We decided to start drinking as soon as we got up Saturday.  I mean, why the hell not, we had nothing better to do.  One of our first destinations for our long day was visiting MiniMiz’s little sister at the dorms.  All of us guys decided that we missed the dorms.  We then decided that one of us needed to go back to college around the cities and start a whole new major and then we’d all just live with him in the dorm.  It would be phenomenal.  Since, it was MiniMiz’s birthday weekend, we made him take some shots.  Nothing shows you’re a freshman in college like taking shots of Bacardi Orange from a water bottle.  We asked for some beers, but LilBoosalis (MiniMiz’s sister’s roommate) lied and told us she didn’t have any.  But, when she opened the fridge to get the Bacardi O, we saw beers.  Clearly, she just didn’t like us.  Then we go get some lunch at some overrated restaurant that took us forever to get served and was nothing to write home about.  After the restaurant we went to the terrace and watched TKM play arcade games because they weren’t serving beer that early.  From there we went to the liquor store to pick up a handle and the guy could tell we were drunk.  So, he says some smart ass remark like, “are you guys sure you need that.”  What a faggot, shut your fucking mouth and take my money.

So, before making it to the bar, AA and I realized we were way too sober.  I mean you can’t go to the bar with no liquor in you, it’s just not the same.  We rip five shots and head to the bar.  Someone calls us out for taking so long and tells us we’re way behind.  We’re like sure whatever, but we did just take five shots.  Everyone outside of MiniMiz (who can drink like an elephant) was just baffled that we took five shots in a row in like 10 minutes.  AA and I were so confused why they were impressed.  We do this every single night, and that’s like a sample, I’d say that would amount to around 20-25% of my alcohol intake on any given night.  Exactly why it was just a nice easy pre-drink before the bar.

We make it to the bar and we’re the only ones there.  Our group and the wait staff.  So, what do we do but strike up conversations with every single employee there.  TwinKidMan managed to arrange a date for MiniMiz, without MiniMiz even knowing.  TwinKidMan and AA wanted to wrestle and Amanda, the waitress was willing to join in the wrestling match.  Then, MiniMiz called out BestStoryTeller for being cheap in front of our group of like 15 people.  That was rather hilarious, but kind of harsh everyone thought.  Then, we played some darts and MiniMiz was so drunk by this point (like 7 p.m.) that he was missing the board on every other shot.  So, for losing MiniMiz offers to buy the shots, but his drunk ass tells me I need to try to negotiate prices for the shots.  I couldn’t believe he was serious.  Peer pressure’s a bitch, so I do it.  I think the girl was in awe of the fact that I was trying to negotiate also.  But, it did result in two free shots and that’s all that matters.  Outside of the bar, I somehow managed to have TKM’s glasses on my head and decided to break them for no reason.  Sometimes, my drunk ass doesn’t make sense.

What do we decide to do after the bar? Go back to MiniMiz’s and pre-drink before going back to the bars.  By this point, we’re half in the bag already.  But, MiniMiz’s little sister and all of her young friends were coming over.  Clearly, we have to show them a good time.  Vaguely remember taking pulls of cuervo, bad idea?  No, always a great idea, helps you remember less.  So, we’re standing around trying to figure out some drinking game.  When these chicks say we’ve got to play there sweet game called “Fuck You.”  If the game was only as cool as the name of it.  The game sucked, but somehow I was standing next to the girl who came up with the name of it.  When, this girl, who resembled Brian Urlacher pinned me into the corner and tried to kiss me.  I literally ran away, I was fucking scared.  I now understand what girls feel like when creepy men try to hit on them and kiss them.  Wow, it would suck to be a girl and put up with that.  I guess Urlacher, was talking to TKM later in the night.  Probably trying to get on him also, when he told her he was married.  TKM shows her pictures and Urlacher asked if she could call Milf just to tell her how beautiful she was.  So she did it, that’s just weird.  AllAmerican said he hit on every girl that was conscious.  From then on I proceeded to fuck with every one of MiniMiz’s guy friends that were there.  Supposedly, they thought I was the craziest fucker ever.  One of these guys was wearing a headband, and I guess I yelled at him, “give me your fucking headband.,” which I proceeded to wear for most of the evening like a toolbox. It makes sense they thought I was crazy, figuring I threw a guy up against the wall and choked him and then let him go and acted like nothing happened and just started laughing. 

After the pre-bar party, we all get separated.  Gregor and MiniMiz’s roommate end up going with the freshman to a frat party.  As they described it, all they had to do was walk on to the dance floor and then a million 18 year old asses were grinding the hell out of them.  Many of us were quite jealous we missed out on that.  The next morning Gregor couldn’t stop talking about how big his boner was on that dance floor, hilarious.  While they were going to the party we started walking to the bar.  When we saw a bunch of people on a third floor balcony.  We all start yelling at them for no reason.  AA decided to climb the side of the building like Spiderman all the way up to their balcony.  Yells at them and climbs down.  They are of course acting all tough because they’re three flights up and we can’t do anything.  When, TKM decides that he should throw rocks at them.  We decided that was an awful idea and headed to the bar.

At the bar, we do what we usually do, no stories I can even remember and then head to Ian’s.  Ian’s is the best drunk food alive, any type of pizza you could ever imagine.  I’m telling you they need this shit in every college city.   Naturally, the line at this place is ridiculous after the bar.  We wait it out, order our shit stand there trying to pay for several minutes and no one ever came.  So, we got pissed and just left with our free amazing pizza.  By the time we got home on Saturday night at about 2:00 after drinking for 12 hours and being drunk all day, we were exhausted.  To cap it all off, we had gotten separated from MiniMiz and his apartment was locked.  So, I passed out in the hallway using the wall as a pillow.  I’ve slept in worse places.

Originally appeared April 26, 2007.