In the back of our minds we are thinking to ourselves, ‘are we really going to tag our first asians in the same room at the same time?’  As we are getting ready to go in the room, LadyLegs calls us up (he got seperated).  He says to MiniMiz, there’s something strange about this whole situation, I think they are hookers.  MiniMiz tells me this and I felt like a lightbulb went off in my head.  I was too blacked out to notice it myself, but now that it’s brought to my attention it’s absolutely true.  My favorite part of the whole night, was how MiniMiz then approached these girls.  And I awkwardly quote, “so, I’m kinda new to Vegas, are you guys prostitutes?”  Needless to say my asian immediately flew down the hall like a missile.  I was laughing so hard I decided to take a picture of them fleeing.  You can see her at the end of the hall in the picture.

MiniMiz’s kept on grabbing on to Miz like the money grubbing whore that she was before ultimately leaving.  We get into the room and we’re in hysterics.  We were moments away from having hookers in our room.  Where is the cut off line on something like this?  Do we have to pay after they enter the room, do you pay only if you do something, is it pay after MiniMiz’s premature nut?  Before we even start discussing I decide to make out with the soap bar.  Literally scrubbing my lips as if the bar of soap was sand paper.  MiniMiz agreed with my idea and used the same bar of soap (after me might I add) to clean not only his lips but his tongue.

After the clean down, we are discussing the events and it’s all coming full circle.  They lived in Vegas, but we had to go to our place, their place was supposedly too far away.  Yeah, right.  We both agreed that while we were dancing we now realize we kept seeing the same guys (their fucking pimps).  The next morning we are telling the rest of the group the story.  When I find out that LadyLegs had called MiniMiz multiple times throughout the night to warn him.  MiniMiz just didn’t want to believe it.  Fine you don’t have to believe him, but at least have the decency to inform my blacked out ass of that news.  I was sick for a good solid week after Vegas and I think it is because I was going to town on that bar of soap.  The rest of the night and ever since I haven’t been able to look at an asian the same way.  In my head I’ve convinced myself they are all hussy hookers.

Side Note 81: http://michaelmoller.com/wordpress/archives/124
-Resubmitting this article I find it sad that I didn’t know how to hyperlink at this point, a year plus into my blog.

Originally Appeared September 18, 2007.

Sorry guys, but I’m going to be sporadically posting for the rest of August, just too much shit going on right now.

This was just e-mailed to me today, by TwinKidMan and I couldn’t stop laughing.  The guys laugh telling the story is pretty priceless as well.

Here It Is

7/11 Friday Night - Three of my friends from college came up for the weekend, ModelSister, Dibo and Cody (quite creative, I know).  That’s two years in a row for Dibo and ModelSister. Which would be one more year in a row PussyDabbler has attended because he decided to go to his cabin with Wife for the weekend knowing full well that it was my birthday weekend and we had Iowa friends coming up.  I was quite disappointed, but whatever I guess.  They arrived around 11 and we brought Dibo into the prebar party in a shopping cart.  Pretty standard.  NonBloodBro brought a bunch of his college friends that were already drunk to D’s new place, which will now be replaced by my new place as the pre party very soon.  With all of these people in an apartment, the key word before the bar was SHHHH.  As a group of 20 drunk people just want to see who can be the loudest one and continue to try and scream over each other.

We go to a new bar called the 508 bar.  It was plenty fun since we were in a such a huge group, ran into random friends, and got a sweet waitress.  Speaking of running into friends, I ran into a friend of mine that is a Packer fan(BooYaKaShaw).  We had the obligatory Brett Favre as a Viking discussion that I have no recollection of how he stood on the issue103 (poor grammar, I know, too lazy to correct).  After that discussion I entered another interesting one.  Supposedly one of NonBloodBro’s college friends was hitting on my girl and all of my boys from Iowa wanted to kill him.  I hadn’t noticed it at all, but just didn’t want my friends to hurt this friend of a friend, so when I confronted him, he apologized and bought me a shot, setttled perfectly, if it was only always that easy.  Back to the 508 bar, I really didn’t like it as a whole.  The basemant was a trashy version of an 18+ dance club and the upstairs was solid, but too small to ever be a spot I would consider going to on a regular basis.  Surprisingly the night ended without a fight, since I pretty much expect that every time they come in town.  That is until we got back to D’s.  I guess ModelSister and myself got into an altercation about god knows what.  But, they were unable to seperate us or make us stop until a random 50 year old woman came out of her apartment and broke us up.  Absolutely no recollection of that.  Dibo and ModelSister end the night by sleeping on the balcony.

