Archive for the 'Character Profiles' Category

The only guy I know with a Tramp Stamp, it’s a tattoo of his soon to be wife’s zodiac (or whatever that’s called) sign.   The only friend whose mom (stepmom) I’m actually serious about when I give them shit.   He has been the first guy I know to actually develop a gut.  I guess for good reason though as the stress of two kids would probably kill me right now.  Currently, still enrolled at Saint Thomas and graduates this spring and starting to look into jobs.

Drinking Ability: Really a bad drunk and can’t really drink that much, sorry bud. (4)
Ability to get Ass: The good old glory days of this kid is what I miss.  When I had no comprehension of what my penis was capable of, this kid had girls actually playing with it.  Oh the middle school days, when every girl wanted him.  Would meet up in the hallway to make out with an ungodly hot girl pretty much daily and then one time met up and took her to a lecture room and fingered her. (8)
Smartassness: Just not him. (4)
Ability to make others laugh: Sometimes at his expense (6)
Text Messaging Skills: Best in the biz. (10)
Streetsmarts: Fairly streetsmart I think. (6)
Booksmarts: Nothing to really explain here. (4)
VideogameAbilities: A very average player. (5)
FantasySkills: Jim Kleinsasser like 3 years ago, enough said.  Plus you’ve started two running backs on the same team before. (5)
Likely to be a good parent one day?: Beat us all to it, I guess he deserves added points here (9)
Overall Rating as a Person Based on this Scale: 6.1

Originally Appeared December 6, 2006.

One memorable story from this guy that should probably decrease his streetsmarts grade.  Some random f.a.c. (friday after class) our normal group went out to the bars and got ridiculous as per usual.  HogginBoy pisses himself at the bar and walks around assuming no one will notice.  We explain to him how noticeable it is, but he was utterly convinced it looked fine and acted like he hadn’t pissed himself the rest of the night (a.k.a. he was the butt of all of our jokes for the evening).  Sorry bud, but hands down the cheapest mother fucker I’ve ever met.  I would have to ask to take a ’sun chip’ from him, just one fucking chip.  Name stems from one of my favorite pictures of all time, shown below.  I lived with him for two years in college.  He’s currently finishing up his senior year at the University of Iowa studying engineering. 

Drinking Ability: He gives himself way too much fucking credit. (5)
Ability to get Ass: sorry hoggin, I almost feel bad giving you a low grade here (3)
Smartassness: very poor (4)
Ability to make others laugh: (5)
Text Messaging Skills: he rarely does it (4)
Streetsmarts: Kept PussyDabs and myself out of plenty of fights, sometimes the father of the group (7)
Booksmarts: Very smart kid and has an unbelievable work ethic. (10)
VideogameAbilities: Similar to Zippies plays some pretty stupid games (6).
FantasySkills: Tries at least, comes to me for advice all the time (5)
Likely to be a good parent one day?: Can see him being a very strict father, but good nonetheless (8)
Overall Rating as a Person Based on this Scale: 5.7

Originally Appeared December 11, 2006

Probably the most talked about person on my website.  Similar to me a ridiculousness cloud finds his body and follows him around every night he drinks.  Then the cloud starts storming and his blacked out ass will start fights with men or women.  Lived with him for two years in college.  Has a hot younger sister, who I might wife one day.  He has red hair.  His girlfriend/wife has red hair.  They’re pathetically cute together.  And, he genuinely loves her, but fucking degrades himself as a man for the pussy shit he says to her (will be an article one day).  Back to the hair subject, one time in preparation for his girlfriend coming in town decided while hammered to start trimming his pubes.  Fucked up and the rest is history as he left no hair remaining and had a pubic region resembling a newborns.  Probably most importantly deserves huge props for implementing the word minx into my vocabulary.  Currently, living up his senior year at the University of Iowa and I’m assuming moving back to the cities for some finance job for the rest of his life. 

Drinking Ability: Almost rivals me (9)
Ability to get Ass: Wifed himself too early, or this number could have been boosted (gots booze as a great notch though) (6)
Smartassness: Nah. (4)
Ability to make others laugh: We tell stories well. (7)
Text Messaging Skills: Dunno (5)
Streetsmarts: Weighted down by his drunken decision making skills (yet he’s never lost a fight or got arrested). (6)
Booksmarts: Quite Smart and tries hard, great combo (8)
VideogameAbilities: Average Player (5)
FantasySkills: The one time he tried, he traded for all hometown players, lame. (3)
Likely to be a good parent one day?: Yeah, he’s got Litz’s blood. (7)
Overall Rating as a Person Based on this Scale: 6.0

This article first appeared December 8, 2006.

A very good friend of mine that I’ve known since we were just little guys.  Organized the most bad ass non alcoholic parties around in middle and high school.  And by this I mean he had parties with bouncers, guest lists, root beers kegs and a pool.  At that age, that was all one could ask for (a.k.a. the hope of seeing a tit pop out of a bathing suit).  Contains more random knowledge than any one I know and enjoys expressing it.  Which leads into the fact that he talks more than anyone I know and tends to bitch more often than most.  Enjoys disgusting types of liquor and beer.  Went to the University of Miami (Ohio) and majored in something business, probably finance as he works as a finincial advisor.  Deserves credit for loving my favorite bar (The Sports Column) at the University of Iowa.  Is most well known for two unique things he has done.  In high school he pierced his dick and in college he paid for a threesome with two hookers in Amsterdam. 

Drinking Ability: 7.  Solid all around game.
Ability to get Ass: 4. Colbert and Hammerschmidt were his most recent performances. 
Smartassness: 4.  Not his style.
Ability to make others laugh: 4.  Rarely tries, just shows off his random knowledge.
Text Messaging Skills: 4. Infrequent
Streetsmarts: 10. He’s the winner in this category.
Booksmarts: 7.  Smart kid that never applied himself enough.
VideogameAbilities: 4.  NHL 08 is the only game he is competitive at. 
FantasySkills: 8.  Has gone downhill the past couple years but before that was the best in the business.
Likely to be a good parent one day?: 7.  Yes, use that knowledge to make your kids smart.
Overall Rating as a Person Based on this Scale: 5.9

Got to know this guy through college when he’d visit the University of Iowa as he was best friends with HogginBoy and PussyDabbler.  Since, he graduated he has started hanging out with us more often and as he says he feels as if he’s in our frat now.  He helped instigate (not in a good way) the biggest battle royal of my life.  I was conveniently passed out upstairs.  But, T-Cock and 7 of my other friends got jumped by 20+ guys and all got their asses kicked.  At one point this summer when we were drinking at PussyDabbler’s house called PDabs’ parents’ (white) friends niggers.  A true highlight/lowlight from my life.  Managed to study abroad in Africa without contracting Aids, thats got to count for something.  Loves touching men, which is quite evident in his recent obsession with wrestling Konvic and playing Rugby rather than drinking.  Graduated from St. John’s last spring.  Works the checkout line at Target.  Haha, no works at Target corp downtown Minneapolis.

Drinking Ability: 8.  Great when he’s trying.  But, it could be better if he didn’t take way too many nights off.
Ability to get Ass: 5.  A recent up surge in the past couple years.  But, a fairly poor track record prior to that.
Smartassness: 6.  Very hit or miss. 
Ability to make others laugh: 6.  Can tell some pretty good stories.
Text Messaging Skills: 6. Good, not great
Streetsmarts: 4. One stupid drunk.
Booksmarts: 7.  I don’t know, but I think he did decent.  Any arguments either way will be heard.
VideogameAbilities: 3.  The last time I wanted to play video games at his house he put in high school football game tapes. 
FantasySkills: 3.  Don’t know, but can’t be very good.
Likely to be a good parent one day?: 8.  I think so and I can’t tell you why.
Overall Rating as a Person Based on this Scale: 5.6, these aren’t the best categories for him.