7/12 Saturday Night - The celebration of my birthday. Was planning on going into work for a few hours, but woke up in horrible shape and I didn’t make it out of bed until 2. The best part of the morning after talk (you know the one where you discuss all of the events of the past evening) was when ModelSister decided to whip out his penis and give everyone the whirlybird104 show in exchange for seeing K-Bex’s tits.   After that point we went down to D’s pool; swam, grilled (ate my favorite food, that 20 layered chip dip, so delicious) and hung out for a few hours.   We get back upstairs and NonBloodBro whacked TwinKidMan as hard as he could on the ass, creating a welt.  Then, I ask to see it and give him a matching welt one on the other side.

TKM vows to punch us both in the nuts at some point during the evening.  Knowing how painful that will be NonBloodBro offers for each of us to rub lotion on his ass in exchange for him not retaliating.  Thankfully he agrees and I end up rubbing lotion into his ass.  Not my finest moment.  Bomber then shaved his ass with my shaver and eventually I pissed him off enough later that he informed me of that.  Strange how that works I insult him and in return he gives away his ploy to piss me off.  Shower a million people up and head over to ToadCock’s house for a preparty since D’s neighbors wanted to shoot us after last night.  Since, we were in such a large group we needed to find a game that everyone could play.  Someone suggested this horse race game I’d never played and it was a huge success as everyone was quite engaged and you wagered drinks and shots with people.  The cops even showed up because we were having too much fun with the game and being too loud.  Always a good omen to the night when you see the cops before 11.  A couple of us passed a handle around until it was finished before we left.  Standard operating procedure, no wounded soldiers, including handles.

On the way to the bar ModelSister threw my unsuspecting body into the bushes, absolutely smothering them.  I did nothing at the time and then when he didn’t see it coming I wound up and punched him in the balls at the bar.  It’s my birthday, I’m coming out on top bitch.  Anyway, the reason we were walking for once is because ToadCock’s new house is a few blocks from the subway station.  We get on the subway and somehow we get onto the topic of a buttsex.  I bring it up to my girlfriend about how we should try it already and NonBloodBro takes it one step farther and offers her $500.  She declines immediately.   TKM says < “Fuck, I’ll let you put it in my ass for $500.”  Oh TKM, you always did want to be a pornstar when we were younger.  I then offer to match his payment and she declines again.  Much discussion occurs until NonBloodBro offers $1,000 and then I match it and we offer her $2,000  to let me put it in her ass for my birthday and we were DEAD SERIOUS.  She declines and we all can’t believe it.  This starts up a whole trainwide discussion for the rest of the trip downtown where NonBloodBro is asking all the girls around our age if they would let their boyfriend fuck them in the ass for $2,000.  Most decline, a few accept.  Ultimately, most of them were lying as you know they either have or sure as fuck would for $2,000 knowing the guy is your boyfriend.  The funniest part of this exchange is after all of the negotiationg, Bomber’s girlfriend, Boobies walks up to Bomber and puts her hand out.

Get to the bar and do something new, it’s called drinking until you forget what happens.  Oh yeah, we do that every time.  We get this crazy yet intriguing waitress who is a lesbian.  All the guys hit on her and she shoots them all down, especially ToadCock who she was being kind of evil to.  So, since she shot them all down I offered up K-Bex like she was just some piece of meat and one of the two parties declines.  Which leads to K-Bex and I calling her phone from her phone and leaving an evil message wto her.  Sounds really weird, don’t remember it.  I do remember playing that damn bags video game and getting worked by a girl.  My drunk ass couldn’t push that damn ball straight if my life depended on it.  P.S. That bags game is really dumb. A black man bought me a tequilla shot.  That is not a racist sentence either, it was just surprising, figuring I don’t know many and this guy had just met me 2 minutes earlier.  The night ended with most people going back to ToadCock’s except for D, NonBloodBro and myself who were all hungry.  We try all these places that for some reason were closed that night, which leads us into some random alley where there were about a hundred people gathered around a fire watching each other ride around the fire on bicycles.  It was an interesting site to say the least.  We end going back to our store downtown because we could then order the food to a place.  Get a little too cozy and end up passing out on the showroom floor beds.  Next day my coworker from downtown calls me and tells me I forgot to lock up and set the alarm and left all the beds in a mess.  Congrats me, too drunk to figure out how to lock a door and set an alarm the next fucking morning.

Side Note 103: Going to write an article on this, this week so people understand where I stand.  But, this is not the place for that rant.

Side Note 104: I took a picture of him doing the whirlybird and with his permission, will definately posted it so you can see what it is.  Essentially it’s him playing with his penis in the other room for 5 minutes so he gets his hard length without a full erection and that throws his body in a motion that makes his penis start doing spins around his junk.

Last Friday (6-20-08) I’m sitting at work doing nothing until a customer strolls in.  I walk up to her and ask if I can help her with anything.  She asks if we sell floor models and if the sale prices are the final price.  I answer yes to both and decide to keep helping her because of the way she carried herself and how happy she seemed about life.  I’m doing my standard salesmen schmooze game to try and figure out what kind of price range she is looking for furniture in.  She tells me she’s looking for one of her houses in Minnesota.  I respond with something like, “one of them?”  And she tells me she has houses in L.A., Boston and Minnesota.  I say something like, “wow someone lives the jet set lifestyle.”  And she says, “yeah, but it’s because of my brother.”  I’m like, “oh yeah, who is he?”  “He’s the best basketball player in the world.”  I quickly respond, “TheChamp.”101 TheChamp’sSister says, “good answer” and I’m in.  I spend the next hour pacing our two levels watching her just point at furniture and say I’d like one of those, three of those without ever asking a question about the furniture.  Instead we talked only about TheChamp.  

When put on the spot it was difficult to think of any specific questions I would have for TheChamp.  I asked what he thought of Kobe and she said, “he respects him.”  Translation, he has the same opinion as the masses, he sucks.  I asked if he stays in touch with any of the current Timberwolves and she said only McCants.  He was closer to the players who have moved on, specifically Trenton Hassell and Troy Hudson (whose house we’ve also furnished). 

Turns out, TheChamp’sSister was buying all this furniture, so that TheChamp would have something to use when he was in town for a couple weeks.  He started building this mansion in Minnesota about a year ago assuming this was going to be the house he would be living in for the rest of his career.  Next thing you know he gets traded and now he has a decision to make.  If he decides to keep this palace of a home I will be furnishing the entire thing.  TheChamp doesn’t know if he’ll keep it because he doesn’t have as much reason to come to MN anymore.  He lived in Minnesota during the past seasons and L.A. in the summer I learned.  I am praying he keeps the home.  A bunch of people are under the assumption that he has been trying to sell his house on the internet (including several of my friends who have sent me the MLS listing in the past).  She told me the internet house is a complete hoax and someone is just trying to claim its TheChamp’s house to try and sell it easier.  TheChamp said he has no reason to come out and prove this guy wrong because he doesn’t want people to know where he actually lives.

Turns out TheChamp has had a big year, he got his first championship and first child within the past couple months.  TheChamp’sSister showed me pictures on her phone of the players and families in the locker room after winning the title.  They are all messing around with the trophy and getting rowdy.  It looked like just a little bit of fun.  Speaking of family, she asked me to employ some family friend of hers at our warehouse.  Since, she wanted a favor I tried to slyly ask for an autograph as well at one point.  See, I have this plan, I want to have an autographed jersey of my favorite MN athletes framed on my living room wall.  And I don’t want to just buy them off the internet.  I either want them personalized or I want to personally see them do it.  I already have the Joe Mauer one.  I want a TheChamp one and then either an AD, Chad Greenway (due to the Iowa affiliations) or Randy Moss.  Turns out TheChamp is weird when it comes to autographs and she said she might be able to, it just might take some time.  But, she could get me other players immediately.  I’m in no hurry, I want the man whose home I furnished.   

Back to the furniture part of the story.  So, I show her all of the merchandise on the floor and then decide since all she is doing is buying stuff based on appearance I might as well take her to the warehouse and look at the furniture in the aisles.  She decides to ride along in my car, which was her idea since she wanted to continue talking.  I’m telling you she loved me.  If she was only 10 years younger and not married to an enormously cut man that I met at the house later.  But, in the car I brought up TheChamp’s cars and it turns out TheChamp has 6 Range Rover’s and TheChamp’sSister has two.  We get back to the store and start finishing up the sale when she remembers we haven’t found her a couch yet.  She starts describing the couch he wants and a light flips on in my head.  The couch she is describing sounds exactly like this bomb ass couch I bought for myself about a year ago (but still haven’t bought a house yet to move it into) that I have sitting at the warehouse.  It’s the sweetest couch ever it makes a partial U, it’s 10 ft by 16 ft by 6 ft.  It has like 20 pillows on it and reminds me of a playground which is the reason I bought it.  I take her back over to the warehouse and she tells me he’s going to love it.   I mean it doesn’t matter to TheChamp that the couch is $5,000 and he will only be living their for two weeks.  This just put me over the edge.  Not only am I going to sell TheChamp furniture, but he is going to have the couch I bought for myself in his living room.  How fucking awesome is that? 

How do you know you have taste? When the couch you bought for yourself is sitting in TheChamp’s living room.

We finish up the sale of $11,500 and I need to start getting all the merchandise ready to deliver that night for TheChamp’s arrival the next day.  My dad and I deliver the merchandise ourselves because we want to see this house and also get a good thing going with TheChamp’sSister by delivering it personally.  We don’t get out there until about 9 p.m. so we are delivering in the dark.  Not to mention this house is so secluded that I had the exact directions and I couldn’t find it.  His home was amazing, we got the royal tour after we finished our delivery.  It featured pillars on the outside and resembled something that belonged in Italy.  Hell it was big enough it almost felt like a museum.  Speaking of a museum, he had one huge room in the house with just large framed pictures on the walls, nothing else in it.  He had a huge fishtank built into one of the walls and one room that was being prepped to become a massage room.  He had the obligatory theater room that you see on cribs102.  There was a sound system throughout the house meaning every room had music playing at all times. 

Before leaving I present TheChamp’sSister with some fancy wine bottles. My dad’s idea, which was brilliant.  I mean she already loved me before that and that just put her over the edge.  She gives me a $150 tip and I’m on my way.  The rest of the night featured me sitting in D’s kitchen with the biggest smile on my face.  I was euphoric.  I didn’t know what to do with myself, I just sat their smiling for 20 minutes.  I didn’t want to go to bed because I didn’t want the day to end.  Afterwards I tried to think of what has ever put such a big smile on my face.  And then I remembered losing my virginity.  Thus, last Friday was a top 2 day in my life to this point.  Which is crazy to think that I worked from 10 a.m. to 11 p.m. and it was my second favorite day ever.    Strange and surprising that work could be that fun.

Turns out TheChamp didn’t arrive Saturday.  Good news for me.  TheChamp’sSister came back to the store and bought another $9,500 worth of furniture including a bad ass marble office desk for another $5,000.  We delivered all that furniture late afternoon Saturday.  So, this was the first time I was seeing my furniture in his house in the daylight.  And boy must I say, my couch looked bad ass.   Everyone agreed, and by everyone I mean the random 15 people lurking about his house making sure you don’t touch anything or take pictures.  I got a picture of my couch in his living room, but it’s from the night before and it is dark out and it doesn’t do it justice.   Plus that was the only thing TheChamp’s sister was particular about throughout the day, no pictures of the house.

Hopefully, TheChamp is as genuine as his sister and decides to sign me a jersey for selling him My Couch.  I’m giving it a couple more days, but now that TheChamp’sSister has my cell phone number stored in her phone and texts more than I do, I will be sending her a text in the coming days asking what TheChamp thinks of my couch.

Side Note 101: At one point during our conversation TheChamp’sSister mentioned that she knows someone whose job it is to sit online all day and search athletes names to make sure they aren’t getting into any trouble and that the public isn’t finding out about it.  And because of that I don’t want TheChamp or TheChamp’sSister to ever find my website and be associated with my nonsense, so I will not be writing out his name.  Plus I found the beginning of this video hilarious when PP and Champ just keep calling each other Champ.

When a dude walks into your furniture store with a football jersey on I take notice instantly.  Normally mad respect.  In this case the polar opposite.  I seriously took one glance at the back of his 10 year old San Diego Charger football jersey that read Means on the back and knew instantaneously that it was Natrone Means.  It looked something like this picture. 

Seriously, the fact that I knew that shows I know way too much about sports than I should.  But, secondly that man should have retired that jersey to his closet 9.8 years ago.  Not to mention why the fuck you would buy such a jersey.  Not to mention he looks like trailer trash.  Not to mention the jerseys tattered.  So, right now I’m going to go talk to him and find out if he actually knows who Natrone Means is.  Be Right Back…

Oh my god, that conversation was unbelievable.  Somehow I think I figured out this whole mans life in 5 minutes.  Pleasant Man, but Absolute Trailer Trash.  42 A little harsh, but the man had the Means jersey tucked into his FUBU jean shorts.  Oh yeah and he’s white and like 60 years old, wow this is killing me, he’s still walking around.  Maybe I should pay a little more attention to him, seriously how can’t he be a criminal, he’s probably got as many accessories as possible stuffed into those baggy Fubu shorts.  So, I learned the guy never lived in San Diego or never was a Charger fan, interesting.  He just liked the way the man played, he fought for every yard, as he said a FB/RB type back.  I’m assuming he was trying to make a point with that statement, and by wearing that jersey, but without telling people that, no one looks at a Natrone Means jersey and thinks oh I bet that man worked hard for everything in life.  Then, I brought up Super Tecmo Bowl the video game because I felt like Means had to be in it, it seemed about the right time frame.  Boy, did this poor man try and act like he knew what that video game was, but he failed miserably.  When I brought up the game, he gave me one of those fake smiles and was like yeah I think he was.  No you don’t, you probably couldn’t afford a fucking Nintendo system, even though they sell on E-bay for probably under 50 bucks and the game goes for like 5.  But, no you wouldn’t know how to navigate the internet because you’ve never used a computer.  Wow, I’m getting mean, don’t know if I should continue.

Side Note 42: I think during the conversation it hit me why I remembered Natrone Means.  I think there was a slogan back in his playing day, that went Natrone ‘Means Business.’

Originally appeared September 7, 2006.  Jesus Christ, I’ve been blogging for a while now.